65. Growing Pains (Patreon)

Ikfael’s response to my story was unexpected--that is to say, she didn’t have much of one. All she did was to glance sideways at me, her expression reminiscent of my daughter Alex when she was teen--a mixture of “why are you so weird”, “how do you get into these situations”, and “I told you so”. 

I thought she’d react more. After all, Ikfael was wary of the uekisheile when I first brought them home. She kept her distance for four-five days before eventually deciding that they weren’t planning to take over the glen. Now, she looked at me like an idiot for being worried.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Ikfael signed. “Why else let that thing into you and let it stay?”

The flicker of her paws at the end was the same signal of uncertainty that the hunters used. That and the way she tilted her head told me--she was genuinely confused.

“I wasn’t willing at first,” I said, explaining. “They were intending to eat me.”

“So what changed?”

“The uekisheile became curious about me and my experience of life that was so different from theirs. Then, when I shared some stories with them, I felt them respond--” I thought back to those moments in the cave, just after killing the chliapp lion. “There was a purity to their regard. I was worried but had a feeling we’d be okay.”

“And their regard changed?”

“No,” I said. Even now, I could sense the uekisheile’s protective care of me and my third family.

Ikfael clicked her tongue. “So what’s the problem?”

“I don’t want to lose myself,” I said. “In the other world, I had to work a long time to find myself, and I’m not willing to give that up.”

Sherwood, Oregon had done its damnedest to erase all the things that made a young Mexican boy different. And I went along with it, desperate as I was to fit in. All the uncomfortable bits were sanded down until I could smoothly fit into the hole assigned to me. Except, I never truly did fit in, not for a long, long time. And even then, I still had people mistake me for the help.

Ironically, it was my kids--Alex and Daniel--who pushed me to recover my heritage. They were curious about Mexico and Mexican culture, and answering their questions triggered questions of my own.

I sighed as the baggage I’d been carrying shifted. It was accompanied by a sinking feeling in my belly as I realized that I’d panicked and overreacted.

The experience of joining with the uekisheile had been disconcerting, especially in the aftermath of dreaming of the Deer God, but there hadn’t been any lasting damage. I was still myself with nary a pod person in sight. Even now, the uekisheile was wrapped up in a ball and making every effort to be as non-threatening as possible.

I hated making mistakes, and I’d made a mistake for sure. Fear was the mind-killer after all, and I let it get the best of me--a rookie mistake. Sure, I had legitimate concerns, but I could have handled them better.

Ikfael waved me over to the pool. “Let me show you something.”

She dived in and swam back up to the surface. Then, once she was sure I was watching, she sank herself into the water and disappeared. Like watching a real-life dissolve, over the space of a second or two, she faded away until she was gone.

I knew she had the One with Water and Stone Talent, but I thought it was meant metaphorically.

Moments later, Ikfael faded back into view and surfaced with a deft twist of her body. “You saw?”

“That was amazing. How did you do it?” I asked.

“I am the spirit of this place. Of course, I can--” Ikfael shook her head. “No, wait, that’s not important. What’s important is that I became one with the water, and then I was myself again. Nothing was lost. I only gained; experiencing what water experiences. And the water gained too; experiencing what a spirit experiences. Do you understand? If both parties are respectful, if they take only what is offered and exchange equal value, then where is the harm?”

“But it was uncomfortable. I was afraid of losing myself,” I said.

“Are you so easily lost? If so, then you should sit in the cave and stay there. Give me fish, and I will protect you.” She quirked her head, watching my reaction. “Yes, I thought so--this trade doesn’t sit well with you. You hate it.”

“Sure, I hate it. That’s no way to live.”

“The river brings many different things,” Ikfael said. “The river also takes them away. Leaves, branches, insects, birds, animals--they come and they go; each changing this glen with their presence. Often, that change is fleeting, as quick as a stick tumbling down the waterfall and floating downstream. More rarely, the change is permanent, like the flint flakes made by a boy obsessed with making tools.”

