September Story: LoZ: Farts of the Wild - A Princess Lets Loose (1) (Patreon)

Hey everyone. We're gonna jump around a bit multitasking stories. I'm also fucking sick again, so that has been holding me down. This is the one year I've been sick so often in a long time. Fucking covid and shit. I'm still working on stuff in the background at a snail's pace but I promise to keep posting every month!

Once again, this was the story that won the poll for September. Farts of the Wild is one big project I have. It's pretty much a novel-length fanfic I have in mind that follows Link's journey through the entire Breath of the Wild game with farting mishaps and misadventures. So Link farts in this too - just a warning. September's story is really one big prologue split into 3ish chapter. So here's the first part. Enjoy!

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Link awoke with a sore throat and a throbbing head. He looked around at the cold empty room, trying to grasp at memories. The sight of guards on the floor worried him. Were they attacked? Did someone invade the castle?

But then everything started to slowly come back to him.

No…actually…it was the night of the Royal Guard Inauguration.

Every inauguration night, the senior officers hosted a party in the castle basement. The festivities were more of an after-party, an unofficial gathering of all the guards. Nobody else was allowed in, especially the princess. Rumor had it, the princess sometimes was interested in what was going on downstairs after the inauguration dinner.

Link groaned as he sat up. In addition to his throbbing head, his stomach hurt. He looked down and gasped at his bloated gut. His belt was unbuckled and his trousers undone. He flushed and tried to button them back up, but to no avail. He panicked, red-faced, glancing all around making sure nobody was looking at him. He settled with trying to cover up his belly by pulling his tunic over it.

Exhausted, bloated, and hungover, he laid back down on his back. The men around him snored, still fast asleep. A few were passed out on the table with well over a dozen empty mugs scattered around.

How much had he drank?

Too much, obviously. Not only that, but it was the first time Link ever got drunk.

He kind of liked it. Though the admission made him flush again. He never felt so…vulnerable before. He prided on trying to be professional. But here he was…swollen and still a bit drunk.

Link laid on his side to try and ease the pain of the swelling. His stomach gurgled as he did so. He placed his hand on his belly. A part of him was trying to suck it in. It was unbecoming of a Royal Guard of Hyrule to overdrink and overeat. But the other part of him told him to just let it be. He finally relaxed and let his belly hang, letting it gurgle and rumble.

Slowly, more memories came back to him.

He remembered already being full after the inauguration dinner. His captain, Jerma, a tall and stout man with a hefty brown beard and mustache, slapped him on the back and told him that if he were “ a real man” he’d go downstairs and join them in drinking, as all new members did. Link was hesitant. The unofficial manner of the party told him that it strayed from the path of a good royal guard, but at the same time these were the only friends he had. To offend them would mean ostracization, or ridicule even.

He took a swig of ale and the rest cheered.

And another…

And another…

At one point he recalled the other boys having him chug an entire flagon, tipping it over to force him to chug faster. The ale dripped down his chin and his tunic became wet. Nobody cared. Everyone was drunker than Daruk on a Friday night. Once he finished chugging, he thought he was dying, as the pressure inside his chest was so great that he keeled over. He thought he would vomit but instead he let out an enormous belch.

Embarrassed, he closed his mouth, but the boys slapped his back and his shoulders and hooted and hollered.

The rest was a blur, and Link was frankly afraid to try and remember. There was one horrible, awful moment though that he did recall now that he was thinking about it. He had farted in front of everyone. He could hardly stand at that point and his belly hung over his trousers. He leaned against the wall with both hands and stared at the ground. Jerma asked him if he was alright. Link tried to speak but failed; his tongue lolled and he kept giggled.

PPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

He was too drunk to feel the fart building up – it exploded out of him like a sputtering trumpet. It was the loudest, smelliest, most uncouth fart that burned in his memory. It felt good; he admitted deep down. He didn’t feel so swollen after that, but he still turned red-faced once more. Jerma laughed aloud and slapped his back once more.

