Cantankerous Cheater 1 (Patreon)

Cantankerous Cheater
Chapter 1

-VB-

"I imagined a deal with the devil would be more brimstone and fire…" he spoke up timidly and tiredly.

The devil in question - a Mr. Madison if the nameplate was right - looked up and quirked an eyebrow. "It would have been had you contacted us a thousand years ago. Unfortunately, Mr. Veder, Hell lost a rather serious war with the Traders. One of the concessions Hell gave in order to retain its independence was conforming to the bureaucrat standards of the Traders in all levels of operations."

"Huh."

"Yes. And… it seems that your file is good. I see no problems with submitting this. Would you like me to?"

He nodded. "Yes, please."

Three inch thick stack of documents burned away.

A minute later, a single page dropped into Mr. Markson's inbox. He slipped the page out with his two dainty fingers and read.

"Ah, yes. Your application has been successfully been submitted, Mr. Veder!"

"Oh cool! So umm, what can I do?"

"Just fill out this form."

He did. There were a lot of powers to choose from! He was going to be so epic! "Hey, where's Alexandria in this?"

"Unfortunately, we don't currently have her in stock, but we soon will."

"Bummer." Then he frowned. "Why can't I pick for this option?"

"Oh, it will be available after you complete the form."

He circled in his choices, scribbled away at others, and grinned. "Finally, with this, I get to be a hero…"

And then the paper burned, startling Greg.

"Ah. About that."

He blinked and looked at Mr. Markson.

The polite and professional face disappeared and there were only slit eyes and a mouth filled with too many teeth.

"We are still in the business of buying souls, which is what you signed away. Alas, the Traders want their share, so we won't be able to extract the full value of your soul on the spot."

Greg gulped and rose out of the office chair, which had suddenly become too hot. "Wait, I -," he uttered in panic.

"A bargain struck with the Devil," the creature before him hissed as his neck lengthened. "Alas, it won't be you who will be enjoying the fruits of your soul."

The room made him sweat and the devil suddenly had a chainsaw.

"You want to be a hero. So I will ensure a man capable of villainy gets your body."

"You can't do this to me!"

"You signed your soul away, buddy! I can do anything I want to you!"

"No, wait, please-!"

"Please, scream for the one minute I get to torture you before I grind you up!"

-VB-

I opened my eyes.

What the fuck?

I sat up slowly, feeling something off. Then I realized that I must have kicked off the second layer of comforter like I usually do in the night. I reached forward for it… And didn't find it.

Huh?

This blue plastic-looking framed bed wasn't mine. I looked around. I didn't have my computer in my bedroom, but there was one here. My closet was built into the wall, but the one in front of me was a cheap white painted net and frame stacks of drawers.

The fuck?

Where am I?

"Greg, it's time for breakfast!"

"Coming!" I replied to mom.

…. Then I froze.

Mok didn't sound like that woman.

Yes, that is mom.

No, my mom was -.

That is mom.

But -.

Something clicked in my head. Whatever it was bloomed and then burst with power.

My eyes rolled over into my head and I fainted.

-VB-

I alnost didn't get sent to school because I fainted on my bed with a nosebleed, but I waved my new parents off and came to school.

I chose to come to school.

Yes, I did, because the other option was to go to the hospital, and there was a good chance that the doctors there might just ask for an MRI.

And then the secret would be out.

Yes.

Wait, was I talking to myself?

"Greg Veder."

"Here."

So I woke up as one Greg Veder. Okay. Cool. I knew what Greg knew, which wasn't much.

Oh, I now knew about this world, this Earth Bet, and simple math told me that had I not gained superpowers, I would have been fucked.

I got superpowers, by the way. Whatever knocked me out also gave me superpowers.

The "base" for all of my powers seemed to be "The Gamer," a power that converted all of my inputs and outputs into game mechanics and functions. This power absorbed whatever other powers I had, because I had four Unique Skills.

Unique Skill: Love at First Sight did just that; I could cause an individual to fall deeply in romantic love with me. It didn't say anything about my targets staying in love, though.

Unique Skill: Doormaker allowed me to make a portal to another universe, though I only had access to one right now: my old world. To gain access to other worlds, I needed something like a book, game CD, poster, or even a flimsy aluminum badge, associated with either a real or fictional world.

Unique Skill: One or the Other gave me the keys to the intelligence kingdom; if one hundred people knew the answer to a question I asked, then I would get the answer.

Lastly, Unique Skill: Immunity promised to turn me immune to all physical parahuman powers used against me. The problem, however, came with how it gained that immunity; I needed to get hit repeatedly to build up an immunity.

All of these Unique Skills showed itself in thr Game as small icons in the left corner of my vision that I could toggle the visibility of. The Game didn't explicitly state it when I gave those my attention, but each of these could be powers on their own.

As for the Game itself, well…

It styled itself after World of Warcraft.

I mean, sure, I loved the game, but I had grown out of it for some time (oh, Rust, what would I do without you now…).