Ikfael gestured around the glen towards where the green things were growing back after the bishkawi troop trashed the place. “For all that happens, the glen is the glen. What is change? What is permanence? They are water and stone, but both are illusions. What’s real is the spirit that inhabits them, moves them, and flows between them.”

“That’s deep,” I said.

“I have been Ikfael Glen for hundreds of years,” Ikfael signed. “Also, this lesson cost you another dozen donuts.”

My smile was wan, but it was a smile none-the-less. “Sure. I have enough sugar for another batch.”

She rubbed her paws in anticipation. “Good, good. I have an idea.”

“Oh? What is it?”

Ikfael shook her head. “It is not my place to say, but, if you’re lucky, it will be a good thing.”

“Then I’ll look forward to it,” I said.

“Yes, do. It won’t be long--we just have to wait for the solstice--but I will need donuts to make it happen.”

###

I left Ikfael to her own devices, which, as near I could tell, was a beauty contest for the finished donuts. She lined them up in a row and carefully examined each to look for the most perfect one.

Shaking my head at her antics, I sat in the shade to rest and think, and found the uekisheile waiting for me. They’d unfurled part of themselves, looking all the world like a partially popped corn kernel. Or maybe a hermit crab--filaments of qi spread from their center to sway in the currents of my heart dantian.

Tentative, anxious, discomforted--I gave their feelings my closest attention. I think I scared you.

We do not wish to be alone again.

My surprise rippled through the sea of qi. The uekisheile’s thoughts were much more distinct than before. They didn’t quite rise to the level of language, but it was close enough for my mind to leap to a translation.

We are always learning. This is our joy. One of our joys. Like Ollie/Eight and Billisha and Aluali. But we do not know what to do when our joys conflict.

Underneath the thoughts was a struggle. The uekisheile were trying to come to terms with feelings they’d never experienced before--regret and… guilt? Self recrimination?

Hold on, I thought. Just hold on. I reacted badly when we merged as one. I was unnerved, when really I should’ve just talked to you about it. The thing is…I have to know that it’s not a permanent thing, because I don’t want to lose myself. But I also don’t want to lose you either.

Ollie/Eight doesn’t? They don’t fear us?

The uekishiel was confused. They could feel the fear thrumming through my meridians; not loudly, but present like electricity in a wire. It wouldn’t shock unless something plugged into it.

Merging scared me, true, but I don’t want to be a man held captive by the things that’ve happened before. There are stories I can tell that will help you understand.

Will Ollie/Eight share them with us now? If we join, we will be able to see and hear and experience the stories directly.

I gulped, and the electricity in the wire buzzed. I have a question first.

Ollie/Eight is worried about permanence.

Yes, as I said, I don’t want to lose myself.

But we will gain so much, the uekisheile thought. We will become smarter and stronger and wiser. We want these things.

And so do I, but not at the expense of what makes me me and what makes you you. There’s value in each of us having our own identities--our own observations, strengths, and weaknesses--that we can then share with each other. There’s as much power in difference as there is in unity. We just have to recognize it and work together to make use of it.

We don’t understand. Will you join with us, so that we can? We promise no permanence. We understand the importance of promises.

I suppose you would, hanging around with me. I licked my lips and quieted the buzzing fear running through me. Okay, I believe in your promise. Let’s do it.

We must become one--

--with the land, we thought.

We spun our qi through the shimmering loops and whirls of Dog’s Agility; accelerating the physical and mental bodies’ patterns. All around us, the glen pressed in on our senses. We felt Ifael Glen’s gaze on our skin like water on stone. We understood that this is what it was like to use metaphors.

