[14] Tournelle du Soleil (Patreon)

CW - today's instalment mentions body image, disordered eating, transition

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• 15 May 2023 • Day 1 at Cirque IHQ: First Fitting, continued •

Genevieve passes the maillot over to Anton, who then hands it to me. It's a very small garment.

I look at it with a mixture of fascination and horror once the changing curtain has been drawn shut behind me. This outfit is essentially a halter-top swimsuit. It’s mostly power mesh, with slim silver appliqués and strings here and here strategically placed over my chest and pelvis where a thong would go.

I wiggle into the costume and assess the situation.

I’d briefly seen drawings of this look in previous conversations with Matthew, the director – but that had been back when I thought I was going to be inside my latex vacuum tower. By nature, my vacuum tower obscures much of my body when I'm inside it: the latex walls close in around me and section off parts of me from clear view, depending on where I orient my body within the volume inside. Even when the tower is at full suction –the latex is extra transparent as it's stretched tightly over me– you can't see everything.

The costumes part of this adventure hadn’t flagged in my mind as anything to think much about.

That was changing now.

I’m going to look like a linebacker in a Victoria’s Secret runway look in this thing, I think to myself.

Well – hope that’s what the client is into.

Think positive. At least you got waxed last weekend for that other gig?

Okay – they’re going to be wondering what’s taking so long.

Rip the bandaid off, buddy. Let’s go.

I pull the curtain aside so that Anton can help me do up the clasp at the neck. I look at myself in the mirror as he does so, mentally bracing for seeing myself in the mirror.

The costume itself is beautiful – that’s not what I’m worried about seeing.

My body is strong and healthy – that’s not what I’m worried about seeing.

Nonetheless, a faraway air-raid siren is wailing distantly in my head.

I've done a lot of costume fittings over the years for film and TV gigs. However, since most of the time I was being hired for stunts or creature work, those costumes and outfits were largely designed to offer the kind of coverage that would let me hide stunt pads beneath the shirts, jackets, pants.

I've had plenty of costume fittings during the research and creation process for my straps act – but that was with a costuming team who I had hand-picked selectively after many conversations to establish that we were all on the same page about gender, transition, the aesthetic and technical hopes for the work, and the like. That was my project. I had more control.

A costume fitting at Cirque du Soleil though ... I had been so worried about all the other elements of this contract so far that I hadn't realized that this would be a challenge I probably should've mentally steeled myself for more.

I bring my gaze up from where the mirror on the far wall meets the floor to take in my reflection as Anton begins pinning up the slack in the neck strap. He holds his hand out for safety pin after safety pin from the ready-and-waiting Genevieve.

My brain is sparking off simultaneous warnings: you might not like what you see;  and then, right away, a stern response that ultimately it doesn’t matter because you're here to wear whatever this costuming team deems appropriate for you to wear.

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Your next instalment of Tournelle du Soleil arrives on Monday at 7am EST / 1pm CEST! Until then, stay strange & wonderful - XO ess