ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: RGBHWAOGPCHBTs (Scrabble Tile Decoder: Roasted Garlic Bacon Herbs Wilted Arugula Cucumber Onion Grilled Pineapple Chipotle-Honey Butter and Tomato Sandwiches) (Patreon)

While my friend Cylia was here, we made a terrifying amount of food together. It’s what happens when two people who love cooking on their own GET A BUDDY.

We basically cooked our way through most of Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook Cravings. And whatever you think about her as a person, she makes a mean cookbook.

But I honestly think this is what we liked the most, out of everything we baked, fried, whipped, boiled, or simmered.

As in, when we finished the two sandwiches we sensibly prepared for two people, we immediately looked at each other and whispered: we need more. And went through the whole process again to make MOAR SAMMICH.

It’s so freaking good. The different textures give you just LAYERS of cromch-soft-cromch-ooze-cromch. Tangy and salty and fresh and the pineapple is just the most perfect addition. I thought it would be too sweet, but the grilling process just melts and caramelizes the sugars until it’s this gorgeous disc of golden creamy goodness.

We changed quite a number of things from the original recipe, enough to call it almost our own, because the OG recipe calls for SPECIFIC STUFF and Chrissy, girl, I LIVE ON AN ISLAND AND THE SHOP CLOSES AT 6 NOW SO I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU. WE’RE ALL LUCKY I HAD PINEAPPLE RINGS OK? But the plain version, in which these are sliders featuring King’s Hawaiian Rolls and regular old iceberg lettuce is available in Cravings.

LET’S GET THAT EAT ON.

Ingredients

(makes 1 sandwich each for 4 or two for 2, start doubling the recipe for more people and understand IN YOUR SOUL that you’ll be lucky if everyone only has 2)

4 Brioche Buns

1 can pineapple rings (you’ll use one per sandwich)

1 package of your favorite bacon (3 slices per sandwich)

4-5 cloves garlic

1 small bunch arugula per sandwich

1 small cucumber

1 medium red onion

1 very fresh large beefsteak tomato

1 bunch herbs of your choice (I love cilantro on this, but for those who suffer genetically and cannot know its majesty, sweet basil and parsley work beautifully)

2 tablespoons chipotle-honey butter (recipe included at the end)

Trader Joe’s Chili Lime Mayonnaise or other spicy mayo to taste

1-2 tablespoons olive oil or, as needed

GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE YOURSELF A SANDWICH, YOU THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLENNIAL, YOU

FIRST WE GONNA MESS WITH THIS BACON’S MIND, MAAAN.

Peel and finely dice (do not use a garlic press, you want chunks so they don’t burn before they bacon’s done) 4-5 cloves of garlic into small pieces.

Get out your biggest sheet pan and line with aluminum foil. Arrange pieces of bacon on the foil. (You might find it convenient to cut the pieces in two to fit more nicely on the bun.)

Sprinkle garlic evenly over the top.

Bake at 400 for 10-12 minutes, checking frequently until bacon is at your preferred crisp level. Remove from oven and set aside.

While bacon is cooking, prepare the rest of the fresh ingredients. Slice onion into 1/4 inch rings, just thick enough to get a good snap when you bite into them. Slice tomato into slabs. Take a vegetable peeler and slice the cucumber lengthwise with it so you have cute cucumber ribbons. Butter both sides of each bun and place in toaster oven but do not turn on yet.

Now, we move on to the grilled components. You can either do the pineapple inside in a pan, outside on a grill, or if you have a cast iron stovetop grill as I, kind of randomly, do, that’s the best option. Set heat to medium-high, brush the grill surface with olive oil and place one pineapple ring per sandwich on the grill/pan. You’ll want to be mindful of the progress, but I found it was about 2 minutes per side to get lovely brown grill-marks, 3 minutes to get some nice blackening without burning it.

Now turn the toaster on, and let buns toast until the buttered surface is golden brown.

Take a small handful of arugula and place it in a hot skilled that’s been brushed with olive oil. Gather the leaves into a vague circle and let sizzle for a minute or so, then flip over carefully and allow to crisp up on the other side. Don’t let it go too long or it’ll turn to mush, but give it a chance to release the peppery fragrance and merge into a green circle of goodness.

Spread chili lime or other spicy mayo on top and bottom buns and stack as follows:

Fresh herbs

Cucumber ribbon

Onion

Arugula

Tomato

Pineapple

Bacon slices

Give it a smack of black pepper and absorb praise from all nearby!

OH HEY WHAT ABOUT THAT CHIPOTLE-HONEY BUTTER THO

It’s the beeeeest, that’s what. Compound butters are ridiculously easy, especially if you have a KitchenAid, but if you don’t regular eggbeaters are fine, and so is doing it by hand with a rubber spatula and some HOT BICEP ACTION. And it looks like you are just this AMAZING BUTTER WITCH who CARES SO MUCH about her people that she MANIFESTED THIS FANCY-ASS THING WITH A HAUNTED CHURN.

But actually it takes less than ten minutes.

1/2 cup or 1 stick of very soft/room temperature butter

1 whole chipotle pepper from a can with adobo sauce (remove seeds if you don’t believe THE SPICE MUST FLOW)

2 teaspoons adobo sauce

1.5 tablespoons honey

Pinch of cinnamon

Pinch of salt

Pinch of lime zest

HOW DO

Get a bowl, put all that stuff in that bowl, mix in a stand mixer or with a handheld mixer on medium for a minute or two, just enough to make the butter fluffy and combine everything evenly. BE CAREFUL with electric mixers, you don’t want to whip the butter so hard it separates into milk solids and liquids, and if you are a Bear of Very Little Brain like me and get distracted easily, you can end up with some weird shit in there. Not really an issue if you’re mixing it by hand, just stir quickly with a rubber spatula until everything is well-combined and the color is even.

Scoop butter into a ramekin for serving or into a mold for shaping into cool stuff if you are the kind of person that has molds for soap, butter, jello, etc AND I AM NOT SAYING I AM THAT KIND OF PERSON THAT IS A RIDICULOUS KIND OF PERSON BUT I MEAN WE’VE ALL BEEN HERE AWHILE YOU HAD TO GUESS I HAVE A CRAFT CABINET THIS IS A NO JUDGMENT ZONE

You can just leave the butter at room temp if you want easy spreading, but if you want to present it all pretty-like at table, put the mold or the ramekin in the fridge until the butter firms up, then just before dinner, turn out the mold or run a knife around the edge of the ramekin and tap the top of it to pop out your perfectly-shaped butter lump.

And keep experimenting—you can make a compound butter out of just about any flavor you love!