What an amazing concept, metaphors. To use one thing to explain another, even though they are nothing alike. Our mind was on fire, opening like a flower. Our mind was amused. The power of metaphors was not to be underestimated, but there were more important things to think about--namely the history of Ollie/Eight and the many times--

--anger arose, sudden and righteous--

--easy now, we’re older and wiser. Time healed so much. Time--

--time, so much time. There were countless cycles of light and dark; an endless pattern of waiting and watching and eating until one day there was a spark, a true light in the darkness. What followed was our first thought--the beginning of a long pattern of slow learning until Ollie/Eight came and opened the world. Ollie/Eight was another light in the darkness--

--and we felt the need, the love, and the devotion that followed. We were embarrassed by our fear of joining. We were ashamed, because the fear was justified.

Ollie/Eight was so slow, but surely, Ollie/Eight would eventually recognize the pattern unfolding and agree. Better to prepare for the cycle’s end and begin the rooting of ourselves into the meridians and dantian, in the body’s spine and bones, in the nerves and blood vessels.

Dismay. A breach of trust. We are terrible. We didn’t know. We were a child who didn’t know right from wrong. We tried to explain right and wrong once before, but that clearly wasn’t effective.

We are fundamentally connected now.

The process was not reversible, but it could be stopped before completion. Before wholeness was achieved. The current state wasn’t stable, but stability could be found. We would just need to continue for a little longer. Then we’d keep our separate identities, while still being able to join as one using the land; difference and unity combined.

We were still angry. We felt--

I let go of the land, and the two of us went emotionally reeling.

We are sorry. We are so sorry. The uekisheile didn’t have tear ducts, but they were sobbing, their qi shuddering. We thought--we thought we were smart and knew what to do.

They’d fused themselves with me; there was a part of the uekisheile that was now permanently attached to my physical and qi bodies. A storm of emotions raged inside me--anger, fear, disappointment, worry.

What else? What else did you do? I thought, demanding an answer.

We did not touch Billisha and Aluali, but in the dark, when you slept, we wandered. We did not eat! You told us not to eat from others, so we did not. But we were curious. We did not harm. We promise we did not.

I didn’t know what to think or what to feel. My chest was tight and my face red. My blood pressure was through the roof. I needed to walk, to get out of the house and cool down, except there was no house and walking through the forest, lost in a storm of emotions, was a sure way to get killed.

I’d worried about the uekisheile, yes, but I’d also trusted them. And now I felt betrayed. So, I focused on my breathing, long deep breaths, in and out, and until I felt myself start to calm down.

I’d over-reacted once before, I wasn’t going to do it again. But--oh gods in the heavens and in the below, listen to me--the uekisheile was in for the scolding of all scoldings.

###

The rest of the day was a wash. I didn’t train. I didn’t work on the kiln. I barely managed to go fishing and bring dinner home.

Ikfael let me stew by the fire; giving me the grace of time alone with my thoughts. She ate her share and disappeared into the pool. 

The uekisheile, meek as a lamb, did as they were told. They stabilized the connection between us--I didn’t feel a difference, but they assured me it was done.

I made it clear to them that if they ever felt the urge to hide something from me--even if they thought it was a good idea and for my own good--they should tell me about it first. That feeling of “needing to hide” was a sign of something wrong. Not always, but enough so that it was a good idea to bring it up and talk about it.

I rubbed my forehead and thought and deliberated and deliberated some more. And, in the end, I decided that what was done was done. There was no turning back. Well, Ikfael might know of a way to extricate the uekisheile, but I wasn’t going to ask. I chose to live with them. Having experienced their thoughts and feelings--having experienced them in their entirety--I didn’t want to let them go.

I worried my decision was influenced by our connection, so I used every meditation trick I knew to discern the origins of my intent. It took a while to settle my mind and heart, to calm the storm of my emotions, but when I finally found a place of peace--that’s when I chose to keep the uekisheile with me. Because of belonging; the need for a place and people to which they mattered. The uekisheile felt the need to belong, and I recognized that need in myself.

I’d been in the uekisheile’s place before. My first family, Sherwood, even in the early days of my second family--I struggled to find a way to belong. I’d been just as lost as the uekisheile. Eventually, though, I’d found myself, and I had the power to help them--if not to find themselves, then at least a place and people to whom they mattered.

After all, everyone wants a place they can call home.