Bimbomancer (Patreon)

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The exquisite enchanted music box on the bedside table emitted a pleasant melody, telling him it was morning and time to get up. When he opened his eyes, he stretched and lay in bed for a few minutes, looking up at the high, snow-white ceiling. He didn't feel like getting up. He didn't want to do anything. Just to close his eyes to stay lying under the soft blanket in his cozy bedroom, furnished with good furniture made by masters in the elven style. I wanted to. But who cares what we want? As if to confirm his thoughts, there was a knock on the massive bedroom door. Sighing tiredly, he raised his hand with a massive gold ring adorned with a large ruby, unlocking the enchanted locks. Then, reluctantly, he climbed out of bed, threw on a terry Alishan robe, and headed for the restroom to clean himself up.

At the same moment, a trio of maids dressed in black and white floor-length dresses entered the bedroom. All three were slender and tall, with clean, handsome faces and neatly combed hair. They looked like sisters. One of them began to draw the curtains, the second began to make the bed, and the third began to prepare new clean clothes. When he had washed, freshened up, and felt a little more awake, he returned to the bedroom, threw off his robe, and began to dress in the prepared clothes. The maids paid no attention to their master's nakedness, busy with their affairs.

Five minutes later, dressed in a good suit tailored to the latest imperial fashions, he went down to the dining room on the first floor of his manor. Two more maids, equally slender, pretty, and well-groomed, were waiting for him there. The table was set and prepared, and the food on it cost more than a small village of peasants could earn in a year. Three kinds of cheeses from a famous clan of halfling cheesemakers, a pot of excellent honey from their apiary, a plate of fresh fruit from the Alishan oases, and a few slices of juicy redfish from Seinberg. It was the sort of thing a king or a duke would not be ashamed to feed. He sat down in his seat and carefully picked up a piece of cheese with his fork, dipped it in honey, and put it in his mouth. The maids stood at his side, ready to fulfill any wish of their lord. But the man, paying no attention to them, chewed his breakfast slowly and thoughtfully, looking nowhere in front of him. He took only one sip of green tea brewed in a real elven set and got up from the table without touching the food.

He left the dining room and headed for his office on the second floor of the manor. A tall woman, dressed in a closed dress of dark green fabric that emphasized her slim waist and high breasts, was waiting for him at a pair of massive tall doors, shrouded in metal plates covered with protective runic script. Her long blonde hair was gathered into a neat, high hairstyle that did not hide her slightly pointed ears. In her hands, she held several sealed tubes. At the sight of him, she performed a small welcoming bow. Nodding to his assistant, he touched a small metal plate on the door with his ringed palm. The magical protection came to life, recognized the master of the office, and then the doors slowly, but without a single creak, opened. As he stepped inside the large, windowless square room, he stopped in the middle and looked at his desk for a few seconds. Or rather, the papers and scrolls on it. Especially the stack on the right edge, which was the largest.

"Master?"

His assistant's voice brought him out of his musings, and he waved her away carelessly. Locking the door to his office, he began to walk around it slowly, activating the magical protection of the room, which would be the envy of the secret guards of another kingdom, and bringing it to the maximum level. Of course, his office was always protected, but when he was working, he switched all the systems from passive to active mode, even if it was not cheap, requiring regular replacement of storage devices or their recharging. The only thing worth it was one complex artifact of legendary grade, literally "locking" in itself all the information about what was happening in this room and "utilizing" it afterward. A very expensive and very troublesome artifact to maintain. But it was an excellent defense against all kinds of seers, prophets, and fortune-tellers.

After making sure all defenses were set to maximum, he sat down in a comfortable chair behind a large desk. His assistant carefully sat down on her seat on the left edge of the desk, trying not to remember the expensive dress. Then she looked at him questioningly. He looked at the papers and scrolls on the table for a few seconds without saying a word. Finally, he shook his head and, turning to his assistant, said:

"Let's start from routine."

