Barbette's Skeleton [XIII]: (Patreon)

My dear, strange, and wonderful patrons,

Finally we approach the present day in this stress-drenched retelling (it didn't need to be stressful, but I made it that way, didn't I?) (classic.)

Per the conclusion of the previous instalment, after the last correspondence I had with The Producer (end of August 2022), I was determined to do everything within my power to try to have some video to send him before the end of the 2022 calendar year. 

I was whipping myself towards self-set deadlines that felt crushingly tall with the time remaining to me, and immovably rigid. 

I'd decided I needed to film excerpts from the act on December 16th and that I'd invite some peers to a process-showing on December 20th.*

*(before you ask me, What's the rush? Why not the 2025 Festival? – there is an age limit for this Festival: 25 years of age. Exceptions are made conditionally – like if you've changed disciplines late in your career, if the discipline you train takes many years to master, if you're a base/porter and it's necessary to be a mature, full-grown adult for the health of your body, etc. I'll be far beyond that cut-off age when I apply in October 2023. There are more and more people doing aerial straps. Who knows what'll have happened (or not happened) with my film/TV career by then: if I land a big project, that degree of interruption is incompatible with my current work. My window of opportunity is small and shrinking all the time.

Yes, at the end of this whole project I'll have something I'm incredibly proud of, regardless of whether I get it into the Paris Festival or not; but we don't achieve big goals by just hoping they happen.)

"I'm not going to throw away a year of work by not giving everything I've got to try to reach these deadlines," I told myself, told my partner, told my friends. 

I'd need to pull together placeholder costumes; I'd need to adjust my technique to the high, orbiting cable point in the ENC studios that I'd had minimal access to; I'd need to finalize and distill and bring out the essence of each of the characters –Homme, Ballerine, Cabaret, Créature– that I'd been trying to flesh out for months; I'd need to practice this with my pullers who I'd been away from; and more. 

Once I've decided something, sometimes it's hard for me to change tracks.

But, of course, things did change:

The costumes remained an accumulation of Pinterest boards and email exchanges between myself and my costume designer, himself unavailable with a death in the family too for ... a still-undetermined amount of time. 

All the drive, planning, sacrifice that you can put towards a dream is still bound up in the reality that the body needs time when it comes to acquiring physical skills. As my conseil artistique, Marie-Josée Gauthier said to me last week: the technique needs time to descend into the body.

My Oma died.

I couldn't sleep.

I was nauseous with anxiety from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until the moment I could distract, dissociate, or self-medicate.

It was clearly unsustainable and I finally reached a rupture. 

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Fuck it, I thought, dragging my laptop toward me. 

On November 27th I wrote The Producer again (English follows):

"Allo [redacted]! J'espère que vous allez bien et que tous le préparatifs du Festival 2023 se passent bien aussi. Mon numéro des sangles pour 'Barbette' progresse. Je suis éxcité.

Je travaille très dur pour avoid quelques court vidéos pour toi bientôt, pour partager l'idée de la numéro, des versions masculin est feminin de Barbette j'ai créer dans le numéro, l'ambiance de la pièce, etc. Mais – j'ai un question de clarification pour toi, j'espère c'est ok ...

J'était espère à avoir mes costumes à cette point pour que je puisse to montrer, mais mon costumièr avait un mort dans la famille. Ces costumes sont importante de l'univers de mon numéro, mais ... sera besoin plus de temps pour préparer, maintenant. C'est possible de vous envoyer quelques vidéo avant la fin Décembre, mais ce serait avec des costumes temporaire. Ou, alternativement, je peux attender à peux-être fevrier ou mars à envoyer quelques vidéo à toi, avec dans l'espoir que ce serait avec les éléments du costume.

As-tu un préférence? As-tu préferes que voir plus tôt que plus tard, avec quelques costumes replaçement je peux trouver, peut être? Ou est-ce que c'est mieux pour attend un peut à avoir vidéo que c'est plus compréhensive pour l'act, plus complète (dans le printemps?)


/// Hello [redacted]! I hope you're doing well and all the preparations for the 2023 Festival are going well too. My 'Barbette' straps number is progressing. I'm excited. I'm working really hard to have some short videos for you, to share the idea of the number, the different masculine and feminine versions of Barbette I've created within the act, the feeling of the piece, etc. But – I have a clarification question, I hope that's alright...

I had hoped to have my costumes by this point, but my costumer had a death in the family. The costumes are important to the universe of my number, but ... I need more time to prepare them, now. It's possible to send you some short videos before the end of December, but it would be with the temporary costumes. Or, alternatively, I can wait until maybe February or March to send some videos to you, with the hopes it would be with the costume elements by then. 

Do you have a preference? D o you have a preference to see sooner rather than later with whatever replacement costumes I can find? Or is it better to wait a bit to have some video that's more comprehensive, more complete, in the spring?

This time the answer came within 10 minutes.

"Oui je pense que c'est mieux d'attendre, même si je suis un garçon très curieux ... Nous sommes tous dans la folie de l'organisation du 42e festival. Et ce sera mieux de l'envoyer plus tard. (Enfin de la montrer aux autres ... qui sont les décideurs) mais à moi tu peux at any time !! Big hugs."

/// Yes I think it's better to wait, even though I'm a very curious boy ... We are in the midst of the chaos of organizing the 42nd festival. And it will be better to send it later. (In the end, it's shown to other ... who are the decision-makers) but to me, you can at any time !! Big hugs."

I stared at my screen, realizations cascading.  Wow, okay – he's not the decision-maker. Would never have known ... Okay so I have to think of it like I'm showing it to a stranger, no matter what. 

But it doesn't need to happen now. Of course they're totally swamped with doing the in-person festival – it's been years since it's happened. 

Nobody would look at my stuff right now anyways, even if I did send it. 

I have time. I have time. I have time. 

My Messenger notifications ping!ed again. Another paragraph, unprompted, from The Producer:

"Alors, Pascal Jacob est très intéressé par le sujet Barbette mais n'oublie pas qu'il est historien du cirque. Le rapport à Barbette doit être très évident mais tu le sais"

/// Listen, Pascal Jacob is very interested in the subject of Barbette, but don't forget that he is a circus historian. The relationship to Barbette must be very evident, but you know that."

I stared at my computer screen, unblinking. I didn't know that. I most certainly did not know that. My brain stuttered. I double-tapped a little "❤️" onto the message as an acknowledgment and shut my laptop. 

Pascal Jacob. 

Shit. 

And promptly started panicking again. 

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To be continued – your next instalment will arrive on December 29th at 7:00pm EST. Until then, stay strange & wonderful - XO, Ess