Ain't no way no wuman is stronger than me! (Short Story) (Patreon)

Ain't no way no wuman is stronger than me!

Written by SteeleBlazer

"Ain't no way no wuman is stronger than me!"

Those were the words of Bufford Simpelman, a man who wasn't known for his words, but for his strength. He was as strong as an ox and nearly as smart as one. But, you better not let him hear you calling him dumb as an ox, first because you'll find out just how dumb you were for letting him hear it... And second, it's not fair to the ox! Now, I'm not saying he's as dumb as an ox, but let me tell you, I don't think he's any smarter.

But, this isn't about Bufford's intelligence. This story is about something rather queer... A growing concern among the men in this great big wide county of ours, and perhaps even the entire world, is that the womenfolk are growing great and big and wide of shoulder and just plain larger and stronger. Yes, it seems like the weaker sex has gone on and bulked up, and now all the girls have mighty female muscles... Muscles bigger, larger, and stronger than all us men's muscles. And now, you might not think it's fair that the fairer sex is now large and in charge. But, that's just the growing fear and conclusion we men have to make, as all the women outgrow their old roles in our simple society. And for a simpleton like Bufford Simpelman, that can be hard to accept as he's just about one of the strongest men around... But, next to these modern women, he's a real weakling.

Don't believe me? Well, let's look at the validity of his statement and the deconstruction of it and of the myth of the male patriarchy and of the muscular supremacy of the male sex. First, we'll need to be familiar with the popular but grammatically incorrect word "Ain't."

In the modern culture, "Ain't" is a bit of a rebel word. It’s the denim jeans of language: not quite accepted in formal settings but embraced by the masses for its comfort and versatility. Despite the tsk-tsking of grammarians and the upper crust, "Ain't" sauntered through the American lexicon with the swagger of a rock 'n' roll star. It’s the linguistic embodiment of the era's rebellious spirit, a badge of authenticity for anyone who preferred practicality over propriety.

While uncouth and not widely accepted in academic circles, society has become accustomed and accepting of its use in modern culture, and it is now part of our nomenclature. And while big, bulging, brawny biceps on beautiful women with beefcake physiques are becoming more and more common, so far, society hasn't been as accepting. But, women keep muscling in both literally and figuratively in roles and social circles that once were the exclusive domain of men.

We’re talking about sports and I don’t mean badminton, I mean all the sports... Baseball, where the expression “you throw like a girl” used to be an insult, and now it’s a compliment. And basketball, where the expression “you play like a girl” used to be a similar insult, but now too is a compliment and one that is being used in a multitude of sports. Even in rough and tumble sport of football, where they now say, “you hit like a girl” is the highest compliment for all the hard hits and tackles all the hard hitting hardbody gals do on the sports field.

Yes, the girls are taking over all the sports, including football. These women are taking over the gridiron with their iron thewed bodies, and pushing us men aside, both on the field and off. And they’re doing it to great big cheers. Worse it’s not just the girls cheering these women on when they bulldoze and stampede and trample us men over and score victories on the football field, relegating us men to the sidelines. They’ve now got those same men cheering them on as cheerleaders, complete with pleated skirts and shaved legs. And with each and every victory they toss aside the old notions of feminine frailty, and celebrate it by tossing those male cheerleaders high up in the air.

And with each victory they get on the gridiron, they’re getting just as many off the grid, as their influence and power grows, along with their burgeoning biceps and beautiful burly bodies. It’s really something that I believe men will be wrestling with in the ensuing years, just like how more and more women have gone into actual wrestling and taken that sport over too. I wouldn’t be pinning your hopes on the modern crop of young men to stop this rising tide of feminine might. These modern girls are growing more robust with thicker limbs, and wider shoulders, and are proving to be a greater yield than that of our boys, and sadly our boys are yielded to the superior bumper crop of the new superior gender.

And let me tell you nothing is quite as humbling for a young man then being pinned by the girl he’s pining for. But when these gals have limbs more akin to a mighty oak, it’s quite understandable.

They’re boxing us out in the boxing ring, proving they can just as easily knock us out with their brawny muscles, as with their knockout looks. Giving new meaning to the phrase “she’s a knockout!” Yes, it seems nothing quite packs a punch like the one-two punch of women’s beauty and brawn, not to mention beefy biceps. It’s a literal and figurative unbeatable combination that leaves all us men floored, in more ways than one.