"As you wish, Master."

Nodding, she carefully handed him one of the sealed tubes.

Sixth Group report on the Amber order. It was delivered tonight by the standard protocol. Checked according to standard protocol, and no threat was detected.

"Very well, let's have a look."

He put on the specially enchanted silver-rimmed crystal glasses, checked the sealed box once more with two scanning amulets, one handheld and one mounted in the desk, made sure it was not a threat, and then opened it carefully. Inside was a scroll, written in sprawling and not-so-clean handwriting. Let's see what the Sixth had discovered...

Many of those who know about the fact of the existence of the organization in which he was a member but are not aware of the details of their activities, for some reason, are sure that his and his colleagues' work - is a lot of secret and cleverly planned operations. Of course, not without that. But no matter how strange it sounds, most of absolutely any order, or at least half of it, was, who would have thought, routine. Sometimes quite boring, often complicated, but it was routine. Concluded in a thorough "evaluation " of the forthcoming order, no matter who and who ordered. Always. No matter how easy the order seems or how important the customer is. "Evaluation" should always be, and it should be qualitative and as detailed as possible. And not just to make it easier for those who will fulfill the order to work. His mentor and predecessor had once demonstrated to him very clearly what an incorrect "evaluation" could lead to because their organization had existed a long time ago, and its archives were the envy of even the Eternal Library.

The only thing worth mentioning was a case that had happened long before he was born, when an impeccably worked order, which had all chances to enter the archives as a "golden" order, turned out to be a complete failure that almost turned into a natural disaster. A regular and very influential client had ordered a young and very talented sorceress for his son and potential heir, who, despite her relative youth, had learned Flame at a very impressive level. She was "evaluated." They announced the cost of the treatment to the client. They received confirmation and a hundred percent prepayment. They worked flawlessly, so none of her family and patrons suspect anything strange in her desire to take a little break from active practice for relaxation. Especially since the girl was trying hard, naturally tearing her veins, moving to the cherished twenty-fifth step and the second class. When the relatives caught up, it was too late, and completely worked out enchantress ran away with her new "lover" and girlfriend to the new master, who was waiting for her with impatience.

He did. At the moment of the final delivery of the order, the sorceress, who was completely obedient and absolutely accurate, proceeded without a single hitch, suddenly hitting the brains of all those present with a psionic wave with such force that no one could stand on their feet. Then, in a matter of moments, she cerebromorphized into a bloody Ilithid. She managed to burn out the brains of almost everyone unlucky enough to be near her at that moment before she was destroyed. And she managed to partially eat the brains of some of them, including the failed owner. Is it, needless to say, the client was very unhappy, considering all this a specially planned assassination attempt? The worst thing was that despite a really thorough investigation, it was not possible to find out where, how and at what point the sorceress got a larva of the damn brain-eaters in her head. It was not possible to find out how such a rapid cerebromorphosis was possible. There was also no chance to find out which of the hive cities of the brain-eaters had organized all this and why. In the end, the investigators concluded that she was already infected at the time of the treatment. And were even able to convince the client, who changed his anger into mercy. However, the next two orders had to be fulfilled for him with a very substantial discount. And the enchantresses involved in the processing were reprimanded, with write-ups in their chests and skulls. There were other such cases in the history of their organization. But, to be fair, they were very few, literally on the fingers of one hand to count. And all of them belonged more to the category of exceptions and force majeure.

And to keep it that way, he has been in his current position for over hundred and fifty years, replacing his predecessor and mentor, who has retired. Under his direct command and supervision are the Connoisseurs. These are not very large groups of agents, but all of their members are carefully selected individually as professionals. Well-equipped and motivated. Their job was to "Evaluate" the commissioned property. "Evaluation" included a comprehensive and as detailed as possible collection of information designed to facilitate the work of the direct executors of the order and allow them to choose the best scheme of work. Moreover, nine of his eleven teams of "Connoisseurs" were able to "evaluate" the order up to and including the second category of complexity, which is considered the pinnacle of excellence in their organization. Objects of the first complexity - it is a separate topic. There is always individual work, for which if and take, then only the best of the best. And their orders are strictly individual, and sometimes a dozen years ahead are scheduled. Yes, he was rightly proud of their "evaluations" of the second category. Even if two orders were never finalized, this is also not an obvious part of their work.

