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Another update with my pc situation:

Now aside from constantly crashing, it also turns on by itself a few seconds after shutting down, as if it was getting back on from standby.

On the bright side, computer shop guy said my new pc will arrive between today and the day after tomorrow, delivered by DHL.

I couldn't open any potentially heavy program without risking a crash within 5 minutes. So in the meantime, here's an ork confused about a butt with purity seal.