March 2022 Story - College Gas 101 (Chapter 7 - Final) (Patreon)

Emilia had experienced a hangover once before at Kim’s graduation party, but this was different. Far different. Wildly different. This was a true hangover. This was complete and total incapacitation.

Emilia woke up with a hazy memory. She recalled bits and pieces. Walking around at night. Laughing. Drinking. Looking down at her belly as her shirt kept riding up, revealing her belly button.

She fell in and out of consciousness. She recalled one explicit memory of downing a waterfall of tequila as Julie went around pouring a handle into everyone’s mouth.

When the sun finally annoyed her, Emilia woke up. She had no idea what time it was, nor did she recognize where she was. She started to panic, but then the hangover hit her like a ton of bricks.

“Uggggggghhhh,” she moaned aloud.

She couldn’t get up for a variety of reasons. She was still somewhat drunk. Her vision wasn’t blurry but things didn’t sit still. Her stomach was one giant knot of gas. She looked down at herself and realized that she was still in her clothes from the night before. Her belly bulged like never before, baring her belly button. Her loose shirt was now tight around her torso. She laid on her side moaning, rubbing her belly.

The room was unfamiliar. The walls were filled with movie posters everywhere, all mostly rom-coms and a few sci-fi movies like Back to the Future and Star Wars. Was this Rob’s room? No, that wouldn’t make sense. Oh God. Did she and Rob—

PPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT!

Emilia jolted. The massive, abrasive and bassy fart wasn’t hers. It was someone else. She cringed and looked over the edge of the bed on the floor.

Tess was passed out on the floor with a blanket. She snored loudly and turned around in her sleep, letting off another foghorn of a fart without waking up.

On the other bed was Rita, also in her clothes and also passed out snoring.

Emilia moaned in bed for a while. She needed to shit. But she was so tired and achy that the thought of going to the bathroom pained her. She leaned over the bed and eventually landed on the floor. From there on out, she crawled to the bathroom. Her belly hung so low it almost touched the floor.

The common room looked like the aftermath of a war. There were dozens, if not hundreds, of red solo cups scattered around. Some had spilled on the floor and the entire room smelled like cheap, wheaty beer. A few girls from the team were out cold on the couches and on the floor. There was no boy in sight.

The girls snored and farted. Emilia never heard so many girls fart at once. It was like everyone had pent-up gas inside of them, and the funny thing was nobody woke up from them. She spotted Rebecca on the couch curled up in a blanket. She snored like a pig, the loudest of them all, and then moaned and shifted and farted out loud, then murmured a sigh.

The bathroom was only a few feet away, but it looked miles ahead for Emilia. She gave up crawling and needed a moment to collect herself. Her entire digestive system was in ruins. It couldn’t decide how it wanted to eject the waste. Was it a burp? A fart? Vomiting? Diarrhea?

Emilia heaved and tried her best to get up.

A door opened and Julie Bliss walked in. She squinted in the light and went to close the blinds. She somehow was completely sober and awake, if not a bit tired judging by her disheveled hair and glazed eyes. She wore nothing but a very large sweater with the Dickinson sports mascot – a buff squirrel.

“Oh shit, Emilia?” she said, finally noticing Emilia attempting to get up.

Emilia murmured nonsense. Her tongue lolled, but Julie understood and helped her to the bathroom.

“You need to throw up?” Julie asked.

Emilia tried to articulate that she didn’t know, but Julie helped tie up Emilia’s hair and held her by the toilet bowl. Emilia felt like Frankenstein’s monster, only able to gesture and speak in moans and groans.

“Have you ever drank this much before?” she asked.

Emilia shook her head and moaned.

“First time is always the worst. Don’t worry. I know the Heimlich Maneuver. You’re in good hands with me if you choke on your own vomit.”

That didn’t sit well with Emilia. It actually made her stomachache worse as her anxiety shot through the roof. She moaned and leaned forward into the toilet bowl. Gas and undigested food swirled inside of her. She probably ate all the foods she wasn’t supposed to eat; she could tell by how puffy her face was.

Emilia’s stomach then gurgled so loud that Julie heard it. She paid attention and prepared for Emilia to throw up.

“Alright. Easy does it.”

Emilia leaned closer to the toilet bowl. All at once, her body screamed many things – burp, fart, throw up, poop! Very mixed signals. She was getting warm and clammy, almost like she was getting a fever.

What the hell is happening to me? she thought.

Her stomach kept gurgling and gurgling, a boiling cauldron.

Then she felt it coming – the biggest fart ever. She just knew. It felt like a shit at first but then as the gas traveled through her intestines and was ready in her sphincter, she knew this was going to be the mother of all farts.

“Julie—” she tried to warn her, but it was too late.

A wet, loud, long, slapping fart erupted from her. It sounded sickening and deafening, cartoonishly loud. It couldn’t have been real – nobody farts like that, not even her. But it was actually happening.

BBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRppppppppppppPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP---

And it kept going! Like a train that chugged along. Her eyes widened as she tried to take a breath. How long had it been? A minute already? As she grew more conscious of it, her face turned beet-red with embarrassment. It was now so loud that her asshole started to hurt, but at the same time every second that passed by felt more glorious than the last. Farting was so good. So goddamn good – Emilia had to admit it to herself. Her body was releasing all these toxic fumes.

--PPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPffffffPPPPPBBbbbbbPPpPPbbbPPBbbbbRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr---

She winced as it passed what felt like the minute and a half mark. She took shallow breaths and the fart kept raging.

Oh God, when will it end? she thought. But she also knew it wouldn’t end until every last bit was out and her stomach felt better.

--pfffffffhhhhTTTTTTrrrr—

She felt it wrapping up. The momentum was slowing down.

--pppfffffffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbbtttthhhhhh….sssssssss…

Emilia groaned aloud at the end. She felt as though she had just had a baby, if having a baby ever felt like such a thing, that was probably it.

“Wuff,” Julie said, wafting the air with her hand. “That was pretty fucking big. I think that must have hit two minutes. Almost. Holy crap.”

Emilia was finally able to speak. She felt loads better. She could actually function and not feel like she was going to die. She had stopped sweating and all the anxiety left her.

“Oh. My. God,” she said, speechless. “I am soooo sorry. That was the grossest fart I ever ripped.”

“Oh Emilia,” Julie said, dismissing it with the wave of her hand, “you keep saying sorry too much. You don’t have to. You have no idea how much of a farty bunch we are.”

“Even you?” Emilia said.

Julie didn’t answer that. She helped Emilia up to her feet. “You good? No vomit?”

Emilia rubbed her belly in satisfaction. Since the beginning of the party last night, she was able to zip up her skirt. She stood up and felt like a completely new person. She was still very much hungover – the light annoyed her and she was generally groggy – but at least she didn’t feel like she was going to fucking die.

She went back to the room where she had passed out in, which she found out was Julie’s room and her roommate Lauren. Rita was stirring and started moaning.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” Emilia said, smirking.

“Fuck,” Rita said. “We blacked out, didn’t we?”

“Yep.”

“First time for everything, I guess.”

Emilia heard her phone vibrate. She had completely forgotten about it. She searched through everything trying to find it, but the vibration was coming from somewhere.

“Here you go!” Julie said. She had found it underneath a blanket on the floor.

Emilia picked it up.

Zack was calling her.

In fact, he had called numerous times throughout the night, almost once each hour.

“Oh,” Emilia said. She felt sick again. “Shit.”

#

Emilia was so scared of calling Zack back that she pondered about it for almost two hours. She was back in her dorm and had told Melissa everything that had happened (at least, that she remembered happening). Melissa found the story amusing, and even laughed out loud when they found out that the team was fucking with them about some kind of punishment.

Then she found herself staring down at her phone.

Apparently, she had called Zack a bunch of times and left drunken, crazed voicemails. According to Zack, she was so incoherent that he thought she took psychedelics or worse – cocaine.

“I don’t think he knows how drugs and alcohol work,” Melissa said, rolling her eyes.

Emilia yelped when Zack called again. She stared at the phone, at his grinning face and the word “ZACK” in all caps.

“Answer it!” Melissa urged. “Gotta rip the band-aide off and do it now.”

Emilia gulped. She answered.

“H-hey, Zack.”

“Emilia? That you? Oh God. What happened? Are you okay? Are you in the hospital? Did you need to get your stomach pumped?”

“N-No. No, no, no, none of that.”

“I’ve never HEARD you like that before. You sounded…so unlike yourself. It was the scariest thing I ever heard. Please don’t do that ever again.”

Emilia shuddered. She felt the shame and guilt weigh her down. She didn’t even want to look across the room at Melissa. She eyed the floor. “Yeaaaah.”

“You don’t know those people. That was really dangerous. They could have spiked your drink. Or worse.”

Emilia wanted to say something. She clenched her fingers and wanted to say that he was patronizing her like a mother and that she could handle herself. She had actually used the marker last night, judging by the red solo cup with her name on it after she woke up. Actually, everyone ended up labeling their cup. She wanted to say that and more but then it all went away when Zack said, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to sound like I’m your dad or something. I just. I love you very much.”

It was like that a lot – this inner pendulum between frustration and love. Right now, it swung towards love. She put aside everything and relaxed her shoulders. “I love you so much too, Zack. I miss you. I wish you could have been here to see me get into the team.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up earlier. I’ve just been getting the hang of this college thing. But now it feels alright and I promise to call you more.”

Emilia smiled. She pulled back her hair behind her ears. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t wait to see you.”

“Me neither. You still coming for that Halloween party, right?”

“Yeah. Of course!”

“Good. I’m gonna get something to eat. I think you should too.”

“Oh definitely.”

“Bye. Love you.”

“Love you!”

And that was that. Emilia sighed heavily. It wasn’t as bad as she had thought it was going to be. She then realized Melissa was giving her a look.

“What? What is it?”

Melissa smirked and shook her head. “Nothing. Anyway. Let’s go get something to eat.”

Emilia grimaced. “Not the cafeteria again. It’s Saturday. Why don’t we go into town?”

“That’s what I was thinking. We’ll go to the diner.”

“Cool.”

They gathered their things, went to get Rita, and the three of them walked out into the late afternoon sun, through the wooded paths on campus, and spent the first of many weekends together outside.

#

Julie did most of the cleaning in her suite. She liked to be “the mom” of her suite and take care of everyone.

Just like she took care of Emilia.

After finishing up mopping the floors of dried-up beer stains, she looked around to make sure her roommates weren’t watching her. She took out her phone and opened up her gallery.

In there were several pictures of her making out with Emilia.

Julie sighed, and started deleting them.

The End

(For Now)