As he'd long ago learned, anyone really can be ordered around. A monarch? A real Hero or Heroine? A spokeswoman or representative of the highest church hierarchy? Anything is possible. In the archives of their organization were successful examples of orders of this level. But there is one nuance. Anyone can be ordered, but not anyone can be paid. After the evaluations, when the client is told how much it will cost to process the selected object, some orders are always canceled. And sometimes, it is not only banal gold. Although, it is also in it. There are many other factors. Lack of necessary consumables, like pollen of one very rare flower that so perfectly increases the sensitivity of erogenous zones, dulls cognitive functions of the brain and is practically undetectable by most methods. But it blooms once in half a century, and to grow it in greenhouse conditions, you need a separate team of specialists providing the necessary conditions for growth and flowering. And which works in sweat, but more than five flowers per cycle to grow just physically unable. Or, for example, the necessary artifact to bypass the most powerful stationary protection is undergoing routine maintenance by specialists and will be ready to work only in two years. And there are already five requests for it. So, not sooner than in six years. Of course, not everyone agrees to wait that long. Or to spend the amount of money. But, and he was absolutely sure of this, it was better to lose the order than to "underestimate" the object. And his colleagues and subordinates were in complete solidarity with him. Therefore, he read the report of the Sixth Group, broken down point by point, very carefully.

Amber's initial "Evaluation" under the standard scheme has been performed successfully.

Amber's psychotype is "evaluated" as 7E. Taking into account his classes and level, we recommend scheme №4E as the most optimal.

Amber's home defense is " evaluated" as stationary, type 6A with elements of type 3A. There is a high probability of Type 4A. Additional "evaluation" is required to confirm or deny the latter. Scheme №8A is recommended.

Amber's personal defense is " evaluated" as type 2B. There are elements of type 4B and 5B. Type 7B elements may be present. Additional "evaluation" is required for confirmation. Recommended scheme №12B.

The connection of Amber with the object of category 2M is confirmed. The degree of patronage of Amber by the object is assessed as high. We recommend to "evaluate" the possibility of applying scheme №14M.

An "evaluation" of Amber's environment was performed. Two objects of DR2 type, four objects of KN2 type, and one object of KV1 type were identified. There is a high probability of successful application of scheme №6G and scheme №8G. The possibility of applying scheme №11G is unlikely and will require additional "evaluation."

Conducting additional " evaluations" to develop the best possible course of action would require a budget increase of one and a half times and the provision of a specialty set. №4 of 3rd category.

Putting the report aside, he drummed his fingers thoughtfully on the table for a few minutes, pondering what he had read. Then he turned to his assistant and dictated slowly:

"Initial 'evaluation' of Amber has taken place. The order is "evaluated" as a standard, the fourth category of complexity. Additional 'evaluation' before processing is strongly recommended."

The assistant nodded briefly, quickly put the appropriate resolution on the report, and then put the scroll in the tube and sealed it. In the evening, it would be sent to the colleagues in charge of customer relations, and they would present the information gathered by the Sixth Group directly to the customer. And then he will make the final decision. In any case, it does not concern him, he has done his job. Having finished with the order Amber, he began the next....

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By lunchtime, all the few currents had been completely sorted out. But he didn't want to take on the work. To postpone this moment he even had lunch outside the office, which he didn't usually do. It didn't help; he had no appetite. He returned home in a very gloomy mood. When the office's defenses were again set to maximum, he sat in his chair and stared at the stack of documents and scrolls on the right edge of his desk. It seems they say in the Empire of Arms that any crisis is not only a danger but also an opportunity. Anyone who would say that phrase now in his presence would have his head bashed in with something heavy. Not by himself, of course. There are specially trained people for that. A crisis is not an opportunity. A crisis is when a hundred and fifty years of hard work goes to hell overnight. Literally, in the truest sense of the word.

