This was an accident. (Patreon)

I feel different lately in a weird way. A way that I'm not quite sure how to explain. 

It's like my connection with art is coming back. I can feel it boiling up inside of me. This thing, this voice that needs more attention. 

Being an artist is hard in general. You are always in inner turmoil in one way or another and it feels as though there is no balance. When you're born an artist you have this innate NEED to create. That need haunts you. 

I think it's terribly difficult in our society actually to BE an artist. There is no time for it. It seems to me that art is a luxury in many ways. Not only has our society made it owning and seeing art into this luxury market - but our day-to-day lives don't allow enough time to produce anything of meaning. (I feel anyways.)

This is a personal plight but I'm going to offer it anyways....for me to make good art, I need the time and freedom not only to create and work on it but also enough rest and quiet to connect with myself. 

And that's not something that I've felt I've had the time or capacity to do for years.  Not in any REAL type of way. 

I miss it. I miss her. I miss having a real voice. I miss being PROUD of what I created.

Lately, I've been drawn back to creating in a more artistic way than I have been over the past couple of years. There was a huge shift during the pandemic. Instead of being an artist, I transitioned into being a content creator. Because I lost my job and my business I was desperately trying to monetize my photography to pay my rent.

At that point it became work. I changed things in order to create things that would "sell". I came up with a formula. I took the majority of my personality out of what I created and simply tried to make it easy because I had to create SO MUCH content. 

Everything I've ever made for OnlyFans feels completely manufactured. 

Don't get me wrong - it's not because it's porn. It's because I was forced to create so much content within a given time that I had no choice but to disconnect from my previous artist and become a "line-worker" for all intents and purposes. 

**Just so nothing gets confused. I have nothing against being naked on the internet. I have nothing against porn or sex work. I consider myself a digital sex worker. My comments are more about rate at which digital sex workers are forced to create.

For me, I couldn't find the time to bring my full self into the work. I couldn't find time to be connected to myself and make everything I needed to make with any type of real vulnerability or artistic voice. BUT I think that CAN happen, there is an opportunity to create sexual content in this way. I just didn't have the time and money to see it through.**

All of this to say....OnlyFans was/is an interesting ride but my soul is crying out for more substance. 

If I could have anything I wanted, I'd have my debt paid off and take an entire month off, just to reconnect and create. I want to do EVERYTHING. 

I want to connect. 

I want to meditate, eat well, sleep well and get daily exercise. 

I want to see art, read about art and have time to ponder my thoughts and work in a sketchbook.

I want to take abstract painting classes. 

I want to finally watch the photography course I bought. 

I want to find a way to get "REAL" on the internet again. Even though I truly believe that it would go unnoticed and not be popular in the slightest. 

I want to rest - because my body truly needs that. 

But alas, I have to pay rent, I have to pay for my car. I have to pay for the tickets to Scotland I bought for Christmas and the stupid lingerie I bought while high to make myself happy the other night. 

I'm lost but I'm starting to find myself again. 

This is a load of jibberish, congrats to anyone who actually made it to the end. 

**Photo from next month's set.**