The Lazy Lord 5: Lazy Harder (Patreon)

The Lazy Lord
Chapter 5: Lazy Harder

-VB-

Despite my removal of Bakuda from the ABB, a gang war broke out regardless!

Seriously, this city was crazy, but I couldn’t decide if it was stupid crazy or crazy stupid.

Because wasn’t it like one week ago that killed Eidolon so quickly that no one could help? This fact shouldn’t have disappeared from people’s heads so soon, right?

I mean, I did kill the “strongest” parahuman on Earth.

Right?

… So why did I have a loud bunch of assholes shooting and killing right outside my tower?

-VB-

Daniel ducked behind the armored van the Empire loaned out to him and his friend for the operation.

They were supposed to be putting down the fucking chinks! With the asian dragon gone, this should have been an easy sweep up!

But no~!

The Merchants decided they wanted a piece of the action, and the addicted fucktards decided to attack them in the back!

“Fucking braindead idiots!” he screamed as bullets pinged off of the van. Huddled with him were his friends, all of whom were holding their guns right and barrels pointed away while under cover. “Of all the goddamn places, the druggies had to pick a fight right outside the wizard’s tower, huh?!”

The nickname popped up before Eidolon got shanked by the mysterious and if somewhat laidback owner of the tower.

Everyone saw the goddamn video. Everyone saw Eidolon die and the tower’s owner get more Eidolon’s power.

Kaiser made it his explicit command, ordering everyone to steer clear of the tower and its inhabitants at all cost.

Wasn’t it the fucking same for the Merchants?!

When the shooting died down, Daniel looked to the others. “Now!”

They jumped out of cover and began shooting the Merchants’ position. A few of the druggies took the shots and died on the spot, but more than half got to their own covers pretty quickly.

“We have to get out before the wizard comes!” he shouted to his friends, and they nodded. They moved to enter the van hurriedly, but the Merchants saw that they were attempting to retreat, and fired at them. “Oh, fuck off!” he shouted as he pulled up his pistol and fired the last two shots in the magazine. Shouting in frustration, he jumped into the back of the truck and quickly pulled out the spent mag for a new one attached at his hip.

He fumbled for a second, his heart pounding as bullets hit the van and some punched right through the thin aluminum walls.

“Fucking do something! Dri-!” he shouted towards the driver, and then froze. The driver sat in his seat, equally frozen, as both of them stared towards the entrance of the tower where a man was walking out.

Red skinned, faceless except for his lips, and snarling.

“Oh shit,” the driver muttered as he shoved the keys into the ignition. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit-!” he sobbed as he turned on the engine.

The engine sputtered.

“No, no, no turn on, damn it!” he wailed as others finally caught onto what was happening.

“Oh fuck-!”

“Johnny, start the fucking van already!”

“I’m trying, you assholes! It’s not turning-!”

Daniel felt it before he saw it. A force latched onto him and the van and the rest of the crew, and one moment, they were on the ground, and in the next, they flew away. He screamed as the van spun in the air, and he held dearly to the built-in handle. The van’s rear doors flipped open and close from how fast they were moving, and then-!

The entire van crashed into something. Something wet-?

“Water! Get out!” Daniel shouted even as his head spun from the crash. Somehow, he didn’t die from the crash. He knew better than most - being a former straight A college student - about how easily human bodies can fail. A crash that fast should have killed him and his entire crew, even if they landed in water.

But they were alive, and swam as fast as they could away from the sinking van.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck-!” Johnny sobbed as they all got on land. “It’s the fucking wizard! We angered the wizard-!”

Daniel growled as he stomped up to Johnny with his wet clothes dragging him down, and then slapped the man over the head. “Get a hold of yourself, you idiot! We’re alive, aren’t we-?!”

SCREEECCCHHHH

His head shot up, and he paled when he saw a satin psychedelic crack in the sky and people - Merchants?! - get flung into it. Somewhere behind him, he heard splashes that coincided with exactly how many people got flung into it.

“STAY QUIET AND STAY OUT!”

Daniel winced when the crack in the sky closed with a thunderous slam, and left everyone - Empire and Merchants alike - a little skittish. He saw the Merchants swim up to the shore, but both groups hesitated to fight.

They were only two hundred yards away from the tower. If they started shooting again…

“Come on,” he grumbled. “Let’s go report to the boss. At least none of us are going to die.”

“Y-Yeah,” Johnny muttered as he quickly stood up along with the others, and they admittedly ran away.

Daniel sighed.

Johnny and the others wouldn’t have to talk with the boss, but he would. They were his crew, and so he was responsible for their expenditure and income.

And losing a van loaned out to them…

Yeah, the boss was not going to be happy.