In their organization, he was the one in charge of the Empire of Ages. It was his territory of work. And, of course, most of his attention was always focused on the capital, which was logical. That's where the main clients were and where the main orders were placed. Several teams of his Connoisseurs were always there as well. At least one duty team was always in Eternal in case of an emergency order. On that damned day when the city had fallen, seven of his eleven teams had been there. Seven teams of professionals, hand-grown, hand-selected, and trained! And Eternal was also home to a whole network of informant agents, used in the dark and not even knowing who they were really working for. There were several carefully equipped shelters, a couple of full-fledged field bases, caches, and lodges for emergencies. A whole host of top-notch specialists who provided his Connoisseurs with everything they needed to do their jobs. Including the things you can't just buy. It was all there. Now, all of that is essentially gone.

One hundred and fifty years of work. Most of his life. It all came crashing down in one day. An opportunity? What the hell kind of opportunity?! Yeah, he's still got four teams of Connoisseurs. He's got agents and contacts and bases outside the capital. But more than half of his assets, in one way or another, were in the Eternal. The news of the Fall of the City came as a shock and a blow to him far more than to his colleagues. But he had received a second blow, far worse, from them two days ago. And he has a pretty good idea who pushed through the decision against all his arguments and reasoning. Nothing helped. The decision was made by a majority, and it cannot be appealed or overturned. With all those who were in the Eternal at the time of the Fall, it was decided to proceed according to the scheme #66P. That is to consider them all a priori compromised and to be cleaned up.

It's happened before. Only a couple of times on this scale, but there were precedents. The actions to be taken in such situations were clearly spelled out. Reaching out, he took one of the scrolls from the pile. The third group of "Connoisseurs." The leader's personal file. A detailed description of the 'evaluations' performed, with level, classes, characteristics, and titles. For a few seconds, he read the dry lines, behind which were decades of his life and a huge amount of labor that had died in one day. Then, almost without trembling hand, wrote a short phrase. №66П. In execution. Signature. Seal. Next scroll.

Just to confirm the execution of the decision made by the management, that's all he had to do. Then, hand over personnel files and all available information to colleagues in another department of their organization. The ones who handle emergency cleanup. Not fair. Not fair! The second and ninth groups survived completely, managing to hunker down in shelters that much was already known for sure! Almost all of the tenth and at least half of the fourth survived, too! They can all be tested. Quarantine them. Examine them. If they are indeed compromised, there's no question. But why destroy valuable specialists without even testing them?! The answer is obvious. No, it's not guild security, although that's what it sounds like. Just someone really wants to take his place. If not to take his place, then at least, move him to the background. And he knows exactly who. That makes it even worse.

Because there's nothing that can be done. Everyone is watching the situation in Eternal very closely right now. And any attempt by him to cover for one of his own will cost him, if not his life, then at least an honorable resignation. Damn, hellspawn! What the hell were the late Emperor's Eyes looking at?! They have time to interfere with his work, but it's too hard for them to uncover a fucking cult that managed to kidnap an entire city. Idiots! A hundred and fifty years of work! All right, all right. Take it easy. All is not lost. He's still got the Connoisseurs. That's enough to keep him going, even if he has to reduce the number of orders he takes. And of course, he'll have to increase his expenses, but he'll be fine. Again, the work with personnel never stands still. There are candidates, and from them, it will be possible to form a new group in a couple of years. Well, in five years, for sure. In such a case, as the selection of Connoisseurs should not be a rush. But in any case, he would have to restore what he had lost for the next forty years, that's for sure. And that's if he's very lucky...

