ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Theseus' Chimichurri (Patreon)

So....I love chimichurri sauce a lot. Like A LOT a lot. And I've never really been able to get it right at home, even though I try all over again every couple of years. 

And I got it in my head to do so again last week. SURELY THIS TIME TRIUMPH IS MY BESTIE.

Welllll...I seem to have temporarily forgotten that I live on an island in the middle of the m-fing ocean and on said island the only shop closes at 6pm now because covid means there's no decency anymore and nothing matters...so I set out to make chimichurri with precisely NONE of the actual requisite ingredients for chimichurri and no way to acquire them except for *checks notes* red wine vinegar. And salt I guess. 

BUT I AM NOT DETERRED WHEN THE HUNGER IS UPON ME.

Plus, it's not like the island shop ever sold fresh oregano anyway.

Thus, every ingredient in THIS chimichurri is a substitution for the actual authentic ingredient, plus some other stuff to make up for what I didn't have, and no I'm not sorry, and no, I will not stop putting it on everything, because it's completely delicious and frankly, I can never eat those clear plastic bins of arugula before it goes slimybad and this uses it all up so YES I AM A FRUGAL WARRIOR WHO USES EVERY PART OF THE ASS-END OF THE REFRIGERATOR, THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.

It is the Chimichurri of Theseus, replaced part by part like the famous ship until undergraduates everywhere are forced to debate whether or not it IS actually chimichurri at all.

It is not. I'm just going to be up front about that. On the bright side, if you are one of those poor souls born without the ability to enjoy the favors of cilantro, this is the fake-ass churri-poser for you! Nevertheless, by no reasonable argument is this chimichurri.

But, as Data once so incisively said, it is green.

Ingredients

1/4 cup red wine vinegar 

4 cloves garlic

1 teaspoon cumin

1 teaspoon red pepper flakes OR 1-2 dried thai chilis

1 jalapeno, cored and de-stemmed

1 tablespoon salted and shelled pistachios

2 cups arugula

1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil

Salt and pepper to taste

Pinch of sugar

Zest of one lime

We Look For Things To Make It Go

There's a really tricky little bit of technique here, real chef shit, but once you get the hang of it, you can use it in so many different dishes, you'll be an expert in no time.

Ready?

Get a food processor or a blender. Dump all that stuff in there. Push "smoosh." Stop when smooshed.

Tell everyone they need to present a cogent five-minute argument concerning the Ship of Theseus before they get to eat.