May Recipe: Vanilla-Scented Fried Rice Topped With Honey Garlic Shrimp (Patreon)

Basically my favorite foods group is “fancied-up versions of cheap comfort food” and this is definitely falls into that category. Give me truffled tater tots or gently-disciplined chicken nuggets with some kind of weird selection of sauces and I’m happy. 

And goddamn do I love fried rice. I didn’t eat it for years because blah blah dieting, but it’s one of those things that just always tastes like a good day in college, when you did well on your exams and the rent has already been paid. But now I’m approved to eat more or less whatever because the alien inside me is constantly hungry, so FRIED RICE I’M COMIN AT YA

The vanilla portion of this was sort of accidental awesomeness. A friend hooked me up with a bulk order of vanilla beans at a huge discount so I am always looking for unique ways to use them. I suggest finding a friend with a discount.

Now, I feel like I have to disclose something up front. Is this going to taste like it does in a restaurant? 

Nooooope.

And the reason for that is two things: MSG and lard.

There is nothing to keep you from buying some MSG and animal lard with which to cook your fried rice. Neither of them are nearly as bad for you as BIG SALT and…er…BIG SESAME would have us believe. But most people don’t, and fortunately or unfortunately, most actual restaurants use both liberally. 

ANYWAY.

This is also the recipe for which I have most liberally bled, Patreon. You see, a vital part of fried rice is leaving it uncovered, neglected, and ignored in the dang fridge for like two days. And I did that. I DID IT FOR YOU PATREON. And then an unnamed Mad Laboratory worker opened the fridge and the rice container tumbled out all over the floor and breasts were rent and hair was pulled and dirges sung but also I had to make the rice and neglect it all over again so long story short that’s why this shit is LATE.

HERE WE GO.

Ingredients

For the shrimp (you could make this with other meats easily if you wanted. I just had a lot of shrimp)

A bunch of shrimp (I don’t know, most of a bag)

1/2 cup honey

1/4 cup soy sauce

5 cloves garlic, crushed

1 teaspoon black pepper

For the rice

1.5 cups of your favorite rice, preferably long grain

2 vanilla beans 

1 teaspoon sugar

1 yellow onion

Some vegetables (diced carrots and peas are standard but I don’t care too much for that combo. Enoki mushrooms and poblano peppers are to die for, but anything you like will do, or you can go STRAIGHT MEAT)

Sesame oil

1 teaspoon brown sugar

3 tblsp soy sauce or more to taste (or leftover marinade)

1/2 teaspoon Oyster sauce

Sriracha to taste

1 teaspoon Hoisin sauce

1 teaspoon black vinegar

1.5 teaspoons cumin

3-4 eggs

Smashed cashews

[MY] PROCESS

You know how to make rice. Make the rice—in a rice cooker or stove top, I don’t judge your lifestyle choices—and break up the two vanilla beans into the rice water before you cook it. When it comes out, remove pieces and put rice in a large shallow container. Leave uncovered in refrigerator overnight AT LEAST. You really want to rice to get the feeling that you don’t love it anymore and want to see other carbohydrates. 48 hours is totally acceptable. It should be dried out and getting hard in various places, like an agry old man.

Make shrimp! Put shrimp in plastic freezer bag with all other marinade ingredients and shake vigorously. Leave in fridge for 15-3 hours. Not too much more or you get kind of a pickling deal with the soy sauce and the shrimp starts to taste like a hot dog. Which is fine, I guess, again, this is a judgment-free zone.

When you’re ready, heat sesame oil in large frying pan on medium-high heat and quickly fry shrimp for about 45 seconds a side. Then pour in half the remaining marinade and cook, turning the shrimp over to keep from burning, until the liquid is mostly absorbed. Set aside.

In a more different large frying pan, heat more different clean oil. When hot, add onions and cook until translucent. Add other veggies, cook another 1-2 minutes (or less if tghey are delicate veggies). Add rice and seasonings, breaking up clumps so it cooks evenly, and cook until it all starts too look brown and evenly cooked. 

Make a big hole in the rice. Crack eggs into it and scramble them in the pan without getting the liquid egg too mixed with the rice yet. Cook until the egg is almost set, then viogrously mix in with the rest of the fried rice. 

Top with shrimp and serve with scallions and cashews and OOH FOR EXTRA AWESOME fry up a bunch of minced garlic in a pan until just brown and then sprinkle on top! BEST.