November Recipe: Spiritually and Emotionally Victorious Cranberry Compote (Patreon)

What you need to know is that I spent approximately a million hours looking for this recipe.

I logged into two separate Yahoo accounts I haven’t used for years. Ten years, if Yahoo herself is to be believed, the minx. 

This recipe, another one for a weird kind of pudding-cake thing, and my coffee table, are quite literally all that remains of my first marriage. A marriage so ill-advised and lost in the mists of time most don’t even realize I had it. 

I got this KNOWLEDGE FROM THE HIDDEN BERRY TEMPLE from my in-laws, originally named “Cranberry Stuff,” ‘cause they fancy. I call it Cranberry Compote CAUSE I ACTUAL FANCY. That process of combing through old emails is one I have performed many times in the years since, because I am ALSO A DINGUS and never seem to ever write it down outside the solitary 2002 email from my mother-in-law. and I am super excited to never have to enter my old-ass married name in a search box ever again, and to bring it to you this holiday season. You don’t even have to go through a grueling emotional horrorshow to get it!

I practiced this version last night as a small batch. So in order to make more, just DOUBLE EVERYTHING. The ratios with any cranberry sauce (as opposed to jelly) are 1:1:1. 1 bag of raw cranberries to 1 cup of water to 1 cup of sugar. That’s the CORE. Everything else is adjustable to taste, just increase along that ratio depending on how many people you have to feed. This ARTISANAL LIMITED EDITION SMALL BATCH makes about two and a half cups of MOSTE EXCELLENTE BURGUNDY GOOPE. 

It is also extremely adaptable. I’ll list some alternatives, but I’ve made this just about every which way you can imagine over the years. The essential components are nuts, dried fruit, cranberries, sugar, and aromatics. SUBSTITUTE AT WILL, SOLDIER. It has a slightly savory tang to all the sweetness, which is why it will always be my favorite version of the Traditional Pile of Cranberry Something.

BUT CAT, DOES IT WOBBLE SADLY ON A PLATE WITH THE IMPRINT OF THE CAN RIDGES ON IT LIKE IT DID UPON THE TABLES OF OUR FOREFATHERS?

Get out.

Serving Cranberry Compote Realness

Ingredients

1 large yellow onion, diced (or fennel, if you happen to have a fiance who is wildly allergic to onions I don’t even know why I brought that up, so weird, who has that oh yeah it is me)

1 knob butter

1/8 cup bourbon, whiskey, or dark rum, HAVE IT YOUR WAY RIGHT AWAY AT CRANBERRY KING

1 large clove garlic, crushed

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons white vinegar

1 bag raw cranberries

1 cup cold water

1/2 cup white sugar (have another 1/4 cup on hand. Some people like a really sweet cranberry sauce, you’ll want to be able to adjust to taste)

1/2 cup dried fruit (I have used literally everything here and it’s all good except dates are a bit weird. Raisins were the original, I usually use dried blueberries or raspberries, moar cranberries is fine DOUBLE CRANBERRY ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY OH YEAH SO INTENSE, apricots also work, I bet mango would be aces, you get the idea)

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon allspice

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon ancho or chipotle chili powder (I have also used chipotle peppers in adobo sauce but that is only for those who REALLY dig their sweet/savory combo like I do and are feeling SAUCILY ADVENTUROUS. Dice two into itty bitty pieces)

Optional: 1/2 teaspoon cayenne (I basically have a giant fuck-off bottle of cayenne pepper and I put it on everything because DAMN YOUR RULES but if you don’t like a little kick in literally your pancakes or whatever you should skip this bit, it wasn’t in the original recipe obvi)

