black holes: a january update [pt. 1] (Patreon)

Hello, my strange and wonderful patrons!  

I fell into a black hole of colliding deadlines after you last heard from me. 

I've almost done the impossible and climbed back out now (or through...? maybe this is a new universe I'm heading towards, rather than back towards my original one...)!

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm close. The small pile of digital "hey...haven't seen you online in a while...you ok?"s has been growing, though. I've let them accumulate to the point where now it feels like an impossible task to even open texts or emails, so ... here's the start of a (long overdue) update:


- - - TOURNELLE DU SOLEIL - - -
First –importantly– I promised you all a return to TOURNELLE DU SOLEIL instalments in the first week of the new year and it is now (checks watch) the third week of January. APOLOGIES.  I haven't forgotten, it is not abandoned, and I'm very grateful for the messages of encouragement a few of you have sent me about what you've enjoyed about the series so far. It's boosted my spirits a bit and giving me the push I need to dive in up to my elbows in that text again so that your morning instalments can resume shortly!


- - - THE BOOK - - -
I am pleased to be able to triumphantly tell you that the proof for SLOW CIRCUS: BARBETTE is officially DONE. It has been reviewed and pre-approved by my printer (YAY) (THANK GOD).

The pre-order was a resounding success. Despite running it for less than half the time of the SLOW CIRCUS: VACUUM pre-order, 170 pre-orders came through. I'm thrilled, and this success is allowing me to roll the dice on printing a higher quantity of softcover backstock so I can dip my toes in consignment sales at some bookstores and art galleries across Canada (big kid book moves!).

• What's next?
  I'm now in a two to two-and-a-half week holding pattern while I wait to receive a proof copy of the book (in both hardcover -- your limited editions! and softcover). I'll make a video when I get my grubby little mitts on that proof copy for the first time so we can all share in the thrill (or terror) of reviewing all 92 pages of it together (sometime in February).
  
• What've you been doing these past few weeks then...?
  Since I last wrote you, the SLOW CIRCUS: BARBETTE pre-production process ballooned outward and consumed my every waking second. I was trying valiantly to meet the (unrealistic) deadline I set for myself of having that proof approved and sent off for the test print copy by January 5th. (Obviously, I didn't make that self-imposed deadline.)
  
  Since Christmas, I've been pulling 16 hour, 17 hour, and a couple truly terrible 18 hour days. The focus of my world narrowed spectacularly in response to the ever-expanding avalanche of multiplying book-tasks:
  
  It was a longer book than I thought I was writing (oops) (are we surprised?) (of course not).
  Much of the material I'd been gathering and preparing over the last year ended up on the cutting room floor (didn't have the right tone, or scope, for this book). I found myself grappling with a 60,000 word manuscript and still feel like I have left so much out (how? HOW.) It was a more involved editing process than I anticipated. There was new software to be wrestled with. Four photographers to coordinate with. Interviews were conducted and transcribed. Some had to be translated, too. Readers and copy editors and designers with shifting schedules.
  
  There were some other just plain silly oversights that added yet more sand in the gears, too. For example: in Canada, the only way to receive an ISBN [the little barcode on the back of your book] [you need one] is to apply to the National Library and Archives, be given an account as a publisher, and request an ISBN. It takes them up to 10 business days to review applications.
  
  Guess who forgot to submit their application until January 9th? Yeah. This guy. (*facepalm*)
  
  Death by a thousand tiny cuts.
  
  In the end – it's done. (and it has an ISBN on the back, thank you very much!)

- - - ME - - -
To conclude with a moment of honesty (I might be writing this more for me than anything else, but what the heck), I'm  struggling a little with the weight and volume of everything going on in my life at the moment. Most of it is neutral or good (that's wonderful! I'm trying to be positive about that). But I'm still overwhelmed. I've had the volume up way too high, for way too long.

It's a gift to be able to sustain focus and energy and output on my projects the way that I can. It burns so hot that it hurts me sometimes, though. There is always a price to pay when the party is over. There's always a comedown.

I'm paradoxically yearning for –and dreading– the rest that will be waiting for me later in February or March. Re-entry into some semblance of work-life balance after these intense hyperfocus benders I go on is... bumpy. No matter how much I try to plan for it. No matter what systems of support I put in place for myself. It's just rough. And it might take a while.

