I'm Two (Patreon)

Hey guys, just a quick warning this is just an introspective text post that can go to some pretty weird places. It has been stewing on my mind for a long while so I finally decided to write it down. If it's not your thing feel free to completely ignore everything here, we'll be returning to our regular program soon with Pokebreeder: Dragonite as I'm nearly done with it.

E: I'm ████████

M: I'm Mabit

E: Why are you making this?

M: I'm... not sure. I think it's a way for me talk to myself, maybe gain a bit of introspection.

E: You're just trying to sound smart. You want people to pity you, to pay attention to you.

M: I really want to think that's not the case, but I can't say you're 100% wrong.

E: If you just wanted to do this for yourself, why make all of this? Why share it so other people can see it?

M: I need to express this in some way, and this is the only way I can make sure it has enough meaning to myself. I'd like to think that I wouldn't put effort into it unless I truly meant it. I also don't think there's anything wrong in letting others have a look inside my head.

E: I do.

M: I know you do, I know you think it's a sign of weakness.

E: Now you're just trying to paint me as the antagonist here. You know you're me right? You know that that's what you think too, at least partially.

M: Yeah, but at the same time I don't? It's really complicated. I don't know to feel about being two people that are actually both myself at the same time.

E: It sucks. Being just one would be much better for me both mental and physically.

M: But at the same time you'd never want to be just one.

E: Yes.

M: We should "introduce" ourselves again, otherwise things might get complicated.

E: I'm ████████, I'm the original one, the "real life" one. I'm in Portuguese, I code, I have a family, I have friends, they care about me and me about them.

M: I'm Mabit. I'm the one that developed later

E: Don't write "I'm the parasite", we both know that that's not 100% how you feel.

M: I'm in English, I draw, I don't have any meaningful connections to others. I'm alone.

E: You know that's just what you think.

M: Yes. But I also think it's better to "think you don't when you actually do" than to "think you do when you actually don't". It's safer.

E: You worry too much, you play it too safe.

M: I know, you do too. We're the same.

E: And don't tell me you've not made meaningful connections. You know who I'm talking about.

M: Yes, but those are not Mabit's friends. They're... a third one's?

E: You're just segregating yourself for the sake of feeling bad. We're all you.

M: But at the same time that's the truth. The fact is Mabit, the artist, doesn't have any connections aside from "myself".

E: Boohoo, your follower counts are 5 digits long and you feel so alone. I'm not gonna feel sad for you, you know I think you're just making drama because you love the attention.

M: I know, but it still doesn't change the fact that I feel this way. And you know I don't care about the numbers.

E: You do, you love when you see the numbers go up. It makes you feel you're in the right path.

M: The only times the numbers make me feel good are for the really short moments when I see a post has succeeded. 99.9% of the time the numbers only make me feel bad. It's a couple of seconds of "Nice, everything is going alright" and then months of "This is not working, I'm nowhere near any of my expectations".

E: You know things take time, you know you can't just snap your fingers and suddenly be a better artist.

M: But at the same time, I constantly disapoint myself for not getting better. And I'm filled with envy for others that show so much improvement. So much potential.

E: And you're stuck. You're not really an artist. Other people can easily run for kilometers while you struggle to take a few steps. You don't have the fire and you're desperately looking for it.

M: What is the fire?

E: I don't know. You don't know. We can recognize when someone else has it, but we can't light our own. We're a tiny LED surrounded by massive burning stars.

M: Yeah. But isn't just looking for the fire enough to keep going? It's one thing to not have what it takes and give up, but when you continue regardless of that... Isn't that something at least?

E: That's what you want to think. You want to be the big fucking hero, you want everyone to look at you and think "Wow, even someone like him with no fire at all can get up there. Maybe I can too!"

M: I mean, isn't that at least enough reason to keep going? Does feeling good about it really invalidates helping others?

E: No, but it doesn't change the fact that you're doing it for your own selfish reasons. You revel whenever someone contacts you about how your work helped them. Right now you were about to list the messages people send you for that, just for the sake of feeling good about yourself again.

M: Yes. But remember that it was about to happen in your side of the dialogue. You know you like it as much as I do.

E: I do, and I also hate myself for feeling like that.

M: As do I.

E: What are you going to do with this thing this time? It's not the first time we talk like this, what changed to make you write it down this time?

M: Honestly I want to get rid of it. If I just leave it floating around in my head then it's just gonna keep bubbling up again and again.

E: But making it into a "tangible" thing gives it some finality.

M: At the very least it's gonna prevent me from repeating myself.

E: I just really want to put all this gunk behind me.

M: Feeling all those things sucks. I want to go back to before when I just created whatever, with little regards to anything around me and absolutely no pressure.

E: You like the pressure, you work much better when you're under it.

M: Hahaha, I know.

E: Wouldn't you just say that the only difference between now and then is the way you feel about it. Has anything actually changed aside from your skill and circumstances?

M: Hm, I don't think so. Maybe this *is* just all in my head.

E: Ha, so the only barriers that can contain you are the ones you create yourself.

M: Now who's full of himself? But yeah, that might be the case.

E: This was... oddly refreshing. I was thinking it was gonna be some edgy rant that was just gonna be me feeling bad about myself.

M: But organizing your thoughts like this brings everything to a whole new perspective.

E: I haven't fixed any of the problems really.

M: But having them organized like this, instead of just floating in the chaos of my mind makes me realize I might just be exaggerating them.

E: Are you gonna delete this? Or are you gonna let other people in your mind like you said up there?

M: I'll probably post it, yeah. It's better to invite other people in rather than keep them away.

E: Alrighty. Hey you, other person that has read this. Hope it wasn't too confusing. This was written over the course of a couple of days (or many months, it depends if you count all the time it has just been floating around my head). Mabit is too embarrassed to ask you guys, but go easy on him. He's a stupid idiot that really likes to overthink stuff.

M: Yeah, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

E: Alright, let's wrap it up since notepad++ is saying we've just reached 100 lines. See you guys in the next mental breakdown.

M: And I'll be seeing you pretty soon with stuff that's hopefully not gonna be as weird as this. Seeya guys.