1 teaspoon dark cocoa powder

dash salt

1 teaspoon black pepper

zest of half a lemon or orange, CHOOSE THE FORM OF THE ZESTRUCTOR

1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar (if you were gonna spring for the good stuff, this is a good time. If it’s good, quality balsamic, the kind that would totally work as an ice cream topping I’VE NEVER DONE THAT WHY WOULD YOU ASK, increase to 1 tablespoon)

toasted pecan pieces (How much? Look, I accept all lifestyle choices and orientations but ME PERSONALLY I like AN INFINITE STARFIELD OF TOASTED PECANS. Not less than a full cup but honestly probably more like a cup and a half or two. Other nuts work with this, I just think pecans are the best. you can see, however, in the photo, that our house is SUFFERING A MASSIVE PECAN SHORTAGE and I had to use almonds. Almonds are fine. THEY’RE GOOD NUTS, BRENT. Walnuts are also Coolio Iglesias but rub their skins off first so they’re not bitter. Hazelnuts are a solid silver medal after pecans. I had an ex who couldn’t have tree nuts at all so I made it with pine nuts but THOSE WERE TRYING TIMES as pine nuts don’t quite have that satisfying crunch. But they work if you, too, have tree nut problems. Cashews, crushed brazil nuts, macadamias, pistachios, all fine. But even though in literally any other dish I would say pistachios are the GOAT of nuts, in this case, your humble narrator opines that pecans are the best choice. But the Constitution, for the moment, says you are free to choose.)

I Just Want to Talk about My Creative/Cranberry Process

Locate a pot that can hold all this, probably whatever you use for spaghetti sauce is fine. Melt butter over medium/medium low heat. When brown and bubbling, ad diced onion and slowly caramelize over the next 20 minutes. YOU CAN’T RUSH CARAMELIZING YOU GUYS. If you do it with the heat on too high, you’ll get burnt edges that will give a bitter flavor to the compote. You want them to slowly turn translucent and then brown as they suck up all that butter. When they are nearly there, but not quite, add the garlic. Then grab a firelighter or a book of matches, PUT YOUR HAIR BACK IN A BUN (MAN OR OTHERWISE) FOR GOD’S SAKE I’M NOT GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR RUINING YOUR HOLIDAY, pour in the booze, and light on fire. Shake pot until the flames subside. Now add the brown sugar and white vinegar and cook until you have a nice smelling brownish pile of goo going. 

Increase heat to medium/medium-high. Add cranberries. Sauté briefly in the goo, about a minute, just enough to blister the skins slightly and get everything coated. Add water, white sugar, spices, and zest. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes or until everything looks basically like cranberry sauce. Taste, adjust sugar if needed.

HOWEVER. LISTEN, LINDA, LISTEN. 

Cranberries start out bitter. They’ve really seen some shit out on the bog. The stories they could tell. But then, if you treat them nice and give them all these presents I told you about, they will sweeten up on you. But if you simmer them too long, they can go right back to singing in bars late at night with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, berating the waitstaff, and yelling at the patrons that life is a motherfucking cabaret. So this is one of those recipes where you want to taste it a LOT to make sure you haven’t crossed the line into FULL LIZA CRANBERRY. After ten minutes, if it tastes right and everything is soft but it’s a bit too runny, you should probably just add a bit of cornstarch and move on. It’ll thicken as it cools., and better to be a bit loose than angry at life.

While it simmers, toast your nuts. (INSERT CHILDISH JOKE HERE). Spread evenly on a baking sheet or a toaster oven pan and put in regular oven on 400 or a toaster oven on the medium toast setting. Check after five minutes. If not dark enough, give it another 3-5. BE CAREFUL NUTS BURN AND WHEN NUTS BURN IT IS CHEMICAL WARFAR ALSO SADNESS BECAUSE YOU CAN’T EAT THOSE.

Turn off heat. Stir in balsamic vinegar. Let cool five minutes, then stir in that beautiful toasted nut footage. 

Serve hot or cold, I don’t judge, and neither does the compote. We both just want you to be happy. 

Also makes literally the greatest day-after-feast sandwich spread.

And look, I guess if you need those goddamned ridges to sleep at night, add some gelatin to this thing, pour it into a clean can formerly known as coconut milk or stewed tomatoes or whatever, and chill it in the fridge until your soul can be at peace with the appearance of your cranberries.