Determination (Patreon)

Hey everyone. I wanted to let everyone know what's been going on with me lately. I know I am relatively quiet about myself and voicing problems I am having. For me it feels like I'm making excuses or just wining about little things. I suppose though that if these little things are derailing your life then they must not be so little. I took a step back recently to assess why I am being so much slower with my work this year than I was in the previous year. In 2016 I felt that I was getting better about being timely and being generally more and more productive. Normally I look outward for circumstances that may have changed in my life that would effect me, like the loss of a bicycle or a rude room mate making it hard to do certain things beyond an immediate cause and effect. In looking back I found I started declining when I invited my sister back up to my state to stay in the house I was in with her family, so she could get her feet back under her and escape an abusive spouse.

Now this is somewhat out of character for me. My sister may be family and my closest in age sibling, but I've never once in my entire life been able to trust her with anything what so ever. I had hopes that her having children and an apparently successful family life had shown she'd changed from a manipulative, conceited, felonious individual into someone more respectable. It seemed okay at first. She got a job and started helping with rent almost immediately after moving up. Then things started to spiral slowly out of control. I never saw her sober. She would abandon her children with us. And when anyone spoke up to her she managed to get everyone else on her side and remove the person who 'challenged' her as a person.

You may have remembered I moved last December. This is why. I couldn't function as a human being. My life was no longer my own. My home was slowly becoming a prison. I am fortunate that in my life I have made some exceptionally wonderful friends. One offered me a place to rent and I was gone in one day from that old place with anything I could fit into my car. It was nice having peace of mind again. Though after I settled in I started having regular anxiety attacks. I live in the NW United States. The nights during the winter are long and the days are crisp and short here. It took nearly until spring thaw for me to figure out how to cope with it, but until then it was largely crippling me in all manner of ways.

I lost a lot of hobbies I had before after the move as well. I used to have access to a workshop where I could do wood working and all sorts of different crafts. It was therapeutic for me and I didn't even realize how much it helped me function until it was gone. Where I am now I have no space to do most of those old hobbies of mine and the ones I do have space for I do not have the means (Supplies, tools, etc). Not having these extra outlets seems to have effects on my ability to focus and stay motivated. Which leads me to believe I may have other, untreated mental illnesses that make it hard for me to function. I may have something in line with the broad spectrum known as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or perhaps something similar if there is such a thing. It feels difficult to explain to people who have no experience with it since it can just sound like excuses for being lethargic, aimless, and shiftless.

Whatever I have going on in my head space in regards to my ability to focus is frustrating to no end and I am working as hard as I can to find out a solution and means to cope so I can get back to being as productive as before. If I could afford professional help I would pursue that readily and wholeheartedly. So I will do what I can with what I have. I will make my situation work. I have to.

I'm looking at lifestyle changes, new hobbies that I can grab for minimal budget impact, goals to work towards... I may even need to revamp my patreon again to make it easier for me to work with. My backlog for work there is staggeringly backed up. Hopefully I can power through all of my owed things before September ends.

Thank you to everyone who reads through this. I'm sorry to have written such a long journal though I think it was necessary to get all of this out there.

Here's to being productive!