However, the Game acted strangely. Instead of assigning or letting me choose a pair of professions and class, I was apparently everything at once?

Greg Veder(Alan Marris)

LvL 1

100% HP / 100% MP

My mental list of spells listed all skills and spells, active and passive, that any class accessible at LvL 1 would have as well as every single crafting and gathering professions from the game.

I would complain to the developer about the lack of balance, but then again, I found myself in a world filled with assholes and kaijus. I kind of needed this broken build at least if I was going to keep my new family safe.

"Mr. Veder, could you please pay attention?"

"Sorry."

'With all of this at my fingertips, what was I going to do in this shitty city?

I thought a out it while pretending to pay attention. '… probably get rich and get my family out. Simple and easy. I probably won't have to do anything for long.'

Something flashed across the city and then a plume of black smoke rose up into the air. I noticed it and a lot of other students as well as the teacher did, too.

Boom!

My body froze.

My eyes widened.

My heart pounded.

That… that came from thw direction of my house.

Without even thinking about it, I ran. I grabbed my backpack and rushed out of the classroom and then the school. My lungs and body didn't burn even though I was grossly out of shape, but I couldn't go any faster than sprinting.

I ran for four minutes straight. Police cars and fire trucks blared their horns as they passed me in the street.

And then I was in front of my apartment building. My home.

It burned.

Flames roared out from all of the windows and people screamed. Mom and dad and sis weren't out. Mom and dad didn't work today. Sis was a baby.

My family's car was still parked in front of the apartment.

Everything but one thought faded away. I needed to find my family. I dove in before any of the police officers and firefighters could stop me.

I ignored how my health bar began to drop with each lick of fire.

"Mom!" I screamed. "Dad!"

I rushed up the stairs.

Crack-

I stopped dead in my track and looked up. The cement stairs above me sported a huge network of spiderweb cracks, and grew closer to me every second. It threatened to cave in at any moment.

I couldn’t dodge it in time.

CRACK-!

I screamed as cement chunks slammed into me from above.

-20HP

But the pain died immediately after. That was good enough for me.

I scrambled back up on the black scorched stairs and climbed.

-1HP

-1HP

-1HP

And then I was at my floor.

I stumbled forward, not exhausted but limping definitely, and made it to my door.

There was no door, only an open doorway with fire spewing out.

I stared at it with wide eyes before narrowing my eyes.

Without thinking, I just dove in.

I bit back a scream as my limping leg snapped on me and the fires around me burned my skin.

“DAD!” I screamed. “MOM!”

No answer, only the roaring of the red flames.

“ANNIE!”

No answer, only the distant sirens.

I crawled forward. Both of my legs wouldn’t respond now. Right, both of them took hits from falling debris.

I was in the bedroom…

My eyes widened and a sobbing scream tore its way out of my lips.

There, on the bed, were three vaguely human-shaped mounds of charcoal.

Crack-.

Ah… I didn’t care anymore…

CRACK-!

-VB-

I opened my eyes.

I wasn’t dead, even though the last pain before I opened my eyes had been that of something slamming on top of my head.

Why was I alive?

Something larped at my feet.

Reluctantly, I pulled myself up. Oh, I was on the beach. This place smelled like shit and looked like shit. It had more in common with My Hero Academia’s that one beach-turned-garbage dump.

I lumbered up, first onto my knees, and then on my feet. I stood there, staring out into the blue afternoon skies and the deep blue waters of the Atlantic.

What was the point now?

Mom, dad, and Annie were dead. They were Greg’s - my - family. What do I do without my family?

A corner of my mind ruthlessly told me that they weren’t my first family, who had to still be alive. I only knew them for -.

And I squashed that thought angrily.

They were family, and that’s all that mattered.

… How did that fire start? It looked like it had been burning for some time. Why didn’t the firefighters get there fast enough?

I quenched the anger boiling in my chest.

Wasn’t it qualities of life like the slow firefighter response that I had been planned to get my family out of the bay?

“Hey, what’s a fatso like you doing here?”

I blinked. I turned around and found … oh no, those were Empire Eighty-Eight gangsters, if the premature baldness, tasteless tattoos, and very edgelord black and red colors said anything.

I pointed at my face.

“Yes, you, fatso!” the frontmost gangster snapped and snarled at me.

I looked down.

I wasn’t fat. Nowhere close. Sure, I had a bit of a baby fat on me, but not enough for it to be considered fat by any means. I looked back up at them.

“What’s the fat fucker like you doing here? Don’t you know this is Empire’s territory?! You wanna die, fucker?!”

… Ah. He was just the run-of-the-mill scum. Bastards like them stole from paramedic ambulances-.

My eyes narrowed.

Scums like him plagued my city. It’s because of shit like them that firefighters were late. Money that could be used to upgrade roads and firefighter engines went to patching up damages caused by shitheads like these.

My family died because of scum like him.

My mom, dad, and Annie died, just three of many others like them.

Because gangsters like these assholes existed.

