ALLCAPS COOKBOOK: I Dream of Poland Green Vinaigrette Spread (Patreon)

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK: I Dream of Poland Green Vinaigrette Spread

When I went to Poland last year for the Polish National Convention, I got to stay in, naturally, Polish hotels. And hotels in Europe, I’m sorry to say to my fellow Americans, have complimentary breakfasts that are so much better than our greasy meatfests that it is to weep as much as one weeps for our lack of universal health care and good public transportation. Why can’t we have nice things? A bounty of fresh vegetables and fruits and national dishes? Oh, is it because our national dishes are greasy eggs and mystery sausage? That makes sense.

ANYWAY MOVING ON FROM MY BITTER REMINISCENCE. 

Every morning my hotel put out a tray of white ceramic shot glasses filled with this delicious green Stuff. It was sort of like a salad dressing, but it tasted like tart liquefied summer and I loved it. I poured it over all my vegetables and then mopped it up with bread. AND YEAH I STILL DREAM ABOUT IT WHY WOULD YOU ASK

So today I decided to reverse engineer it. After googling for various combinations of “Polish green dressing breakfast stuff” and finding nothing, I cobbled together a few recipes for green vinaigrettes and sat down to work. 

Only I actually didn’t have any of the essential fresh ingredients. At all. And I’m almost five months pregnant and tomorrow is my birthday and I was just not about taking a boat to get parsley. So I improvised. 

Is it exactly like my beloved Polish goop? Not really. I won’t be invited to any authentic Polish cuisine conventions. It’s sort of a cousin that used to be super tight with it but its parents moved away and they tried to be pen pals for awhile but one of them got a boyfriend and it just wasn’t the same after that but they still get together and smoke when everyone gets together for Christmas. OR SOMETHING.

ON THE OTHER HAND it’s so GODDAMNED good I’ve been sitting on the couch for half an hour just eating it on toast because I CAN’T STOP. I mean, again, pregnant, so shit is weird up in my taste buds and desire centers of the brain, but. Piece after piece. Fuck this stuff it’s so good. Ugh, I need to get more. Bye.

Okay I’m back.

I HAVE RETURNED TO TEACH YOU MY WAYS. MY DELICIOUS GOO WAYS.

Ingredients

2 bunches fresh pea shoots

1/2 bunch cilantro (the original definitely was parsley, so if you don’t like cilantro,  just subsitute parsley)

2 handfuls arugula lettuce

8 green onions, both white and green parts

8 cloves garlic peeled

1 1/2 tablespoon Dijon mustard 

1/4 cup white vinegar vinegar

1 tablespoon rice vinegar

1 tablespoon white wine

4 tbsp fresh lemon juice

2 1/2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce 

1 teaspoon red pepper flakes

3/4-1 cup extra virgin olive oil (the more olive oil the milder the flavor. I like it very  sharp, so I use as little as possible to make it a thick dressing consistency)

Sea salt and black pepper to taste

Optional: splash of pomegranate molasses and a splash of sriracha 

LET’S TALK ABOUT MY PROCESS

Combine everything except the olive oil, salt, and pepper in a food processor and blend, scraping down the sides, until a smooth paste is formed. With all these greens you’ll probably have to scrape and blend several times to get a real green toothpaste-like consistency.

While continuously blending on medium speed, drizzle the olive oil in slowly so that the sauce emulsifies. When all the oil has been incorporated, taste and add salt, pepper, and more acid (vinegars and lemon juice) to taste.

Serve as salad dressing, on toast, on pork chops, steak, eggs, eggs benedict (SEVERE PROFANITY THAT WOULD BE AMAZING), sandwiches, in chicken salad…frankly I’m having trouble coming up with anything savory this wouldn’t be fantastic on. It’ll keep for quite awhile and packs a huge punch of fresh, nutritious greens, so there’s really no downside OH MY GOD I’M GETTING MORE RIGHT NOW I HAVE A PROBLEM.