The greediest of them all? Entrant 7: Lauren Miller & Sarah Lytton (Part 1 of 2) (Patreon)

BFFs since kindergarten, Lauren Miller and Sarah Lytton were always effortlessly the prettiest and most popular girls in school. Inevitably, the compliments and attention went to their heads, and by eighteen the pair had "matured" into the ultimate middle-class mean girls, boozing and partying recklessly at the weekends, and strutting the corridors of their sixth form college with a swish of silkily coiffed hair and a plump bobble of their tightly encased bottoms.

Indeed, watching Lauren change for netball, a few of her more bitter victims might have whispered that the pompous Queen Bee's bottom was perhaps starting to bobble a touch too plumply, or that the way Sarah's middle pooched squishily over the waistband of her shorts when she jumped for a shot suggested she'd been partying a little more than was good for her.

But this was the early noughties - a time when the soft and even vaguely podgy figures of Holly Valance and Rachel Stevens dominated the lists of FHM's sexiest women. Years before Jamie Oliver de-stodgified stodgy school dinners and Joe Wicks made exercise fashionable. Like many young women of their era, Lauren and Sarah were out of shape without realising it, thanks to a carb-rich diet and too much boozing. The netball team Lauren captained was really just another clique, more concerned with the after-match pub crawl than the game itself; and though Sarah took up tennis, developing a skirt-fluttering forehand that caused at least one male teacher to have a seizure, she wasn't about to ruin her perfect blonde image by grunting and sweating her way around the court.

No, for Lauren and Sarah, the only sport that really mattered was pulling boys, and the grunting and sweating was reserved for the bedroom - usually with one of the star rugby players (and, at least in Lauren's case, sometimes more than one). It was in this arena that the two popular party girls, long disinterested in athletic and academic achievements, finally started to demonstrate real drive and natural ability.

It also led to a rivalry that put the first cracks in their friendship.

For though they were both highly sought after, it soon became clear that it was Lauren, with her mix of laddish brashness and sultry beauty, who had somehow established herself as the single hottest girl in college. An accolade that Sarah, conditioned by years of simpering flattery of her glorious blonde hair and bright blue eyes, felt should rightly be hers.

But while Sarah certainly had the looks, it was Lauren who had the look. A slight lingering of the eyes that made men felt like she had undressed them and very much liked with what she saw, followed up by heated glances that seemed to hint at all sorts of forbidden delights.

Envious and desperate for validation, Sarah took drastic action. She entered a beauty pageant and embarked on a crash diet and three months of boot camps, in an effort that culminated in her being crowned Miss Cheshire. Yet though Sarah was recognised and even whispered about in bars and clubs, somehow podgy out-of-condition Lauren still seemed to have the edge with the boys!

To Sarah's growing bitterness, the trend continued at university. As with school, the pair quickly and effortlessly established themselves as the coolest and hottest girls on campus. Yet once again it was Lauren who seemed to inspire in men the rush and roar of fire. Hers was the body male students could be overheard leering and fantasising about. And it seemed to poor Sarah that every time she smiled and batted her perfect lashes at the best looking boy in the bar, Lauren would swoop in and catch his eye, shifting all attention onto herself, and forcing Sarah to settle for the wingman.

Most infuriatingly of all, there was nothing Sarah could do. To confront her best friend directly would amount to conceding defeat - admitting that Lauren was better looking, which would only make her even more smug and insufferable. With no outlet for her growing bitterness, Sarah became prissier and more aloof, acting as if she was too good for the boys who preferred Lauren anyway, and she started to drink heavily.

And of course, the thing about drinking is that sooner or later everything comes out.

To be continued...

Interim gluttony ratings

Lauren (aged 18): 🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
Sarah (aged 18):   🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