March Story - College Gas 101 (Chapter 1) (Patreon)

Emilia Bankowski was going to Dickinson University all by herself. There was nobody else from her high school attending with her. Not Kim, not Michelle, not Alessa, and not Sonam. In some ways it was exciting, and in other ways not so exciting. Who was to say her roommate wouldn’t be as forgiving about her farts as her friends were? Forgiving might be the wrong word. They weren’t so much forgiving as they simply “put up” with her.

To put it bluntly, Emilia farted a lot. For as long as she could remember, her farts were the loudest out of anyone she ever knew. As her high school friends joked, Emilia didn’t fart – she ripped ass. Every. Single. Time. There wasn’t a time when Emilia could honestly remember letting out a quiet or silent fart. Each one just had to be audible in some way. There was no end to the diversity of sounds her sphincter made. There were the wet ones, the ones that sounded like ducks, the long droning ones, and the loud but short ones that went off like a firecracker.

Emilia couldn’t help it! She had a sensitive stomach. For starters, it took her years to realize that she was lactose intolerant. She didn’t figure it out until late in high school, so most of her adolescence was riddled with embarrassing gaseous moments, annoying both friends and family. Her own boyfriend Zack hated her farts, and they got in the way of Emilia having sex for the first time.

Zack really wanted to have sex. Emilia wanted to as well but wanted to ease into it and figure out the right time. She needed a buildup to it, you know? Go on a date, do some caressing, maybe watch a movie. But Zack was often impatient and ended up not being interested after a while. So, to please him, she caved in. She went over to his house once since his parents were away for the entire day. She was really nervous and told him that she really wanted to ease into it first before jumping in, so they watched a movie first. While watching, she gorged herself on popcorn that was practically drowning in butter. That was the thing about being lactose-intolerant – she was still madly in love with all the foods she couldn’t have. She absolutely loved popcorn, her favorite comfort food. And what good was popcorn without butter? The butter was what did it in for her. She ate the entire bin of popcorn in a couple minutes, and meanwhile the movie had barely just started.

“Wow. That was a lot,” Zack said. “You should slow down next time.”

Emilia blushed. “Sorry. I was hungry.”

No more than ten minutes after she finished eating the entire bin of popcorn, her stomach started gurgling. It gurgled once at first, then two more times, and then it became a nonstop cauldron of bubbling.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom or something?” Zack asked, with a very irked tone in his voice. “The best part is coming up.”

They had been seeing each other since freshman year of high school. Zack was short and burly, but not necessarily the “fit” kind of burly. He had a certain “dad bod” that Emilia found attractive. He could probably bear hug someone to death. He was a wrestler after all, and Emilia was too shy to admit that she enjoyed rough-housing. It was one of her deepest and darkest secrets. He was black-haired, cute, and was dead set on showing Emilia the entire Star Wars series since she hadn’t seen any of them before. The big reveal from The Empire Strikes Back was about to happen, but Zack paused it.

“If you gotta go, go now.”

She hopped off the couch and hurried to the bathroom.

Once inside she rubbed her belly and moaned. Her dress felt so tight, despite the fact that it was supposed to be loose-fitting, so one would think it would be perfect to hide bloating. But her stomach had ballooned so much that she looked pregnant. The dress wanted to burst at the seams! The farts weren’t coming out yet, so she just stood there staring at her reflection in the mirror, distraught. At least she looked good for the night - her long brunette hair done in a half-up-half-down style. Her face thankfully didn't swell up, though she always had a baby-face that she couldn't do anything about. 

With her large square glasses that made her eyes look ten times bigger, Emilia might come off as a bookish nerd to any stranger but, in reality, she loved to play outside a lot more. She did have her nerdy side gushing over anime and manga, but the great outdoors was always her preference. She had a history playing soccer, tennis, swimming, and even fencing for a short time. She currently settled on karate and rugby. Dickinson had a notable rugby team that she was looking forward to.

Despite her active lifestyle, Emilia’s body always kept itself on the heavier end. She wasn’t skinny, but not exactly obese either. In fact, doctors always frustrated her. One doctor would warn her that her BMI said that she was technically “obese”, and another doctor would suggest that she wasn’t obese but should maybe lose five or six pounds. Her old aunt Lydia always commented on her weight. Whenever she visited her, Lydia would pinch the sides of her belly and say if she had gained or lost weight since last time they saw each other. It was a frustrating and, frankly, devastating experience growing up. Emilia constantly felt like she was being “bred” like a racehorse, especially when her doctor took out calipers once to measure her body fat. One moment her mother said she was eating too much but then the next scold her for not finishing her dinner. Her high school friends were all so slim and lithe and attractive. They had perfect smiles and great hip-to-waist ratios. Yes; they actually measured and talked about it. It was always a discussion Emilia felt too embarrassed to chime in on. She never felt up to snuff against them, with her gummy smile and a double chin that sometimes reared its ugly head if someone angled the camera too low.