I've been at this point before in the past, in varying or similar degrees. I know that I need time to slow down, and breathe, and nap, and reflect. I feel full of so many feelings that I don't have names for, can't recognize the shapes of. I don't have time yet to slow down and sit with them and figure out what they are. I know that when that moment arrives, it'll be mixed in with frustration and guilt that I've "let this happen again".  Let my life become so completely taken over with a project that every single other thing drops away: messaging my family; feeding myself; taking care of my home; training; answering emails; going outside; and so many other things that I feel messy, conflicted feelings about.

One of the themes to ponder when I finally reach that sweet, painful moment of repose:

(a) Should I be trying to stop myself from doing things this way again in the future? (I've tried so many times before; why would an umpteenth time be different? What if this is just who I am, how I am?); or,  

(b) is there some yet-unthought-of system, buffer, guide-rails that I might be able to put in place in my life to help temper the extremities out of these cycles of possession by my art demons (angels?) (jury is out) (except, I feel like I've been aware of this tendency of mine, these cycles, for years and have actively been trying to stop doing things this way for years...and clearly not succeeding at that–even with autism & adhd mindfulness, awareness, and treatment strategies in place); or

(c) should I just romanticize my life, lean into accepting these extremely intense artistic/production highs and lows, ride the ups, plan for the downs? Stop fighting it? Go old school with it and accept that this is the reward –and cost– of being in the world in the way that I am? (sometimes I feel like the way that sad 19th century writers philosophized and made sense of their existences resonates more with me, is a more soothing balm to me, than all the neoliberal-individual-responsibility-for-optimizing-your-mind-and-body-coded-as-catchy-instagram-graphic-self-care-suggestion media that our collective brains and eyeballs have been soaked in for the last 10 years online...anyone else? maybe I just need to go to bed. I'll circle back to this sometime).


- - - HOUSEKEEPING - - -
Since I still have deadlines and tasks remaining (less; and less intense; but nonetheless present) I'm managing my energy as best I can, and taking rest where I can find it!

Social media has totally dropped off for me and remains quite low on my priority list for the time being. It's going to stay that way for a little bit longer, I think. Not enough bandwidth yet.

I'm also probably not going to be in a place where I've got the energy or time yet to reply to some of the lovely messages and emails some of you have sent me. That will probably also be true for the next month or so at least. I love reading them; they brighten my day; and I don't want you to think that I don't see them or don't appreciate them.

(a new idea to try:
If you're thinking of writing me, if you add a little note that you don't expect a response to your message that might help me keep working towards dropping the pressure on my 'Overwhelm' gauge over the coming weeks; my brain sees message & emails and immediately stress-dissociates about not having time or bandwidth to reply meaningfully or appropriately.)

(and, for my neurodiverse / autistic / adhd patrons – to be very specific:
Writing me advice, or what you think I should do, or offering long story-mirroring about similarities in your own life -- are things have historically added to these messy and overwhelmed type feelings I'm having at the moment.  I personally also love to show care towards people in my life by trying to help them – but writing me things in the vein of those three themes would have the opposite desired effect on me (as in, would do the opposite of help me) at the moment. As an alternative gentle guide / suggestion, things more along the lines of either [i] something you've enjoyed in my writing (zines, Tournelle du Soleil), or [ii] if you're excited about Slow Circus, or [iii] want to write some words of encouragement, or share a beautiful poem or paragraph of literature or prose with me -- that's all in the 'safe zone' for my brain and heart at the moment ❤️ Thank u ❤️).

(I'm still planning on slowly answering the emails & message you've sent me; it might literally take me until early spring, though) (😵‍💫)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Thank you all for your support for the LE NUMÉRO BARBETTE project, the SLOW CIRCUS: BARBETTE book, your patience, your enthusiasm ❤️ I'm a little too exhausted to be excited right now but ... I'll get there!

I've got more to tell you before we leap back into TOURNELLE DU SOLEIL.

SLOW CIRCUS: BARBETTE is done – but something else has started that's going to be shaping my life for the next couple months. You'll get a "part 2" update from me by the end of the weekend.

Thank you for being here.  
Thank you for supporting my work.  
Thank you for riding these waves with me.

Stay strange and wonderful --

XO s