[41] TOURNELLE DU SOLEIL • VENUE, BROOKLYN • May 29, AFTERNOON (Patreon)

It’s time to run the choreo with the 8” heels on. I’m nervous.

Will my knee hold? Will it feel fine at first and swell up after? Argh…

I take a few tentative steps, hyper-aware that all the other artists, all the other directors, coordinators, creatives, can (and might be) watching me. Seems okay.

And it is. I make it through the choreography largely okay. Even with the brace on, a dull hot pain starts to radiate up my thigh from my knee, slowly. The floor in this section of the basement is poured concrete. There’s nowhere to sit. We run the choreo again. And again. And again. It’s not something I’d notice under normal circumstances. But this isn’t normal for me.

Both knees ache by the time I’m pulled out of the group for a fitting in the next room. At least I’m not limping.  I’m happy for this small reprieve. Quieter space. Less humans. My only job is to stand there, very still, as the costumers make their teeny tweaks.

Today, Mindy is wearing a sweater with Disney villain-queens illustrated in the style of Vogue fashion drawings. VOGUE is printed across the top. Her eyes are warm and friendly behind thick-framed black glasses. She seems happier than she did when I last saw her in Montréal. Antoine and Genevieve seem more relaxed. Makes me more relaxed, too.

The costumes –already impressive in Montréal– are spectacular now in their finished forms.  We start on a final adjustment of all the tubes and loops of the opening look’s white dress.

“You know they’d never seen something like that before,” Mindy says to me out of nowhere. She’s holding her hand out for another pin from the ready-and-waiting Antoine. “Everyone was so excited.”

“What do you mean?” Did I just dissociate through the first half of a conversation…?

“At Cirque. Everyone was amazed because they’d never seen anything like it before.”

Mindy pulls and pins lengths of tubing exactly how she wants it, layering them on top of the nearly-finished garment. I stare down at her with what must be the blankest face. I’m so lost.

“Your tower latex act. VACUUM.”

“OH.” I pause, processing. “That’s… that’s wonderful,” I say honestly. I knew people had  liked it. Matthew himself had been such a strong supporter of it. 'Never seen it before', though? At Cirque? I try to let that sink in.

“That’s got to be a hard thing to do at this point, I guess,” I say quietly.

Mindy makes a sound of affirmation around the pins in her mouth.

Wish that’s what I was doing in this show, my brain adds unhelpfully as we finish up the fitting. I'd feel so much more confident.

I vacillate between anxiety and calm confidence through the rest of the day.

I try to take deep even breaths and remind myself that I’m here; that I got the job. That I might not be the technical best but that I’m still a good performer. That I don’t need to be shy in front of these other artists.  

It’s hard to remember much today besides the choreography. I massage my leg nervously.
Is the memory stuff a pain thing? Do I think I’m okay but in reality I’m just compartmentalizing a physical sensation that would read as painful under some other circumstance…?

The day’s rehearsal ends. The creatives scatter to the winds. Some of the artists head off in taxis to take advantage of Manhattan restaurants a short ride away.

I walk slowly to a Thai restaurant that’s on the way back to the hotel to grab some takeout. The neighbourhood is livening up for the evening.

The setting sun paints the tall brick facades of Williamsburg with a golden glow. Metal grates leading to underground cellars or walkways are open, waiting for someone to trip or fall in, like a 90s comedy. Folks are barbecuing on teeny little grills on the sidewalk. Every fourth woman seems to be walking around in a variation of white or cream wide-leg satin pants. The air is just beginning to cool.

I’m just eager to get back to my room to decompress and lay down. Then I realize that I haven’t stretched in days. God damn it.  By the time night falls, I drag myself down to the hotel gym.

Physio for my hamstring tendons. Physio for my knees. Physio for my neck. Warm up warm up warm up. Bridge. Forearm stand. Contortion handstand. Lift up the spine with the abs. Bring the hips over the head. Press the fingers strongly into the ground to counterweight it. My body remembers the way. Yes. Okay.

I smile.

Time to cool down. Go to bed.

Last rehearsal day tomorrow.

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Your next instalment of Tournelle du Soleil arrives tomorrow at 7am EST / 1pm CEST!

Until then, stay strange and wonderful - XO, ess