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PSR #5 - CS: Love Me for Me (Patreon)

Published:
2017-02-15 04:19:54
Edited:
2017-08-31 19:43:06
Imported:
2024-07
Tags:

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Content

 A little later than I intended, but still before the night ended. So I’ll call it a win.

This took on a life of its own over the weekend and much of today was making cuts as I tried to get this down to size. That said, I still feel like I’m a little off from the point I wanted to hit with this. Like, I had a vision for this story and this is close, but I feel like I do not quite have the practice to pull the full power out of this premise. I would really like to hear what you all think of this one as this is part of me trying to prove transformation themes are more than just a vehicle for absurd sexy times.

I plan to write more about Avia and Naomi, so feedback about them makes it easier for me to get back to them (this is true for any characters really). Knowing what you like (or hate) about a character, story, or setting means I have a target to hit on the next time. If you do nothing else for me, send me feedback.

Anyway, enjoy!

Contains: Lesbian pairing, shrinking, mini-gts, interracial couple, no sex, developing relationship, super hero antics, flesh to stone transformation
Word Count: 4952

Comments

William McDuff

Did you forget to attach the story? :)

William McDuff

I read the story on Tumblr. Since you're looking for thoughts... The scene under the table doesn't say where she's pulling the stone from; given her ability and transforming is a large part of the rest of the story, I felt the lack of it. (My no-prize submission: it's a luxurious marble floor.) The transformation there, especially because it's a different transformation, is not really fleshed out. I noticed that the initial request was more of a preface; you had a different story to tell, I suppose, which happens. I don't actually think that's a bad thing, though. I'm not sure how necessary that scene is to the story you ended up telling, though. I think either you'd need another scene of the guy giving Avia attention that doesn't satisfy her needs as a person, or to cut the scene and start with the airport, as that does a good job of explaining her inner conflict as well. For “I think it went well. I mean, everyone thinks you’re a teen hero since you were so awkward, but aside from that…” It seems like the line could have been cut; the following line works well without Naomi's interjection there. There's no reaction to Naomi's compliment, either, which might flesh out Avia's growing attraction to Naomi. I think it's mostly time pressure problems. There's some interesting characters here, and the conflicts are interesting, but it might be better with another editing pass, but you ran into the set deadline. Heck, there's a neat setting here too, potentially, but you don't really have room to show it off, so we just get hints of it. I'll have to give it another go through when I don't have to get up in 6½. Generally, the core stone is good here, but needs some more polishing, which I think you feel is the case. Also, it's late enough that I'm amused at how dirty 'polishing the stone' sounds given the character of Avia, but eh... :)