[37] TOURNELLE DU SOLEIL • BROOKLYN, HOTEL • May 28, EVENING (Patreon)

I walk back to the hotel alone. I’m kicking myself.

Should’ve asked him for a private moment. Shouldn’t have crammed it in on the streetfront where I could be interrupted.  My stomach sinks a little. Does it look like I was trying to hide this from production? He didn’t look mad. Was he angry? His face looked more concerned than anything. But what if he’s just got a really good poker face?

I could twist over that all night. I shake my head, pushing through the revolving door of the hotel into the lobby.

I write Matthew a followup text on WhatsApp:

<< hey – it was a bit of a jumble there as S––– and K––– walked up there, so I wanted to write you a quick follow-up here and reiterate that I’m physically ready for everything tomorrow, have reviewed the choreo we set during workshop week, and don’t think it presents any problem for the one specific range of motion I need to avoid for a few more days. And, as you said, I’ll stay in communication about it with you if necessary to make sure everything is a success this week.

I hope the way I approached this / handled this was appropriate.  I was unsure about when the right time to communicate this was (and who the right people to tell were…?). I didn’t want to add any confusion or uncertainty to the workload dI assumed was ongoing for you with this project in the interim between workshop week and this week by telling you about it before I’d calmed down and gotten some answers from a doctor.

Since it happened after workshop week concluded and I didn’t have any definitive answers as to what had happened or results from imaging until a couple days afterwards ––at which point it had stabilized a lot from me doing the basics with ice and rest and compression and all that– and my local Toronto physio said that he thought I’d be okay to do the work–– I thought it was best to hold off until I had clear answers in terms of my capacity. It’s a first for me to have had this happen / a new weird thing for my body to have done, so I was on a learning curve with it myself, too.

I hope this didn’t add another layer of stress to an already challenging project; and if there was a better way to have approached this situation I would love to hear it so that I can improve my communication in future.

See you bright and early tomorrow – looking forward to Day 1 >>

I hope it’s the right thing to do.

I wash my face. Lay out my clothes for the next day. The train rattles by on the Williamsburg bridge, a clattering wave that fades in and fades out as it rushes on towards Manhattan.

Matthew doesn’t reply.

I forgot my toothbrush.

Fuck.

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Your next instalment of Tournelle du Soleil arrives tomorrow at 7am EST / 1pm CEST!

Until then, stay strange and wonderful - XO, ess