I have a hole in me and my lifestyle doesn't help. (Patreon)

The day after I wrote my last blog I went to therapy. I had sent Sarah what I wrote and thus, we talked a lot about it. 

I ended up making some big statements that kind of surprised her. 

One of which was that, I don’t think I know what love is. In the way that people can be colour blind I think that I’m love mind. Meaning that, what is blue to most people, doesn’t read the same way to someone that is colourblind. 

Love - confuses me. 

There is the “love” that we see in movies and in media which was essentially made to be a fantasy/perfect by ad men of the past. There is the “love” is see in others - friends relationships etc. And then there is this made up thing that I consider love based on feelings I’ve had in the past (some of which comes from toxic situations/relationships). 

That I consider to be love is this euphoric feeling that I’ve gotten from very few people in my life - most of the men I’ve dated. 

I wasn’t “cared for” as a child, I was pretty much ignored and left to my own devices. So acts of caring etc…are often surprising to me however, they don’t equal love in my brain. Although logically I can understand that this is how some people show their love. 

What all this means is that on an everyday level - I go without being cared for, largely without being spoken to and without any type of love. (Not sure what I view as love but any type of love at all). 

Sarah tried very hard to talk to me about finding love in little things, in everyday happenings etc but looked really puzzled when I somewhat shrugged her off and said that I didn’t have that. I think she thought I was just being difficult but I wasn’t at all. I explained that therapy was my time to speak about myself. To actually talk about the things that I feel and that sometimes it’s nothing for me to go a full 2 week period without getting chances like that with anyone else. 

I explained that within a normal day I didn’t see love and then I broke it down for her. I was there at therapy - potentially being cared for in a way which happens for 1 hour every 2 weeks. From therapy I would leave and go to my office, where I’m alone. The people that I work with are polite to me, it’s not that they are negative but if they speak to me they speak to me because they want/need something. It’s friendly but not friendship in the way that they care about what I do, where I am, how I feel. As it is, it’s nothing for me to go 4-5 days without speaking to anyone that I consider a friend. When I leave work I go back to where I live currently (at my moms house) - my mom works nights, so when she works I don’t see her at all. She leaves before I’m home, she gets home and goes to bed before I leave for work and on her off days she tends to have odd sleeping habits. Although, even when I do see her our relationship is strained. My mom doesn’t show emotion easily or well. Even if you confide in her or open up to her, she will listen to you but she simply doesn’t react. She also doesn’t help unless she can easily see a task that she can complete. If it’s just giving you a ride somewhere or something - it’s easy and she does it without hesitation. Having a conversation about feeling - she looks at you like your from another planet. There is also….her boyfriend, who I have mentioned before. Who is the same and I stay away from. So most nights, I come home, hang out with the dog and I either work on an art project or I watch a show and I pass out. 

**Sidenote - I say the thing about my friends not checking in on me fully knowing that they don’t have to. I fully understand that everyone has full lives. Everyone has significant others, plans, hobbies, families, jobs and all the rest of it. It’s not their fault at all that they don’t think of texting me everyday. I feel like it’s more my own fault for not having what everyone else does. 

When I think back to even my last job. My life wasn’t different - I just had a different job. BUT I spent an hour getting ready everyday, I spent 2 hours commuting. I spent 8-14 hours working and interacting with people and caring for their needs everyday. I didn’t have time to text every single one of my friends to ask them if they felt loved that day. I was busy and when I got home I was exhausted AF. I would sleep until it was time to do it all over again. So it’s so easy for me to see and understand that people are busy, that there attention is in other places and rightfully so.**

I think Sarah was taken back by this and ended up calling it “toxic”. She mentioned getting another job, she mentioned getting my own place. 

I kinda shrugged both off….I don’t know that my work environment is “toxic” - no one is yelling at me, no one is super negative towards me, they just don’t care about me on a personal level. I’m largely left alone with my projects which is nice, I kinda come and go as I please as long as my work gets done which within this healing journey is actually really helpful. So I mean, why rock the boat? 

My living situation….yeah, not the best, I don’t ultimately want to be there but I also feel like I’m in a really weird situation. I don’t know where I want to live. Do I want to live in Penetanguishene for the rest of my life? Even right now? If I had my choice probably not. I can’t buy a house because I have to wait 3 years (or 3 tax filings) for the Canadian government to count the income I make in the states. If I rent an apartment - the rent is so high that I’m essentially not saving anything thus I have no down payment etc. 

I’m single, I’ve always been single and not that anyone is dying any time soon but at no point in my life will I be getting any inheritance. So I’m on my own financially, which I’m not complaining about I’m just saying that - a downpayment etc has to come from me and only me so if I rent that’s really just never going to fucking happen. 

So do I get a place? Do I bide my time? Do I say fuck it and just take as many trips to Hawaii as I can? 

And even if I do this stuff - does it solve the hole that’s in me where love should be? No.

We ended and I’m suppose to work on being grateful. I’m suppose to be grateful every day for the things I GET to do and not HAVE to do. 

So….things I am grateful for today:

I’m grateful that I get to have the day to myself (instead of working). 

I’m grateful that the sun is shining

I’m grateful that I get to edit photos which is something that I love and am passionate about

I’m grateful that I get to spend him with the pupper

I’m grateful that I get to visit my grandad who is now how of the hospital. I’m grateful I have enough money to buy him is fav fish and chips. 

I’m thankful for the Valentines Day card that my mom gave me which says I was the best daughter in the world. 

I’m grateful that even though I totally don’t have a next step with my housing situation that no one is pushing me out and that I have a bed and a small space to come back to everyday.

I’m grateful for the deep and honest conversations I get to have with Katie

Until next time.