Individuals are part of an ecosystem and unless that ecosystem is healthy the individual isn't going to be. (Patreon)

Deepak Chopra said that on a podcast I was listening to this morning and I was like...OH! 

This was kind of like a piece to a puzzle for me.  I've been doing all this work in therapy for the past year but I feel as though I'm held back. I feel as though I can't progress currently. 

And within myself I'm doing all the things that I can to take care of me - maybe that's not really correct I currently eat like shit and I could very much get more exercise. BUT, I'm doing my therapy, I'm doing my gratitude journal, I'm getting outside and going for walks, I'm doing my creative projects to practice my passion, I'm sitting with myself through feelings and doing my best to let them go. Like....I am working at it!

BUT.....

I live in the house where I grew up with a toxic family and male authority figure. Which is ultimately still the same, only the figure has changed bodies. So there are all these things from childhood that keep coming up and in general even though I'm grown it's still a toxic, horrible situation to be in. 

Something happened at my job over Christmas which in my opinion was very unfair to me and links back to my trauma in certain ways. I was almost fired over someone else's actions and rumor spreading. Things aren't 100% better, I'm unsure if they ever will be? And within my role/relationship with my "boss"/business partner (because I'm a consultant he's not really my boss I help, coach and do work with him) I feel muzzled. Which, isn't a good feeling. 

In love...god. Where do I even start LOL. 

Love is my "issue". Moreso than my trauma, moreso than anything - at the root of everything for me is love. I am forever searching for it because I never had it. Or possibly, because I had a great childhood with someone who loved me and showed me attention while I was mainly with my Grandmother before I started school at 4 - but then life completely changed. Everything was stripped away and instead I was in a toxic household where I was an afterthought. Throughout my childhood it was - be good, be silent, be invisible, do not cause trouble because the male figure in our household was....well, you just never knew what you were going to get so it was like constantly walking through a minefield. My mom, is great, if you met her you would love her but she was young and didn't know how to deal with anything so she just checked out. 

Forever searching for love, acceptance, understanding, worthiness, kindness and protection. (No wonder I'm a little right?)

And even though, I've heard therapists say that you have to find love within yourself. Like....we are humans, we need community. In my opinion we need external love as well. 

I feel like so much of the last year has been trying to turn me into a tank. Some self sustaining monster being who needs nothing and no one to exist and be happy. However, I just don't think that's possible. 

And at the end of the day wanting a little love (or a lot of love) isn't a bad thing. We just see it as a bad thing because our society is so bad at love. Like....all of these people running around trying to find love in sex with strangers, or sex period, or they are hurt from not having love or losing it that they form addictions etc. 

Sometimes I wish I could press reset for all of us. I feel like, we need so much more EMOTIONAL stuff taught in schools to sincerely help people become better humans. 

*shrugs*

Anyways....therapy this afternoon. LOL