Emilia’s stomach gurgled. She paced back and forth cursing herself for eating all that popcorn with all that greasy butter. Thankfully, she didn’t choose to wear jeans that night. Even after she undid the strap on her dress, she had to heave to breathe.

She was in there for ten whole minutes and couldn’t tell anymore if she had to fart or shit. Her stomach felt so backed up that it took effort just to stand. She sat on the toilet for an agonizing five more minutes, groaning through the pain, rubbing her bloated stomach.

“Emilia?” Zack asked from outside. “Everything all right?”

“Yeaaaah,” she moaned. It didn’t occur to her if he heard her or not, because she was in so much pain now that it was difficult to speak.

Every time she rubbed her belly, she could feel the gas move around. She expected the gas to finally come out, but it always seemed to lodge itself in some pocket and got stuck again. She then had an idea and went over to the sink. She pressed up her belly against the edge of the counter. Her stomach gurgled even louder – it was close, but not close enough….

Zack knocked on the door. “Emilia?”

The knock made her jump. The quick fright was enough to get everything going. The gas immediately rushed through her intestines and that was when she ripped an abrasive, loud fart.

PPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT!

She yelped aloud. She hadn’t expected it to be so big. She managed to clench her butt cheeks for a split second, hoping to fart more quietly, but the remaining gas could not be contained. It came out in bursts like a machine gun.

PRRRRT!

PRRRRMMMP!

PRRRUUUURP!

BBBRRRRRRPPPPHHHTTT!

PRRRT!

PRAP!

Emilia stood there for God knows how long, ripping one fart after another. She had never farted so many times in a row in her life before, completely unable to control any of them. It was like a dam had burst and there was nothing she could do about it. She let off a cacophony of farts, each one loud and monstrous. Her face turned red and felt hot since she was so goddamn embarrassed about Zack hearing all this. Her asshole started hurting, but at the same time she was feeling deeply relieved, like she was literally deflating.

And the entire time…Zack heard her farting from behind the door.

After the last fart, she stayed in the bathroom for a couple more minutes. She heard Zack go back to the couch. She then stepped out of the bathroom with her face looking like a red pepper. She had never been so embarrassed in her life. Zack didn’t say much about it, but she knew he was grossed out by it and didn’t want to dwell on it. He continued playing the movie and went on as if nothing had happened – he didn’t ask or acknowledge it in any way.

They tried having sex after the movie, right there on the couch. Emilia laid down on her back, and when Zack raised her legs preparing to enter her, Emilia cracked off another loud fart.

PPPURT!

Zack immediately winced and groaned in disgust. He lowered her legs and said, “Can’t you go to the bathroom for that?”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know it was coming.”

“How do you not know a fart is coming?”

“I…I don’t know. I just…It just happened. I’m sorry!”

Zack sighed. She hated herself watching the excitement leave his face and as he started buckling his pants again. “You know, it’s getting late. I think my parents should be here soon. You should head out.”

Emilia nodded. She picked up her things and he walked her out the front door. After kissing her goodbye, he said, “Take it easy on the butter next time.”

For the sake of having a sex life, Emilia resorted to cutting off dairy from her diet. But even so, removing most dairy products from her diet didn’t guarantee fewer explosive farts. Her doctor finally surmised that maybe she had IBS. Hot wings roiled her bowels. Any kind of protein really got to her. Vegetables created some of the longest rippers. Beans, a classic, produced toxic fumes. Among her high school friends, she received the literally butt end of the jokes.

Anytime they had a sleepover or hangout at one of their houses, Emilia’s gas would surely make an unwarranted entrance.

Kim always reminded her of Ms. Frizzle from Magic Schoolbus. Kim had curly brunette hair, always dressed in eccentric colors, and had the loudest and nerdiest laugh that everyone found contagious and endearing. Emilia envied that. Meanwhile, Emilia had that gummy smile and a cackle that irritated people, so she was often afraid to laugh aloud in front of anyone. Kim hailed from the richest family in town, so the girls typically hung out in her mansion. It wasn’t really a mansion. Her family didn’t have their own private road or anything like that; it was still smack in the middle of the suburbs, but it was certainly a big fucking house with many rooms. Emilia, who only ever lived in apartments, personally considered it a “mansion”.