"Master?"

He was brought out of his bitter thoughts by the voice of his assistant. She handed him a small envelope.

"Just delivered. On a special arrangement."

Is that so?

He took the envelope in his hand and checked it for threats, then opened it and took out a small piece of paper, written in painstaking handwriting on one side and calligraphic miniature on the other. After reading it carefully and examining it through his spectacles, he dropped it into a small stone bowl built into the table, where it immediately burst into flame, burning without ashes. Then he leaned back in his chair and said thoughtfully:

"That's interesting... Amalia?"

"Yes, Master?"

"Cancel all my plans for the day after tomorrow. And get everything ready for the welcome party. Top-notch."

"As you wish, Master."

* * *

Avada Kadavra: Well, it happened - the omake about the Guild was written before it even appeared in the text, just brilliant.

Omak is awesome. He's just awesome, especially in that it has no lemon, just a harsh bureaucratic routine. Top-notch, that is, as always with Brinar, let's say another hurrah for him.

The canonization of the omake is possible since nothing so contradictory to the lore was flashed, but some accents in the text should still be shifted and revealed. At first, I was going to PM spoilers to Brinar, but on second thought, let the Guild be revealed, at least here, in a separate comment rather than not revealed at all.

So.

The first and most important, obvious, in fact, question. Why does the Guild of Bimbomancers even exist in its pure and independent form, not crushed by the state machine and not under the heel of some hegemon? Why it has not been ganked despite the ardent desire of a huge number of people of human and non-human nature?

The answer has already been given, but now I will reveal it a little more comprehensively.

The creator and first chairman of the Guild, the same HK, very, very, !!!!VERY VERY!!! well took care that his brainchild did not break those to whom it is like an eyesore and those who themselves would like to occupy the field and banal squeeze a profitable business.

And he pulled it off in his trademark style - fucking reality itself, once again, no surprise there.

Whether HK fucked Fortune herself or something else, the Guild adherents are lucky, and the higher he is in rank, the more assertive, the luckier he is, and the more reality itself protects him from possible trouble. Bimbomancer from the Guild always has a chance of success, even if the minimum possible. The guards will miss, successfully find a hole in the protective circuit, get at the disposal of a rumor about where the reagents are extracted, from which they make bath salts in the target's house, and so on.

Second, when a cutter tries to cut a guilder into belts in a simple and uncomplicated way, the cutters are anecdotally unlucky. If there's a chance somewhere of screwing up in execution, that chance will come true not one hundred out of a hundred, but one thousand one hundred out of the same hundred. At the same time, the world builds probabilities so the Bimbomancers at once immediately roll crits not only to escape but also the opportunity to "process" those who came for his head.

In short, orders for them are taken very reluctantly, and those who are able to fulfill the order and are not afraid of the Guild's revenge... it's a lot cheaper to understand and forgive the Guild than it is to hire them. In history, there were three cases documented by the Guild itself (I even planned to describe these stories somehow) when the elimination of a high-ranking guildmaster or a whole team tried to contract, fucking Weaver (but that is a real extreme case, usually all the same simpler persons involved).

He ate one group of parliamentarians (they were very persistent), one listened and let them go (they were very paranoid, and the mythical contract amulet of a single action, which does not allow you to kill in negotiations, was used) and another attempt to hire them he accepted.... and afterward returned the deposit, considering it worthless. There was a very colorful lady in there.

To put it crudely, if to cover someone from this fraternity, then exactly as in omak - so that there was simply nowhere to run so that planar presses so even the warp of higher-order reality squeezes through so that a piece of the world so pulled away from that world that hacking reality "here and in this world" began to fail. And that's enough only for such "Connoisseurs" (a very apt name, yes).

Connoisseurs are actually the bottom layer of the Guild, literally office plankton, regularly rotated. And yes, the Middle Tier Manager described in the omake is not a big shot either, but just above the bottom of the organization.

