Looking for a Scene (Patreon)

Looking back at some of my old modeling photos brings back so many memories. Sometimes it's a whole story centered around what happened at that particular photoshoot, sometimes it's what happened leading up to it, and sometimes I remember what I was going through around that time. 

For these photos, it's a mix mostly of who I was and who I was trying to be at this time, as well as what happened at and leading up to this shoot. (side note: I still have this entire outfit and I know exactly where it all is. I like holding onto stuff if you can't tell.)

I was still living in Amarillo, TX, as this was around 20...10? I think. Not totally positive. I know I had done a bit of modeling, but not much in terms of professional experience. I was working at MAC, I think just freelancing at the time. My friend Kim, who had helped me get the job at MAC, told me about a couple of her friends in Dallas who did photography and makeup and she suggested I book with them. I was traveling a fair bit at this point and I also had a friend named Hannah who liked to travel with me, oddly enough, had family around Dallas where we could stay. At the time, Hannah and I were dancers as well (dancers as in strip club, and you'll notice the stripper platforms in later photos) and we wanted to try working in Dallas at some point. We decided to make a trip of it and we both booked with photographer Jill Rasco and makeup artist, LaDonna Stein. Keep in mind these photos are somewhere around 10 years old and just at my modeling skills improved, so have theirs so don't mind the slightly outdated bits. lol

This was my first time working with a (what I considered) "real" photographer. I'd worked with some local photographers, some of whom are great friends to this day, but most were hobbyists. It was exciting to get to work with someone who was in a big city actually making money off their craft. I was also hoping to make it big within the alternative modeling world at this time, and both Jill and LaDonna had extensive experience in this realm. Keep in mind, this was all before social media was really a "thing" aside from MySpace. I didn't even have Instagram yet. So networking had to be done mostly the old school way, aside from that now creeptastic website, ModelyMayhem. Back in the day, MM was a good way to meet other industry people, but these days...yikes. The creeps and scams are real there. 

The whole shoot was... so much fun and exactly the kind of experience I was hoping to have. I got to be creative, didn't feel rushed, was hanging with my friend, and got along great with the photographer and makeup artist! They helped me a lot with posing and even seemed excited about the outfits I got. (another side note: I still have these checkered shorts as well. They are in fact the same as the above shorts just in a different print. Praise be to Vans!)

So, I had a sternum piercing at this time also. I kinda miss that one. My body rejected it, so while it never got infected, my skin was literally pushing it out and it got so shallow that I ended up having it taken out. This was before I was at the height of my piercings, which got up to 19, if I recall correctly!

During this time of my life, I had no real direction outside of pursuing modeling, makeup, and traveling. I was really quite happy just living life. I'd like to romanticize it and say I was "finding myself" or "exploring", but truthfully, I wasn't that deep yet. Life was offering things I found interesting and I simply accepted the things that made sense to me. 

Ahh, the rainbow goodness. For a long time, I avoided wearing rainbows at all costs. I was always drawn to them, and my freshman year in school, I wore them A LOT, mostly in the form of my daily rainbow belt and my rainbow shoelaces in my white Vans that turned baby blue in the sun. That is, until someone asked me if I was a lesbian. And then more people asked, so I stopped wearing them. At that time, I was hardcore into my conservative Christian faith, which at the time, was considered on the progressive side of Christianity. I had always bee attracted to and sexually curious about being with women, but I would never have admitted it then. 

Now, being an adult and allowing myself to finally be whoever I felt like being, I naturally went back to the rainbows any chance I got. Funny enough, even though I was making out with my friends and any girls I could at the time (also showering together at times), I still didn't really know I was queer. It was just a down for whatever attitude. Also, probably a lot of just enjoying the attention that came from making out with girls at bars and parties. 

So, mixing my rainbows and sexy photos was pretty much the ultimate at the time. I remember being really excited about this set. Plus, I was playing in the fridge and I've been a foodie my whole life. 

I felt really empowered during this shoot, as well as safe to be whomever I felt like being. This might have been the first time I felt like I was really on the right track to do what I wanted to do within my modeling career. 

I suppose it makes sense that this photo above ended up being quite popular across the internet. I remember Inked Magazine using it in an article that went kinda viral and people were sending it to me. They hadn't even bothered to credit me. And it was still being used a few years ago, which I find kinda crazy. Also rather hilarious (though annoying at the time), Inked put me on a cover a few years ago and didn't even spell my name right!

WILD how that all just went full circle for me. I didn't plan out this post at all, just typed and went with the flow. 

So, pretty much I made it to the level I wanted to within the alt realm, and it wasn't all that so I was like BYYYYYYEEEEEEE. But I still very much value that journey and still very much am so thrilled that I did everything I did in the last 12 years. It's been the most rewarding experience and I cannot wait to share more stories with all of you. :)