ALLCAPS COOKBOOK March Recipe: Charmander Noodles! (Patreon)

Charmander Noodles

Hi everyone! TIME FOR FOOD AGAIN.

So this one is a real comfort dish around the Mad Fiction Lab. It’s CRAZY easy and CRAZY good and CRAZY versatile. Also stupidly cheap. I actually got the original recipe (which I have modified so much over the years that it bears little resemblance to the original) from a Meals Under $5 blog, which called these “Dragon Noodles”. Now, I’m not crazy about calling anything remotely Asian-inspired DRAGON STUFF LOL, but that is what we called them for awhile because THE BLOG TOLD US TO. 

I am officially changing its name to Charmander Noodles. Charmander is still Asian and still a dragon but he is HIS OWN DAMN PERSONALITY and he has a RICH INTERNAL LIFE and does not conform to your culinary stereotypes. Also might be my favorite Pokemon. Is totally my favorite Pokemon. If I was a Pokemon I would be Charmander 100%. 

ANYWAY. 

Originally, this sauce was meant to go over rice noodles or fettuccine if you want to save a few bucks and still have something really delicious. But lately I’ve been totally obsessed with Korean rice cakes, or tteok. I prefer the sliced ones (tteokgukyong-tteok) but any shape is fabulous. They have the same consistency as the widest, thickest rice noodles you get at restaurants—thicker, perhaps—but come in a so, so satisfyingly toothsome round cake-like shape. They’re very easily gettable at Asian food stores or Amazon if you happen to live on a lonely Maine island like me. This is what is in the picture.

OKAY LET’S DO THIS ARE YOU PUMPED ARE YOU READY TO TTEOK?

Before I get into the official recipe portion of the party, a few words about how I cook. 

I don’t think I’ve ever made Charmander Noodles the same way twice. It depends on what I have in my cupboard and how I’m feeling that day. But the base is incredibly simple, and I just add whatever THE CRAP I WANT CAUSE I’M AN ADULT to that. 

So. 

All you really need for this is the soy sauce, sriracha sauce, brown sugar, noodles or rice cakes, butter, and peanut butter. Whisk equal parts liquids and brown sugar, add half as much PB as everything else, boil noodles or cakes, reserve half a cup of water, stir fry noodles in sauce along with a couple of thin pats of butter and water to even the sauce out and make it a bit less acrid. Stir quickly until the sauce is thickened and half-absorbed. That’s the most basic version of this and it’s awesome. Quite literally awesomesauce. It’s also cheap as hell. Everything else is a variation on a theme. Put anything in you think would taste good. This can get as fancy or as simple as you want it.

Now, let me tell you how I made it today.

Ingredients

Sauce

4 tblsp soy sauce

2-4 tblsp sriracha (2 if you don’t want it very spicy, 4 if you like it spicy)

3 tblsp brown sugar

2 heaping tblsp peanut butter

1 tsp rice wine

1 tsp sambal olek

1 tsp hoisin sauce

Dash of fish sauce

2 tblsp coconut milk

2 tblsp water

3 cloves fresh garlic

Lump of fresh ginger

Stuff to Put Sauce On

1 bag sliced Korean rice cake (substitute with 2/3 box of fettucine if you want noodles instead. IMPORTANT NOTE: noodles will absorb much more of the sauce than the rice cakes and the result will be milder in flavor. Adjust amounts accordingly…or don’t. It’s very hard to mess this up.)

4 Chicken thighs, de-boned, de-skinned, sliced thin.

Corn starch

3 bunches baby bok choy

1 box mushrooms, quartered

Any other veggies you like

3 eggs

2-3 pats butter

Cilantro, spring onion, a squeeze of lime, and sliced almonds for optional garnish

Combine all liquid sauce ingredients in large container (I use my glass cup measure) and whisk until combined. Set aside. 

Boil salted water in a large pot. Rice cakes cook VERY quickly, so be careful. While water is boiling, dredge chicken and mushrooms in a light coating of corn starch. Fry in sesame or peanut or olive oil for about 4 minutes. Add minced garlic and ginger and continue to fry, stirring frequently, until everything is crispy brown, and aromatic. 

Boil rice cakes for two to two and a half minutes, absolutely no more than three. If you’re using noodles, cook according to package instructions. 

Reserve half a cup of noodle/cake water and add the carbs and butter to the chicken. Stir briefly until coated, scraping up bits stuck to the pan. Pour in sauce—it will simmer very loudly and possibly splash. Let all ingredients calm themselves down a bit, then slowly add reserved pasta/cake water and chopped bok choy and allow the sauce to reduce and absorb until there is only about half an inch left in the pan, or it looks basically like what you’d order in a restaurant. You don’t want too much sauce, but if it’s all completely absorbed that’s no fun either. 

Serve with garnish and accept praise from your family and peers. Respond to their gratitude ONLY by saying “Charmander” over and over. THIS LAST STEP IS KEY, IT WON'T TASTE GOOD IF YOU DON'T DO IT.