Alessa somehow already looked old enough to graduate college. Puberty hit her really early. Alessa reminded Emilia vaguely of herself, but more attractive (Emilia thought most girls were more attractive than herself). Alessa was able to rock her curly hair like a rock star goddess. She dressed the nicest of them all, and she too knew what she wanted in life.

Michelle had a long mane of red hair, and her face had freckles. She was thin, had a colder and more sarcastic disposition, and wasn’t into many of the things the other girls were into. She was the least nerdy of them all, but she had her talents and skills in art.

Finally, there was Sonam. Unlike the other girls, Emilia and Sonam went as far back as elementary school. She was short, dark-skinned, fit, and typically had a temper that could rival anyone’s. Out of everyone in the group, Sonam had her shit together and planned out her life all the way to retirement, and this was before they even went through junior year of high school. Some people were just like that. And even though Sonam had a much more anal view of life than Emilia, Emilia couldn’t help keeping her as a friend. Maybe it was because her lifestyle was something admire. Everything about her, even her family life, was much better than Emilia’s.

While most of the girls put up with Emilia’s gas, Sonam hated it the most. Last time they ordered takeout for a sleepover, Sonam warned Emilia, “Don’t get something that makes you fart.”

“Everything makes her fart,” Kim said laughing. “It doesn’t matter what she eats!”

Michelle said, “Oh my God, remember that one time she ate that entire box of Goldfish?”

Alessa chuckled. “Who’d have thought Goldfish of all things would make someone fart?”

Emilia blushed, embarrassed that everyone always talked about her gas as if she weren’t there. Alessa noticed and said, “It’s okay, Emilia. We still love you.”

It didn’t feel that way though.

If it wasn’t about her farts, it was about her body. Emilia was the heaviest of her high school friends. She stuck out like a sore thumb in every picture with them. The prom picture outside Kim’s house? Oof. They did it by height order from left to right and Emilia couldn’t help but always think to herself, “I’m the fattest one” when looking at that picture.

It didn’t help that she always had a ravenous appetite from her long history of being sportive. She naturally had to eat to keep up with working out a lot, but maybe that was the thing. She grew up with other girls who were not really that sportive. They were super-smart, pretty, and went out shopping with enormous bank accounts from a privileged life. That and Emilia couldn’t take the dietary restrictions anymore. Many gluten-free or dairy-free products didn’t taste the same. Like anyone else who was lactose-intolerant and gluten-sensitive, she was attracted to the foods that made her suffer. Imagine life without pure bread! Ice cream! Custard pastries! Pizza! She tried plant-based pizza once. Never again.

And so, on the day her parents drove her to Dickinson University, Emilia was wrought with anxiety. So much so that it triggered her nervous farts. Nervous farts were the worst. They were the ones that smelled.

Emilia rolled down the window when she recognized her own stench. Too late – her father already sniffed the air and started laughing. “Did someone cut cheese?” he said, in his thick Polish accent. He always cracked some weird boomer joke.

“Don’t look at me,” her mother said, glancing at her at the rearview mirror.

Emilia grumbled and cringed in her seat. She continued to slip out noxious fumes, and then rolled down the window all the way to waft it all outside as quickly as possible.

They reached the front gate of the college, and the giant words “DICKINSON UNIVERSITY” were hung on an archway like a theme park. Several students from the Orientation Committee were cheering all the incoming freshman by the road, shouting and whooping.

They seemed lively enough. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

On one hand, this was a fresh start. A new slate! On the other hand, she better not be awkward and start off on the wrong foot with people. Dickinson University was small compared to most other colleges. There were no massive auditoriums with 200 students who were just numbers to teachers. Dickinson was smack-dab in the middle of smalltown America in New Jersey. It was the uppity, rich part of New Jersey, where the most action cops saw was giving out speeding tickets, and the only exciting thing to happen in the past five years was a fire at the downtown bagel shop.

It was peaceful and quiet and homely. But that might mean that it could be sheltered, and in a way like high school all over again. It was one of the few places Emilia was admitted to. She sure as hell didn’t want to go to any of those massive, sprawling, city colleges. She was closer to home here, and she could see Kim and the others easily during weekends. The local train was a straight shot to many major cities on the East Coast, and especially to Philly where Zack now went to college.

Emilia’s assigned dorm hall was all the way in the back of the campus. As they approached the parking lot, they passed by hundreds of new students walking around like ants carrying their stuff from their cars to their rooms. A heavy lump rose in Emilia’s chest, but then it dissipated as they parked.

“We’re here!” her father said.