“Fucking hell, today sucked. Asshole Merchants choosing to fucking attack us in front of the wizard…” he growled and continued to rant until he met with the boss, still wet and now tired.

It didn’t help when the boss laughed in his face. Something about being unlucky as fucking hell.

“Fucking Merchants.”

-VB-

Honestly, I was tempted to kill all of them, but that would just get the PRT on my back again. As much as they were scared, they knew that I wouldn’t just willy-nilly shoot all messengers. Eventually, one of them would convince me to listen, yadda yadda yadda.

Yeah, so I tossed them into the bay and let them swim back, and then made my displeasure known quite loudly.

By the time I was back in the tower, Jessica was on my computer, browsing through … PHO. Hmm, what did she want to see in that forum?

She turned to me with wide eyes. “You killed Eidolon?!”

“He pissed me off. Didn’t I already tell you?”

“I thought you were joking!”

“Well, I did. Got half of his power, too. Why?”

“Shit. You don’t realize what kind of hornet’s next you’ve kicked, right?”

“... No? What hornet’s nest? The government? I can nuke them, and I am fairly certain I can survive that. I can even toss you into a separate dimension since I do want to keep my pussy safe.”

She blushed a little. “No! I’m talking about the country, you idiot!” she snapped, a bit of her older attitude sifting through the shock. “Eidolon, he’s - he’s…!” Words failed her. “Look, you know Eidolon has been around for a long time, right?”

“Yes?”

“How many people do you think will get angry over his loss?”

“A lot, I assume.”

“And you told me about how powers push people to fight, right?!”

“... Oh.”

“Yeah, the government is going to back off because they see this giant nuclear warhead in their backyard, but the little guys - the people? - aren’t! They’re just going to see this guy who killed Eidolon and a lot of them aren’t right in the head, just like I was!” she ranted and then stopped before dropping her face into her hands. “God, I can’t believe I was about the EMP the entire east coast…”

I nodded slowly. “Okay, maybe killing Eidolon wasn’t the best idea.”

“You think?”

“Fine, it was a bad idea, but I’m the new Eidolon now.”

“... You don’t get it, do you? Aside from your clam farm, sex, more sex, and ignoring the world, you don’t really get it. You really don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“Things aren’t quiet right now because you killed Eidolon-”

“There’s a gang war in the city.”

“That’s the Empire trying to consolidate their power before heroes, rogues, and villains come to this city! What do you think Eidolon was doing half the time in Houston? He was defending the city from would-be Eidolon Killers!”

“... Huh. I didn’t think about that.”

She punched me in the face, and then bounded away screaming in pain.

“So what do you think is going to happen?” I asked my smart woman, and it felt like a good decision to depower her and fuck her, because Bakuda without the power and conflict drive was a pretty smart lady.

“You better prepare for a war right off the bat,” she snapped as she glared at me while cradling her hand.

I frowned. I didn’t want to waste time in war or fighting.

Hey, I know!

If Eidolon doesn’t stay dead, then people wouldn’t come after me, right?

So all I had to do was bring him back to life.

“Stay here,” I told her as a good plan came to me. “I’m going to go and resurrect Eidolon.”

Jessica stared at me uncomprehendingly. “What?” she uttered before she reached out towards me. “No, that’s a terrible idea!”

“Don’t worry! It’ll be fine!”

And then I switched out some powers with my and the original Eidolon’s power slots. A power to bring Eidolon’s body to me… check. A power to repair damages to his body… check. A power to keep him from going on a rampage… check. A power to send him back… check. Sweet!

“Alright, step one!” I said proudly before snapping my finger.

Eidolon’s unmasked body popped into existence right in front of me.

Jessica stared at the body and then at me.

“Step two!”

The pale corpse’s damages, both meant to keep the body from rotting and from me, sealed themselves, leaving nothing but bare skin.

“Step three!” I said and placed my hand over his face. “Eidolon, come back to life.”

When I pulled my hands away, Eidolon - David - fluttered his eyes as he woke up.

“Step four!” I snapped my finger. Eidolon disappeared from sight… and in the distance, I heard a splash. “Sweet!”

Jessica dropped her hands into her hands, and she sobbed.

“Don’t worry! I’ll just do some research with … one of my powers to make our tower unnoticeable and untargetable!”

“You’re a goddamn Stranger, too?!”

-VB-

A/N: Laziness isn’t just lazing on top of a bed (having sex near constantly), not doing anything about your appearance (the tower), tossing problems away and not dealing with it (the gangsters), or thinking that a single solution will solve the problem (magecraft Bounded Field modification to make the tower and its location undeterminable); it is also not properly thinking things out and planning for the future (killing Eidolon, being told its not a good thing for him, and resurrecting him because he can).

Notice how resurrecting Eidolon doesn’t solve “people coming to challenge the strongest guy there is” problem.