Jonathan (Patreon)

i made the description long again lmao
My fashion icon who’s actually not that fashionable. He sure tries though. his hair is a great way for some study time, and a deeper understanding on how hair works, from shaping it and how it changes it’s form to accommodate.

 his hair is precious due to its use as a coping mechanism, as his childhood was rife with abuse And lonelines, feeling out of control and without autonomy. it felt like even his own body was not his. but... his hair was. The only thing that can calm him and ground him was by shaping, ruffling, pulling, and caring for his hair. something he can change on a daily basis, something that is quiet, repeatable, with expected outcomes. he wasn’t always kind to his hair, in particularly hard days he would pull it, break it, and on The worst of moments, cut or shave it. (at one time he did, and shaved it completely When he was deeply spiraling, and when coming to, he regretted immediately) at the end of the day, it was his, even if he  ruined it sometimes. 

Later on in life he was given a plushy in the vague resemblance of an animal, with a star shaped head. It eventually became a possession he wouldn’t let go of, something he owned and ever let anyone take it from him without consequences. at the time, he was adopted and the toy symbolized a change of environment, where autonomy was possible. he intitially had no intention of keeping it, fearing he would lose it like most things, but overtime it stayed, no matter how many times he ran away or had trouble in school. his parents did not take things away from him even if he lashed out, cried, or panic. his room was lockable, and his parents didn’t force him out or take him to places he would struggle in. Not like they were perfect, but they did better. Eventually that toy meant that things are changing, and he could regain control of his life, his body, his things.

 He started to braid his parent’s hair, a form of bonding he particularly liked, which lent itself to long moments of peace. after being taken out of school (it got too hard for him to handle- so the parents decided temporary homeschooling was for the best) he went to the gym with them, running and doing some weightlifting. exercise marked another moment of change for him, as it also signified a huge step of autonomy. He could control how much muscle he can gain and where to focus on. It felt more freeing than ever. Control is what he felt was lacking, and this coupling everything else he had going for him, from therapy and environmental changes, to familial bonding and especially, time... this made him happier. All he wanted was to gain what he never had, and now he has it.
it was still a journey, and even as an adult with prospects he never dreamed he would have, he still has the remnants of his past. the little reminders of anxiety, that all he gained would be taken away from him, all the people he cared about would leave him or hurt him, that he would lose his control of himself. They remain as the pink scars of a once fresh wound, but they are a scar and not a wound. (and rather literally he has one big bad scar on him) he can confidently say he’s proud and in a place more secure than the insecurities can fight against.