"Golden" teams or even singles capable of replacing these teams, if they were in Eternal, they did not suffer much, although they shat themselves badly. That is, the evaluation is really carried out (here they hit the target perfectly), and even the maestros of the maestros used and use the services of teams of the hero omak, but they are generally birds of another kind.

There are other "distorted laws" of the King concerning the Guild. For example, it's impossible to infiltrate the Guild if you don't share their worldview sincerely. Or rather, you can, but it's just entertainment for the guild members - they constantly keep a couple or three of such naive spies, cheerfully and merrily testing new methods on them or just having fun.

Or, say, they have a very special relationship with crafting and creating a powder to grow boobs and fade intelligence is given to them.... no, it's not that easy. It's just that their kraft, even with relatively simple reagents, is very hard to detect. The grade is higher.

But.

There is a payment.

Bimbofication can't in a power grab. To process a whole city to hundreds of different strains and types of final bimbofication with a bunch of applied techniques and approaches? Yes, they'll have to work up a sweat, but some Arenam they can process and even, sometimes, hold such contests. In the most extreme cases, they will create this city in general. They say that it's an ordinary village, but they found a couple of veins nearby, let the veins be developed, brought in workers, their families, servants, and just visitors, a few aristocratic families, trade guilds, etc. And then get to work.

And they cannot seize power - they will fail a prior. If they want, for example, to become a shadow behind the throne. There are exceptions - when they plan to bimbofy some kingdom (small) but also will act strictly until the completion of the work, and then everything is the same.

It's been a very long time since the Guild has done such projects, but they have created several kingdoms/duchies with their embassies, courts, and societies, encapsulated by the method of the very elven country that HK corrupted.

Of the things that don't match up in the omak, there isn't much. It doesn't interfere with canonization. I will just clarify certain points so that they are in line with the canon.

1. They don't like to kill their own, just like elves (but don't even think about saying that to either of them). Even if it's about the grassroots, they will try not to kill them... but to process them and then either let them go or sell them (they know how to clean them from the fleur). So liquidation orders most likely do not imply physical elimination, no.

Oh.

Another of the "warped laws." The bimbos/himbo/sluts etc. they make also have a kind of success. They always find the possibility to settle down well in life, finding someone to suck, where to spread their legs, and so on. Even if the "processing" was at the level of "whore for the token in a cheap brothel," then in that brothel will always be warm and dry, will not catch diseases, will not be killed, stabbed, or put on drugs and in general fall to the level of homeless trash is not threatened. Victims are always beautiful, desirable, and completely satisfied with their existence (in another sense, they are also satisfied, but usually they are always not enough).

2. It's considered good manners to use your talents for yourself too. So the chaste morning of the omak hero is a testament to the horrendous time crunch, when even to fuck their girls do not have time and energy. The guys (and girls) are usually perfectly fine with potency.

3. A large percentage of the Guild's "golden" stock of real masters live a relatively modest life - they are so integral to their defense that they don't need such tricks and paranoia. They are much more threatened by their colleagues than by evil vigilantes/clients.

4. Actually, because of the above - that story with illithid really out of the ordinary, right on the level of some mysticism. Most likely, it was the intrigue of the Hive of the very most, who packed their pawn so packed in shields that they covered, including unintentionally, even from the Guild's buffs.

That's kind of it, that's the main thing.

Hooray for Brinar, inspiration to him.

I can't make any promises, but I'm slowly coming around. I'll be back at the keyboard in a couple of weeks.

I wish this entire Organization to meet Kostik.

I wish this entire Kostik meets the Organization.

Avada Kadavra: You'll laugh, but the original Tin character, if he met women right away, then went out into the world, not trolling Spectre and orcs, could well get a job with them. Or he could have organized a corporate raid. His worldview would have allowed it because the Guild's ideology wouldn't have changed. Even the lack of specific classes wouldn't hurt - Dream would help to replace and compensate.

That's it.

But no.