I'm a little off today. (Patreon)

My boyfriend left yesterday. He was here for 5 days….I think, or was it 6? He rolls into town and suddenly all my time is gone. Instead of waking up and meditating, connecting with my body and trying to feel through any emotions that I feel I’m in his grasps instead. Quite literally, even after we are awake he wants to cuddle in bed for 2 hours before we get to anything. 

He dominates my space and leaves a trail of mess behind him whenever he goes. I am overreacting and I know that but any room that he inhabits I’m unable to shoot in because he is there, in his pile of “stuff”. The bedroom is unusable, the living room is unusable and the other rooms aren’t really suitable and so in a way I wait for him to leave in order to fully express myself. 

To be naked and to float around infant of my lens, playing in the light and giving my camera my emotion, my trauma, my dreams. 

I’m realizing 5 days is too long. 

Not only to go without shooting but to be used up by someone else. He is so HEAVY. 

Everything is hard when he is around. There is so much emotional labour that on days like today - the day after he leaves - I sleep all day. I myself am HEAVY in my sleep. I wake up and I don’t know what day it is, my body feels so heavy that it’s sunk into the mattress and I have to pry myself out of the bed. 

Without him I am light. Without him I’m happy to wake up, I’m happy to mediated and live within myself. I am quiet. I don’t need anything on in the background in order to drown out my own thoughts and feelings. I will go the entire day without having the tv on, without having music on….just living within myself. 

I go to the park daily, to feel the sun on my skin. To listen to my audio books about personal growth, the soul and finding happiness into pursuit. I make sure to swim in the lake before I leave. I feel the grass, I feel the earth, I smell the trees and I submerse myself in the water. Everything that is living without me, everything that is bigger than whatever I am. Everything that was here before me and will be here long after me. This keeps me in check. It keeps me small and it reminds me how insignificant my troubles are. 

I’ve made this solitary life that makes me feel so free and so happy. I live so easily and quietly alone. I’m having a hard time welcoming another person into that. I’m having a hard time balancing my life against someone else’s. Sometimes it feels like war, like they are running in and taking everything, they are meeting with the queen and making their demands before riding off into the sunset leaving the kingdom stripped of all it’s treasures. 

I guess I have to work on that. 

Most likely I need to find my voice and speak up. I need more time to myself even when he is here. I think it will be vital to remaining myself within whatever this is. I want to welcome him in but I don’t want to change who I am in order to make him stay. 

Do men realize how much emotional labour they are? 

How much they demand from women?

This place - my internal - is so much different when you are not here. That doesn’t mean that I don’t welcome you or that you are not wanted but must you take so much?