[46] TOURNELLE DU SOLEIL • HOTEL • JUNE 1, MORNING OF SHOW (Patreon)

I wake up to a new message from Matthew:

“Just wanted to say a BIG congratulations on last night's run. I don’t know how you felt, but you looked seriously strong. The act was gorgeous. Congrats friend. Very impressed by your work ethic and your aura when you perform. It was really something incredible to see. See you a little later! Again great job :)”

How did I feel? my brain repeats.

How did I feel?

Awful.

How did I feel?

Not good.

How did I feel?

Stressed.

Looked strong. Gorgeous. Impressed. Aura. Incredible.

My brain dismantles the message right away, a vulture picking over bones. Are those words that a director uses when they think you did a bad job and need a confidence boost so that you don’t fuck it up for the real show? I’ve seen it happen on film and TV sets countless times before. Why would circus be different? Matthew’s got a job to do. He’s doing it well. But I can’t stop trying to look behind some (possibly imaginary) curtain.

I didn’t feel strong yesterday. I felt like a mess.

My mind flashes back to hot tears starting to pull the glitter off my cheeks on the darkened backstage steps last night, under the massive LED screen, convinced that I’d fucked it up–

Wait.

No.

That’s not what we do on show day. How about you try taking it at face value. And, let’s not be so negative right first thing in the fucking morning, eh?

I get up and pour myself a glass of water. Things hurt. What else is new? I try to ignore it.

I sip the water. Notice the coolness tracing a line down my throat. I take a slow, steadying breath. Notice the gentle stretch of my ribcage. Try to be the coach for myself I need in this moment.

Now, what would you say to Matthew if you had to reply to that message and not look like you were fishing for compliments? You’d need to say something that doesn’t communicate insecurity about tonight; gotta continue being a strong team member.

What would I say?

I guess … something like…

‘Last night felt like a bit of a scramble but I learned some important things that’ll make the show go even better tonight. And I can’t wait to get up there and do it again’.

I realize this is true.

Not letting myself think so harshly about it actually makes it possible to see I did learn things I needed to learn as someone who is incredibly green to a production like this. And that I actually do think it will go better tonight.

Get your ass dressed, get a coffee, and get your ass to the venue for notes. Let’s GO.

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Your next instalment of Tournelle du Soleil arrives tomorrow at 7am EST / 1pm CEST!

Until then, stay strange and wonderful - XO, ess