Remember, these women aren’t just strong, they’ve got mighty female muscles and they hit like girls!

And so the dominion of women is growing and expanding along with their growing and expanding mass... And I mean that both in bodily terms and population metrics. And men, whether accepting or not, need to realize that the dominion of women is expanding as fast as their muscles are, and that they are dominating in these dominions in more ways than one.

Don't believe me? Well, would you believe Bufford Simpelman? While he might have said, "Ain't no way no wuman is stronger than me!"

It turns out... he was wrong, just as wrong as his grammatically incorrect statement. He made that statement at our county fair, where all the fair young musclebound maidens of our local high school were celebrating their recent state championship in football. There were lots of games and events. And on that day, you’d never seen so many people win prizes on the test-your-strength game. All of them female… And all of those beautiful belles swung that heavy hammer with their hefty muscles and rang that bell.

A bell that every time it sounded off... You know how they say, "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings?" Well, every time that bell sounded off, those angelic beauties bared their biceps, and they’d flare out their shoulders and lats so wide it practically looked like they had wings, and everyone got to see bulging muscles that would make a male bodybuilding champ green with envy. Each ring wasn't just a victory for feminine strength; it was a showcase of power, turning the age-old tale on its head. Instead of angels getting wings, every clang heralded the rise of these mighty women, flexing not just their muscles but shattering the very stereotypes that sought to confine them. The air was thick with awe, and not just from the summer heat, but from the palpable presence of sheer, unadulterated power. Every clang, a declaration; every flex, a story of defiance and strength. And here is the real kicker, they gave all their bashful blushing boyfriends all the cute little stuffed animals they won.

Yes, that was most indeed a queer feat to witness that day, almost as queer as what it was to see boys manning the kissing booth. What’s worse is it was the women that manned the arm-wrestling booth... Why it seems like the reverse should be the norm, but in this day of age, in the dawning of women’s muscular supremacy, it’s normal for men to man the kissing booth and women to man the arm-wrestling booth. We’re being out manned by women and there’s nothing us men can do about it.

And these women aren’t ugly or mannish; they could tug on your heart strings with their great beauty... But, they also tugged on something different-they tugged on a long, thick rope when a group of them gargantuan muscle gals defeated the boys in tug o’ war. And that victory was just another battle won that day by those buff beauties, and seeing all those brawny lasses flex and giggle while they celebrated their victory, while all the boys were wallowing in their defeat... And the mud and muck from the tug o’ war pit looking like a bunch of pigs in slop. Why, you’d think the war was already over for us men and we lost the arms race. Mainly because every single one of those girls arms dwarfed even the strongest amongst us men.

But once again the truly pig-headed thing that was said that day came from Bufford Simpelman as he shook his head at the most recent spectacle that seemed to proclaim and ordain these modern Amazons as conquering heroes in the war of the sexes.

He said loudly and boldly and boastfully that, "Ain't no way no wuman is stronger than me!"

And it wasn’t long before his boasts were heard...

You see, he was challenged to an arm-wrestling match by one of those modern women with those great big girly muscles. And he lost to her! The match was a spectacle the likes of which the county fair had never seen. Bufford, with his biceps bulging like cantaloupes under his skin, was confident, even cocky. "Ain't no girl can put my arm down," he boasted, but she did more than just put his arm down. She picked him right up and held him there till he hollered and yelled, so long till his chickens came home to roost. And he was only put down when he finally conceded, "I ain't no stronger den any of ya wumen!"

And so this ends Bufford's reign as being the strongest person in the county, and perhaps also all of man’s reign as being the stronger sex. While it's an important fact to remember that while Bufford may be uncouth, he is also really, really strong... But just not as strong as a woman with mighty female muscles.

And while you might think it ain’t possible for women to become bigger and stronger and more powerful than us men. Just remember the simple lesson above that the simpleton Bufford Simplmen learned today.

That while “Ain’t” didn’t used to be a word, that times are a’ changing and now it is... Just like how now women are now stronger than men, and that we men are now the fairer sex, whether or not that’s fair or not. And let that be a lesson for any of the silly and simple men out there who still might believe otherwise.

Let that be the lesson learned today at our county fair...