Baby Reindeer 1x4 “Episode 4” FULL REACTION (Patreon)

My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced sexual assault. I recently learned about something called Child on Child Sexual Assault (COCSA) and realized that it technically happened to me as a child. When I was around 6 or 7 yrs old a girl my age would take my hand and make me rub her crotch while our class was in the library for story time. I didn’t understand what was happening, but she seemed like she knew exactly what she was doing and I didn’t realize until I was much older that she knew what to do because someone was probably doing it to her. Probably someone much older. And that breaks my heart that she had to go through that. She would perform this sexual act on me a few times and it was always in secret of course. It felt wrong and dirty but part of me liked the attention too which can be confusing. I didn’t like what we were doing but I liked that somebody liked me. Somebody had chosen me.

She eventually moved away and I never gave her a second thought until I saw her again years later at a water park when I was around 12 or 13. She asked me if I remembered her. I froze similar to the way that Donny did when Martha groped him. All the memories of her making her touch her came back and I felt ashamed which is something I’ve never understood about sexual assault, molestation, etc. Why do survivors feel ashamed as if they’ve done something wrong but I guess it’s because they feel like Donny did in this episode when he said he wonders if it’s something he’s giving off that makes people think they can do things to him or treat him badly.

My situation is obviously nowhere near Donny’s or as serious as many other people’s situation and I never really wanted to see it as assault but I thought about if it was the opposite: if a boy had made a girl touch his crotch repeatedly. Or if it was my child who was being touched by another child. I would be furious. Many might see it as kids exploring or being curious but I had no concept of sex at that age and no child should.

I may not understand all of Donny’s choices in this episode but I can empathize with the confusion he felt. I also understand the urge to put yourself in dangerous sexual situations as I’ve done that many times over the years. That seems typical of most gay men I know though so it’s not necessarily surprising. I don’t really have friends anymore for various reasons, but when I did the ones I had had all told me they had been sexually assaulted at some point and so has my sister. It’s a messed up world.

I would say that I hope no one ever has to go through SA but I know that there will always be bad people out there so I’ll just say if you have been through it I hope you are surrounded by those who love and support you.

Streamable LINK:https://streamable.com/2z78ky

Google Drive LINK:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1m5AkO5o_cKWiTos1fX5mfgGaz9jqn2f-/view?usp=drivesdk