ALLCAPS (but not Death's) COOKBOOK PRESENTS: 2020 Edition Hogswatch Persimmon-Peppercorn Pork Pies and Sherry (Patreon)

I’m not going to relate the whole story of my relationship to Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather, mostly because this month’s media review is about that very thing. But I will say that as soon as I read it, I knew I wanted to add Hogswatch to my winter holidays and make the Hogfather’s traditional snack.

The trouble is, not to put too fine a point on it, but actual authentic English pork pies are kind of awful. That’s not just me being American, it’s part of Pratchett’s joke here, that instead of milk and cookies, it’s this weird old fashioned foodstuff that children emphatically do not enjoy. There’s nothing cool about sherry, either, it’s grammy’s booze-of-choice, not even the more-respectable port. This meal is meant to be funny because it kind of sucks. Actual pork pies, which you can buy here in the States if you’re brave, are a rather undifferentiated mass of mostly-unseasoned meat and fat packed into a plain pie crust tighter than spam. It’s not overly appetizing and sits in your gut like the physical manifestation of regret.

So from my first Hogswatch, I wanted to do better. I have tried many flavor combinations over the years, starting with a kind of spicy barbecue smoked pork (which I think I posted here way back when), through carnitas with a candied citrus garnish on the pastry, and this year I went another direction entirely, a persimmon-peppercorn sauce, easily the most “Christmas” tasting of them all. I’ve made my own pie crust, used storebought, tried many different kinds of shortcrust dough, and this year went for puff pastry vol-au-vents. There’s a lot of ways to make this stuff great, and it really DOES go great with the sweet sherry, which isn’t actually half bad. It’s fancy comfort food: flavorful, hot, and with layers of spice and sweetness.

So here is this year’s version, which was no contest the least work due to my utter refusal to make my own puff pastry (fuck that) and my pressure cooker, which takes a lot of time and energy off the top of braising pork. If you don’t have a pressure cooker, you can braise this like you’d do anything else and continue on with the instructions from the point of turning off the cooker. However, you will need to adjust the liquid to just barely cover the meat—a pressure cooker doesn’t need tons of liquid to come up to pressure, but braising does. Just keep the ratios the same. If you prefer a short crust pie, I suggest making them in a cupcake tin so that you can have nice small portions, because these are very dense and filling.

Happy Hogswatch, everyone!

Ingredients

1 3-4 pound pork butt

1 cup dry red wine

1 1/2 cup beef broth

1/3 cup orange juice

3 tablespoons whole black peppercorns

1 tablespoon ground black pepper

2 teaspoons white pepper

1 teaspoon szechuan pepper

1 teaspoon cumin

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon ancho chili powder

7 cloves peeled garlic

1 whole persimmon, cut into wedges, reserve one wedge

4-5 sprigs fresh thyme

2 sprigs fresh rosemary

Storebought puff pastry shells (each package contains 6 shells and this will make WAY more pork than 6 pies worth. Depending on how many people you’re cooking for I would suggest getting 2 packages and keeping the rest of the meat for leftovers and easy protein for pastas etc)

Sauce

1/2 cup dry red wine

splash of cream sherry

3 tablespoons flour + more on standby just in case

1 tablespoon whole black peppercorns

Zest of one whole lemon

Zest of one half orange

1 capful red wine vinegar

HO HO HO

Put on the BBC Hogfather miniseries.

Cut pork roast into chunks about 2 inches long. It really doesn’t matter too much what size or shapes the chunks are just as long as they’re removed from the bone and manageable. Place in pressure cooker pot or stovetop pot with the stripped bone and all other non-sauce or pastry ingredients.

If you’re using a pressure cooker, close it all up, set it to an hour, and go drink your sherry while watching Michelle Dockery be so so pretty. If you’re braising it, make sure liquid just covers the meat, bring to a boil, then lower heat to a gentle simmer, set a timer for two hours, and go drink your sherry while watching Michelle Dockery be so so pretty.

Braising: after two hours, increase heat to medium low and keep an eye on it, stirring occasionally to make sure nothing sticks or burns, for another 45 minutes, then break up the meat into shreds and using a baster, remove half a cup or so of the liquid into a fresh pan. Increase heat to medium and stay in the kitchen watching the dang thing until there’s only about two inches of liquid left in the pan. Increase heat again and let the pork fry in its own fat until it turns golden brown and crackly.

Pressure cooker: when time is up, let pressure decrease for another 15 minutes on its own and then release the remainder manually. There will be a LOT of liquid left in the pan. Stir everything to keep it from sticking, then turn on the Saute function and let the liquid reduce by half. Then turn off pressure cooker.

Remove meat to a new pan while reserving the remaining liquid.

Prepare pastry shells according to packet instructions while you do the rest of this dance.

Fry the meat as in the braising version and set aside.

Now make the sauce! Add the sauce ingredients except vinegar to the reserved braising liquid and simmer, adding flour one tablespoon at a time, whisking briskly to avoid lumps. Simmer 2-3 minutes. Press persimmon wedge frequently into the pan to release juice. If the sauce feels too thin, add flour one tablespoon at a time until consistency is just slightly more watery than desired (it will thicken as it cools). If too thick, add more wine or beef broth. Turn off heat, stir in vinegar, and let sit.

Now, this sauce tastes amazing but looks a little unappetizing due to it being a pork gravy, which will never be the rich brown of beef gravy or the golden of chicken gravy. Controversially, I suggest a drop or two of brown or orange food coloring to brighten or darken it up. Or even a bit of black cocoa powder. THERE’S NO SHAME IN IT AESTHETICS MATTER.

By this time your shells should be done. Cut the tops off and layer pork and sauce in each shell, topping with a healthy dollop of sauce, a little swirl of sriracha (if you’re feeling festive) and the pastry top. Serve with the best cream sherry you can find, which will probably be about 4.99 because grammy is a cheap af drunk.

If you time it right, it’ll all be ready in time for the last act of the miniseries.