In 2019 I went to Kauai for 2 weeks after a traumatic experience. This is a photo essay I made while there. (Patreon)

***TRIGGER WARNING - Rape and abortion.***

***TRIGGER WARNING - Rape and abortion.***

***TRIGGER WARNING - Rape and abortion.***

It's 2019.  

 I'm in San Antonio Texas. I dislike San Antonio because it's far more racist and homophobic than I'm used to having lived in Montreal and Toronto for most of my adult life. It's also very Republican, Trump is president and Beto has lost to Cruz for Texas Senator. I feel very out of place due to my beliefs and politics.  

I've been here for about a year. I like my job but I don't have much of social life.   

One night I go on a date with someone I met on an internet dating app. We had been talking for maybe two weeks. We go to dinner, we walk around the neighborhood we are in popping in and out of bars to have a drink and when things start shutting down he invites me to his hotel room.

First I say no thank you but he's persistent. He tells me he's heard me when I've told him that I'm demisexual and don't jump into anything sexual quickly and respects that. He's just having a great time. It's been so long since he's felt as though he's connected with someone the way he does with him and he just doesn't want the night to end. He says that we can throw on a movie and continue getting to know one another and when I'm ready to go he'll get me an uber.  

I go.  

Once there, things take a turn and I end up getting raped. At a point I stop fighting so it would hurt less. A lot of people say that they go outside of their bodies but I felt the opposite. I felt like I regressed into some dark place within mine and hid?   

He took a shower, I got dressed and I left. I went home. I showered forever, I cried until I couldn't and I slept. The next day I wasn't the same. I haven't never been.   

I didn't do well after that. I did my best to go to work however, I was calling in sick almost every second day. When I was there, I felt as though I was holding my breath the entire time. I would go home, get in the shower and sob for so long.   

I was left with an infection afterwards and made an appointment at planned parenthood. I went in and I didn't mention it until they were doing a couple routine things and told me that I was pregnant. That was my breaking point. I looked up, I told the doctor that I "needed to not be" and started to cry.   I remember her calling an additional person into the room - doctor, nurse, I assume social worker. Possibly because I went from faking light and happy, cracking jokes to a completely mess in 3 seconds. I let her know that I got attacked, that I hadn't reported it and that I would need an appointment for an abortion.

She asked if it was someone I knew - not really. 

She asked if I went to the hospital for a rape kit - no. 

She asked me if I reported it - no.

 She asked me if I wanted to report it now - no.

Why? - I'm unsure that this person even gave me his real name. It was the first time I met him. I only have a phone number. I already didn't get a rape kit so even if they did EVERYTHING they could which they never do the likelihood of him actually being brought to justice probably less than 1%.

I left after making an appointment for an abortion. I had to stay pregnant for another 3 weeks before I was able to go for my appointment. I felt disgusting the entire time, like something poisonous was growing inside me making me unwell. 

 The day "it" happened I can't describe my feelings. I can, say that the people on the team that treated me were the absolute best. My doctor was an older gentleman, he cracked a lot of jokes and made the mood as light as he could. He was very soft and kind. I didn't speak to all my nurses but I know that one held my hand through the entire process. She spoke to me, she told me I was doing well and was very reassuring.   

In Texas, they have some weird rules. Even if you've been attacked (even if that attack is incest) before they can perform an abortion you need to see the fetus and listen to the heartbeat. You do paperwork beforehand so in my case they knew I had been raped, this didn't exempt me from a sonogram. I had to see and hear my baby before the procedure.

They also read you this script that is.....ludacris.  It mentions that if you move forward you will be actively ending a life.  It mentions that having an abortion can result in negative psychological effects - and when they say this the language completely aims at changing your mind.  Almost saying you wont be a full person after choosing not to become a mother and mentions that in the past women have been institutionalized after getting abortions. They also mention that having an abortion can increase your chances of getting breast cancer. 

????????? 

NONE of what they have to to say to you is right. It's not even medically sound. And I'm willing to bet that psychologist wouldn't recommend telling a women ending a pregnancy for ANY reason that she's basically a killer. 

What I remember most was the after part. They walk you to a little curtained section of a room, they give you some juice and you just have to chill there. It's a bit room and there's probably 8 curtained rooms. When I was there, all of them were full. You sat there and while things were quiet you could hear the women crying and it was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever witnessed.  

I thought that after this was done I'd feel better but I didn't.

I felt completely disconnected from my body. As if I was this little light in this big vessel but that I was lost. The thing I was in, I hadn't seen before. It was all new and I didn't understand what happened to my old body and what I did to end up here. Everything felt completely foreign. (Disassociation Disorder)

I also felt as though I was living in some alternate reality. When I was in my early 20s I have HPV - but that's when HPV was new and everyone was freaking out over it. I had a specialist for it and every time I saw her she was concerned. She fully told me that I had cancer and that it was something to be worried about. When I went in for this appointment, I told them what I was told in the past - they had follow up questions and it turns out I never had cancer???? I asked the doctor if this could have just been how things changed over the past 15 years? Like back then when they were at the beginning of all their research and treatments could they have somewhat spoken out of turn? He said yes completely - but, that I didn't have cancer. He also let me know that I could have kids which previously I was told that it would be very hard for me to carry full term and I would most likely miscarry multiple times if I ever did want to try to have a family. 

That was such a foundational thing for me. It was an "I went through this", I questioned life for a good 2 years, I put myself through hell worrying that my life was going to end seemingly for nothing? And not only that, now.....this traumatic thing has happened, I never second my abortion but afterwards it seemed heavier. I am 35, I'm not married, I thought I couldn't have kids, now I can but the first time I'm pregnant I chose against having it. 

The amount of "what ifs" that went through my head were endless. What if, this is my only chance? What if, this happened for a reason? What if, I'm making a huge mistake that I'll regret for the rest of my life? 

I stayed home from work. I continued to cry. I went to a couple therapy sessions because I knew I had no clue how to even begin to deal with the emotional side of this.   And one day the man I worked for came into my room in the middle of the day and he was like, I have something for you. It's an early bonus from work. I got you a ticket to Kauai - you're going to go for two weeks and just....get better, heal, whatever you need to do.  

I was.....baffled? How? Why? I don't deserve this?

I had a lot of mixed feelings but, I went.

This months photos are telling a story from my cell phone.  

Next months photos will be professional, emotional self portraits I took during my trip to Kauai.

xx  

Faye