Is Hindsight Really 2020? (Patreon)

Recently I made a post on Instagram about how I thought part of the initial isolation would give me a boost on creating content I was excited about. One night toward the end of March, I brainstormed so many ideas that I couldn’t wait to shoot. It was enough to fully fill April and have pictures I could use for months. I didn’t shoot almost any of it, and what I did end up shooting was months later. I think I’ve done roughly 2-3 of those ideas.

I also didn’t learn Spanish. I may know a smidge more than I did prior to March 2020, but nothing significant.

My workouts seem to have only gotten shorter from March through December.

I still don’t know how to bake bread.

The candle making supplies I purchased in the summer are still completely unused, though they traveled with me from Vegas to LA, sat in LA for months, and are now back in Vegas in our home, tucked away in the corner of my closet.

I didn’t “do” a lot. Sure, I did some organizing and lots of cooking. I worked a bit and was driving a hell of a lot more than I have in a while from July to December, but I still didn’t “do” much in terms of what I’d normally consider productive.

But despite it seeming like I didn’t do much, internally it feels like I really did that whole caterpillar to butterfly thing. It feels like I’ve gone through a complete metamorphosis from who I was to...who I was.

And I’ll explain.

I lived almost all of my life being unashamedly myself. While I changed my style and all that a few times from elementary to high school, it was my junior (11th grade for those of you not from the States) year that I finally realized, I don’t have to fit into a label. My freshmen year (9th grade), I had been a “punk” kinda vibe, but total poser punk because knew almost nothing of music aside from what I liked, which wasn’t too extensive. My sophomore (10th grade) year, I was pretty skater girl since I had started skateboarding a bit in 9th grade. And before high school? Oh lorddddttttt. In middle school I was trying to be preppy because I played club volleyball with a bunch of rich girls, but also was real wannabe gangster because I went to a middle school that was arguably “the worst” middle school in town and well, that was the cool way to be. So, while I kept my personality, I was also really trying to fit in somewhere. For whatever reason, my 11th grade year I just realized that it’s okay to wear a dress and heels one day, then Sharpie’d Converse and Dickies with zippers the next. I could be cute and girly and also be tough and skate with the boys. That served me so well through adulthood and I really thank my parents for not policing my funkiness in fashion. It helped me learn how to not care when others stared at me (I truly didn’t realize how much it happened until one day at the mall my dad pointed it out and found it amusing) and I always felt good because I was just being me. It was incredibly fulfilling and even if people said things about me behind my back, they were super nice to my face and I didn’t ever know (aside from when I was stripping, but I think that’s to be expected!).

The shift my life took when I met JD and was exposed to a whole array of online folks who didn’t like me simply because I chose to display my naked body was so unexpected. I’d never questioned myself before because my followers, friends, and family had always been so supportive. It didn’t take long before the backlash of his followers hit me deep, along with having a couple of really really unpleasant bookings as a feature performer in strip clubs at the same time. Being so disrespected while being in my sexual power hurt me very deeply, and to be honest, I think I’m still recovering from both of those things. So, as many of you know, I “cleaned up my act,” and took down all my nude photos and videos. For the last 6 years, I’ve struggled to find ways to express myself without being “too much” for middle America. Even with Patreon, I always had to be careful not to go too far in case someone would screenshot a post and share it in a forum somewhere.

So long story...kinda long, but kinda short... 2020 was the year I finally found myself again. It’s crazy to me that it took MONTHS of therapy, but it also makes perfect sense considering I kept myself in an unhealthy state of mind for 5+ years. I can’t think of a better thing to have learned than how to love myself again exactly as I am.

2021 is starting off pretty much how 2020 ended, but the new year does feel like a fresh start. I don’t feel pressured to do anything in a certain time frame really, even in business I’m seeing how things can be flexible to best serve the most people. I guess I’m finding the freedom I once felt in early adulthood. I’m not sure how to turn this into actionable steps for others since I’m still discovering a lot about myself, but I do want to share as much as I possibly can because talking and sharing has always been something that helps me process. Gosh, I could talk about the same things over and over and over with different people and never tire of it. I hope that my sharing is positive in any way for you all, whether that be entertaining, thought-provoking, inspiring, and/or freeing. There are certain people who help me feel permission to be myself when I see what they share, and I really hope to be that for you too. 💕