(Over?)Shooting Your Shot (Patreon)

It was impossible to rein in my thoughts. 

What did he mean, ‘Festival??’?
Did he mean he wants me to submit it to the next year’s Festival?
Why would he say that?
It’s not good enough.
Is it good enough?

Who bloody knows, anyways.
Maybe they’re having trouble getting performers to apply because of the pandemic.
Or, remember? They have guest performers from Festival alumni, maybe that’s what he means.
Or maybe it’s nothing - 
Maybe it’s just him taking interest in whatever old Festival alumni are up to.
That’s probably what it is.
...But what if it’s not?! The part of my brain desperate for external validation of this ridiculously demanding project screamed. WHAT IF IT’S THE FIRST ONE––
Just send it, Ess, I cajoled myself.

And so, I followed up with Jean-Pierre, the Cirque de Demain producer:
<< Yes! A new act! Here, I’ll give you a sneak peek of the trailer >>

A day later, a new message appeared from him in my DMs:
<<Waow I would like to see the whole thing !!! Is this trapeze as Barbette ? >>

<<No, just contortion, unfortunately >> I replied, sensing his familiarity with the source material. This didn’t feel like a good sign; this felt like he wanted it to be an aerial act. Which is confusing – because I thought the trailer made it fairly obvious as to what a viewer could expect from the piece. <<I want to pitch it to the Moulin Rouge and they have no aerial point in their theatre, so I kept it as a ground act for now>>.

I sent along the private link to the full act. It felt far more terrifying than sending the link to the trailer. What if it doesn’t hold up? What if he thinks I haven’t improved since 40eme Cirque de Demain? What if this looks like a step backwards to him? Why didn’t I have harder tricks in it – 

I waited.
And waited.
And waited.

* * * * *

My fellow artist-in-the-trenches, Rachel Strickland, is fond of rejection.

In Rachel’s highly successful Audacity Project, one of the tools she gives other burgeoning artists trying to make their way in the cut-throat worlds we live, work, and entertain in, is the Rejection Punch Card. For every rejection you receive, you get to punch a hole in your card, and once it’s full, you get yourself something nice. Positive reinforcement!

Rejection – and getting over the fear and resistance of facing it down and accepting it in the course of our careers – is crucial to success. Nobody likes it. Everybody needs it. It’s fear of rejection that keeps artists with perfectionist-leaning tendencies from ever making anything at all; it’s unpleasant, but unavoidable. Better to weather these things with grace and levity rather than dread and agonising, no?

The flipside, more-often-discussed version of this that I hear is the “YoU mIsS 100% oF tHe sHoTs YoU dOn’T tAkE” style of grotesque internet positivity.

Both attitudes are useful, and I think I’ve currently settled in a place mentally where I’m pragmatic: “Just go for it; the worst they can say is ‘no’”.

I was apparently seized quite violently by this spirit of rejection last week when – after wallowing in my melancholy for about 3 hours, post-Dorothee-audio-message, and firing off trailers to the producer of one of the most prestigious circus festivals in the world  – I decided to go forth and be bold.

I proceeded to write the director/head producer of the Moulin Rouge, Jean-Jacques Clerico, a 5-paragraph essay in French about why he should consider my act for his revue.

I overdid it a bit.
Laid it on real thick.
But what the hell.

(Warning: further cultural translation of gender identity norms lie ahead; something that merits more writings of its own on the topic in the near future, but for now, behold my self-betrayal in all its contract-begging-glory)

(Final caveat – this is not how I would shoot my shot to a producer that I'd never met; but JJ awarded Troy and me the Prix Moulin Rouge at our year at Cirque de Demain, and seemed quite fond of us when we were there in winter 2019 for our short contract, so I decided to strike out with ... well, a rather familiar tone. ANYWAYS – )

The English translation of my sucking-up is as follows:


JJ, it has been my dream to return to perform at the Moulin Rouge since you gave Troy and I the opportunity almost 2 years ago.  

During this time, a lot has happened in my life and it has allowed me to create new circus work that I think is particularly suited to your wonderful establishment: I have created a new solo contortion act inspired by the famous Barbette, the impersonator and acrobat who delighted the audience at the Moulin Rouge in the 1920s. Since we last saw each other, I've transitioned from female to non-binary; I know it's a little difficult in French to talk about gender identity because of the conjugations, so it's easier to say I've gone from female to male. Mine is the transgender version of Barbette's act, I suppose - and the whole performance is ground-based, as I remember that the Moulin Rouge no longer has an aerial rigging point, as it did in Barbette's time. I appear as a beautiful woman, fully gain the audience's trust in this regard during the act, and at the very end reveal that I am not at all what they thought they were looking at (just as Barbette did).



I have created a short one minute trailer of my new act for your convenience: (link).

The new act is about 8 minutes long. If you are interested in the premise and would like to see the full act, I can send you this video link (of the full act).

My current agent would like to offer my new act to Crazy Horse Paris, as they were interested in my work just prior to the pandemic, as well as the Lido - but I told her that I felt strongly compelled to present my new work to you and the Moulin Rouge first.

We're approaching the 100th anniversary of Barbette's performances at the Moulin Rouge and I think my act is a nice nod to the glamour and whimsy that your cabaret has created for so many decades, with a contemporary twist that might shock and entertain your audience in the most delightful way.

I would like to submit this act as a proposal for one of your summer replacement positions (the shorter contract, as opposed to the longer contract); I remember that the Moulin Rouge often books it's acts many years in advance, but I felt strongly that I should at least check in with you and share my new work.



I look forward to hearing from you and hope you are well, healthy and happy!

* * * * * * *  [ to be continued ]