[17] Tournelle du Soleil (Patreon)

For years leading up to my decision to begin taking testosterone, I tolerated violent, clockwork emotional rollercoasters that were clearly tied to my monthly hormonal cycle.

My doctor diagnosed me with PMDD.

While I don’t want to have kids, having a hysterectomy –a major abdominal surgery– didn’t (and doesn’t) feel like an option either. I already feel like I got extremely lucky with my top surgery recovery and returning to training. I don’t want to take the time out of my circus career to have and recover from a major abdominal surgery. Hormonal birth control was not an option for me. 

The remaining responses to ‘hey, this monthly hormone cycle makes me want to ruin every relationship in my life and/or kill myself like clockwork every 4 weeks’ was not to refer me to an endocrinologist or to order bloodwork. No, no, no.  Guess again.

(*politely waits*)

Did you guess anti-depressants?

Good job.

So instead, I tried three years on Welbutrin.

A norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor.

The Welbutrin worked great – until it didn’t.

On one particularly weepy, distraught follow-up appointment where I once again expressed being at my wit's end, my doctor gently brought up a new option.

"You could try a low dose of testosterone to see if it lightens how difficult your periods are."

I'd thought about hormone therapy before – for sure.

Muscles? Great. Body fat redistribution? Yes, please. Lower voice? That would be kind of cool. Body hair and facial hair? I was more uneasy about that. No more periods? Meh – I was used to ... tolerating them. Bottom growth? I didn't even want to think about it* (*remember this part later).

“Everyone responds to it differently,” my doctor said after we’d reviewed all the physical changes that come with starting hormone therapy. “Some of my patients don’t see a reduction or stopping of their periods for up to 2 years. For others it’s one of the first things they see happening. If you decide to stop taking it, depending on how long you take it for, some of those changes might revert back, while others will be permanent.

"You have to feel okay with all the other changes we discussed happening, and with them being permanent. I know you’re non-binary and not a trans man, but if the idea of potentially masculinizing a bit more coming along with the territory of helping with the periods issue sounds like an acceptable situation for you, it might give you some relief.”

I sat quietly for a few minutes.

If you end up looking like a man but don't want to kill yourself or rage-quit all the important relationships in your life every thirty days, that would be something that psychopharmaceuticals in every other flavour imaginable have yet to achieve for you over a lifetime of effort, so ...

My uncertainties or vanities about my appearance would pale in contrast to the stability I was desperately hoping for. And hey, if it didn't work, I'd just add it to the list – like everything else I'd tried for the last decade of mental health crises, forced hospitalization, and suicide attempts.

Fuck it, I finally thought. I’ve tried everything else. I can’t keep living like this. If it helps, it’s worth it.

“I'd like to try it.”

My first trip through puberty wasn't exactly great.

Maybe this could be a do-over?

I was about to find out.

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Your next instalment of Tournelle du Soleil lands at 7am EST / 1pm CEST. Until then, stay strange & wonderful -- XO, ess