I smiled.

I found what I needed to do.

"What the fuck are you-?"

'[Warlock: Immolate 1].'

Immediately, the gangster caught on fire, and he screamed.

'[Warlock: Demon Skin 1]. [Paladin: Devotion Aura 1]. [Paladin: Seal of Righteousness 1].'' The next one, I had to physical act. '[Warrior: Battle Shout 1]!'

I opened my mouth into an ugly snarl and roared. The immediate area almost took on a different air. Hostile and heavy.

And I felt stronger.

I grabbed a piece of broken metal piping and jumped forward.

'[Warrior: Heroic Strike 1], [Shaman: Rockbiter Weapon 1]!'

The weapon took on a green hue and a dangerous glint at the same time.

Shocked by the sudden fire, the four gangsters didn't see me coming until it was too late. I jumped up with the pipe held high and struck down with my weight.

The pipe crushed through his skull and stopped just above the nose.

My jaw dropped in shock.

"Oh fuck, cape!"

"He killed Kenny!"

No time.

I squashed the rising bile bile, pulled the pipe out of the head with a squelch, and ran at the next gangster, who pulled out a switchblade.

I hefted the pipe back up and slammed it down with a roar. It struck the gangster's arm, snapping it in half, and continued on to strike and cave in the skull. I quickly casted Immolate, but this time on the remaining gangster who pulled out a gun.

He screamed.

I ran up and bashed his head in.

When he fell down, a sudden burst of golden light wrapped around me before disappearing as quickly as it had come.

I LvLed up.

By killing four people.

This time, I didn't stop the bile. I dropped the pipe as I fell to the sandy beach and threw up. ‘What a glorious start to a cape life, am I right?’ I threw up again when the burning man finally stopped moving and the smell of cooked pork filled the air.

I gasped and then sucked in a deep breath, held it, and then exhaled slowly. I did this three times before I pushed myself off of the ground and stood back up.

Yeah. This was a mess. There were two burning bodies and two more brutalized bodies. I couldn’t be found here with them.

Capes aren’t supposed to let their cape identities be revealed unless they were dumbasses named “New Wave.” Staying here would put some serious spotlight on me. If it wasn’t for being your average high schooler beating up four armed gangsters, then it would be for the suspicious burnings.

The Empire would not take kindly to my attack and would try to coerce me into their ranks.

Like hell was I going to-.

…

…

Wait.

I’m a World of Warcraft gamer.

… Can I even die?

I shook my head with enough force to make me dizzy. ‘Think about existential crisis later, Greg.’ Ah, I was referring to myself as Greg instead of Alan. Did that mean that I wouldn’t go back to my old world? I mean, I did -.

I took in a deep breath and started walking away.

-VB-

I… wanted to check up on my old family.

So I opened a portal to my old room and …

There was someone there.

It was me.

He noticed me and turned to look at me.

“... Holy shit, someone with an actual superpower.”

Yeah, that sounded like me.

“Umm. I’m you.”

“... Bro, I am not chubby.”

I looked down and then back up with a glare. “I am not chubby.”

“Let’s agree to disagree,” he said cautiously before smiling. “Prove that you’re me.”

“We remember none of our passwords.”

“Where do we keep them?”

“Paper.”

“Good enough. Can’t believe you even got the misdirection right.”

“I really am you. Do I need to tell you how we almost fucked up on one of our college applications?”

“I’m fine, thank you,” he grimaced with a small blush before settling down. “So … I guess I can agree that either you are a mind reader or really me.”

I sat down on my side of the portal. I was somewhere comfortable but also dirty, so I didn’t want to dirty our … his room.

“Yeah.”

We spent a bit of time in silence.

“Ah, fuck. Was coming back home your back up?”

I nodded.

“Shit. I mean, I know that you can come over, right? If you are really me, then I really doubt you’ll do anything bad, at least not without a good reason. So portal’s your power?”

I smirked before telling him.

“BULLSHIT!”

I laughed, and it was a good one. Unfortunately for me, I already made the choice. I wouldn’t be coming back, not when I wasn’t even the original me.

The two of us just enjoyed having someone to talk to, but it was time for me to go soon.

“... You’re not coming back.”

I snorted. “Of course.”

“Why?”

“... This body’s parents got killed.”

“Ah, fuck. How did that happen?”

“Fire.”

He winced.

“What does that have to do with…? Siblings?”

“Dead with parents.”

“Fuck. But -.” He paused. “Third party?”

“Nope. Firefighters couldn’t get to my apartment fast enough because of gangsters.”

He looked at me. Really looked at me. He noticed something in my left hand and I looked down. There was blood on the corner of my sleeve.

“What, not going to judge me?” I asked him.

He shook his head. He looked melancholic. “You’re me. I don’t think I can.”

I snorted. “Thanks.” I paused. “Goodbye.”

He smiled. “Stay happy.”

I closed the portal, leaving me alone.

Alone, poor, and stranded.

But it also meant that I had nothing to hold me back.