New Years Resolution [Early Access] (Patreon)

[This weeks caption: by Me! But check out last last weeks post that I accidentally posted way too early, and is now updated with an awesome new caption by Misty F. that makes it worth revisiting!]

She had everything prepared, new shoes, fancy ‘wicking’ clothes, and a backpack brimming with high-tech hiking paraphernalia- no expense was spared. After years of new years resolutions comically backfiring; she’d had enough- and this new year would truly see a new Jolina. 

Her hefty investment of hiking swag may look like an impulsive splurge to an outsider, but each and every item was the end result of hundreds of hours of research and deliberation. To top it all off, she had her secret weapon. She had coincidentally run into her old college roomie, who was now doing research as a sports nutritionist; and had smuggled some the hyper-concentrated recovery drink they’ve been working on in the lab. It’s going to be released later that year, anyways- they’re just ironing out the kinks. 

There was no way this could fail, she had done all her homework and developed a schedule of trails to ascend by difficulty. As expected of the first, and easiest trail- it was a piece of cake. With all her fancy gear and snacks; she felt a little silly in how over prepared she was. In the end, she actually ended up having a great time, and really enjoyed the scenery. Despite being less out-of-shape than she feared, her pseudo-runners high was soberingly crushed after showering off the dust at home. Of course you’re not going to immediately lose weight after one hiking trip.. but pinching and pulling in front of the mirror- it almost felt like she had puffed up a little..

The next week gave a surprisingly similar result, it certainly was a longer trail, and it certainly looked steeper.. but she just wasn’t feeling anything. She’d have to take breaks, of course- but after a minute to rehydrate- she felt like she could literally walk it up and down all day. Frustrated, she pushed to the top and back down dissatisfied. The scenery wasn’t as stunning as before, and the whole thing just felt like a big waste of time. To top it off, the lack of exercise was really catching up with her; showering off she was surprised to find her thighs and rear continuing to fatten up- curiously they were the only things putting on weight.. but it was still testament to these trail’s hilariously inaccurate ratings.

That was it, she was skipping to the hardest trail on her list, and if it didn’t make her quit in the first mile- then these trail ratings are bogus. In 3 weeks she had developed quite the figure- I mean, that’s to be expected when you’re not exercising or anything. It felt like her wardrobe was shrinking by the day, each morning she spent more time fighting and hunting for clothes than putting them on, and it was seriously throwing off her routine. 

Thankfully, her new ‘wicking’ shorts were elastic. This final trail definitely looked intimidating, and was clearly on another level in terms of slope and length. She was relieved; finally she had found a ‘real’ trail to exercise with. The first half of the ascent actually made her break a sweat and got her heart pumping .. but, after having lunch and polishing off her first bottle of her friends drink.. the rest was a disappointing walk in the park. She was totally baffled, that all these trails were so pathetic. It really was all just a waste of time. All the gear she spent so much money on seemed like a rip-off; Her shirt was fine, but her shoes were falling apart ,and her shorts were almost translucent, thread-bare already despite only 'enduring' 3 hiking trips! The only thing they ‘wicked’ were the contents of her wallet! What a scam!

Distraught, despite how effortless the trail was, she felt incredibly heavy and slow on the way back down. Turns out that this whole hiking thing was just a waste of time, and just a scheme to sell garbage.. but, even then.. she was determined that this year was going to be different. It’s only January, while this was a major blow to her mental momentum- she wasn’t out of the fight yet. She still had a ready supply of her friends delicious sports-drink.. maybe she should try and join a gym, instead…