“You’re alright, kid! You’re officially one of us!”

Link was covering his face remembering all of this. He cringed and retched to himself.

His heart skipped a beat when he heard footsteps coming down the stone steps. He gasped a little and got up, though wobbly. An intense but brief wave of nausea made him stagger and bump his hip on a chair. He cursed and tried to be quieter, heading for the exit. If this was the king, he would be done for. He didn’t want the king to see him like this. First day on the job and already too drunk to stand properly? It wouldn’t do at all.

Link staggered into the next room, the wine cellar. He blanked trying to think of where to hide.

The other door opened slowly with a painful creak.

A soft voice called out, “Link?”

Link’s ears perked up. Zelda?

A cloaked figure stepped into the basement. Zelda didn’t see him first, as he was peeking around the corner of the wine cellar. Her soft golden hair was still in curls, having been done the night before. Link tuned out thinking about how beautiful her handmaidens made her look for the inauguration night. Not that she didn’t look beautiful any other day. He wished he had been with her instead of hanging out with the boys.

He waited for her to leave. Having her see him like this felt ten times worse than the king. Link had put so much effort into looking the part of a Royal Guard for Zelda. The perfect guard, at least in his mind, didn’t have a bloated gut.

Zelda tiptoed over the sleeping guards. She bent low to try and find Link. He gulped, hoping that she wouldn’t find any interest in checking the wine cellar.

That was when his stomach gurgled.

Very…very…loudly.

He hid further back into the corner of the wine cellar. His stomach suddenly felt so heavy, like a lump of coal had suddenly appeared inside of it. The gas formed in violent torrents, and his stomach didn’t stop gurgling. He couldn’t stand anymore, as his knees buckled. He slid down to the floor with his back against the wall, rubbing his poor belly.

“Link?”

He gasped and shot to his feet. Zelda had crept into the wine cellar and turned to face him. Her delicate features lit up in the dim light. Despite his haggard, bloated, and unkempt appearance, she beamed at him.

“There you are!”

He smiled nervously and waved.

“I was getting worried. I was beginning to think that they had you thrown off a cliff or something. You never know with these rowdy boys what they do to the new royal guards. How are you feeling? What did you do last night?”

Link grimaced. “We drank.”

Zelda looked over at the table filled with empty mugs. “All of that?”

Link nodded.

“How…interesting.” She eyed the snoring guards scattered around the floor. “Very interesting. You know…I always wanted to hang out and see.”

Link wanted to tell her that it really wasn’t all that exciting. More…sickening. But his gas pains got the better of him and made him grunt a little. He was mustering all his strength not to fart in front of her. His very rectum swelled with gas, ready to shoot out.

Zelda eyed the barrels of wine. “Father won’t even let me in this room. This is the first I’ve seen it. I didn’t realize how much we had.”

The pain was really making him suffer now. He was heaving a little and perspiring.

“You look sick. Are you okay?”

Link shrugged it off. “Tired.”

Zelda giggled. “Stayed up really late?”

He nodded.

“Okay. I’ll let you be then.” She began tiptoeing her way back. She stopped to take in the scene and shook her head. She whispered, “By the gods, I wish I had fun last night.”

Link was ready to explode.

He waited until Zelda’s footsteps faded from the stairs. Then, he waited a further two more agonizing seconds before letting go.

The resulting noise that came out of him was like a foghorn playing the deepest note possible for the longest time possible. It almost hurt for it to come out, but the satisfaction was deeply relieving. He relaxed, bending down to rest his hands on his knees.

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPP!

The fart was so loud that it roused the guards. They all woke with a startle. Some yelled and brandished their swords, while others complained and stumbled about.

Jerma himself was startled. He sat up from his chair and had his hand on his hilt. He swerved his attention to the noise and finally realized what had happened. After calming down, he guffawed.

“Way to rouse the troops, Link! We should have you wake us up more often!”