a chapter from a previously lost book i was writing (Patreon)

Who exactly are you?

When I say that I created all of these notions people have about me, don’t take that statement lightly, it’s totally true.  I became this, and I lived it out to the fullest.  I grew into this life, but the original sketch is still visible under the years of shading.

It all started with the name, every good superhero has an alter-ego.  There is a shift, a change-over, a moment when you are someone, then you become someone else.  Sometimes it isn’t exactly clear, sometimes it’s shiny and sharp.

For me it was when I became ‘Church’.

Church is not my real name, it might as well be, but it isn’t.  I have been using the Church name for more than 20 years.  It wasn’t my choice, it was given to me, but I have become it quite solidly.  If you’re looking for a way to change, to make a break from the person you no longer want to me.  well Clark... this is how you become Superman.

Before I even left for the Navy I knew things needed to change, I knew that the idea I had of myself had to be different from now on.  I knew what I wanted to be, but I had no idea how I was going to get there.  I just knew a change was coming.

It came when I got to photo-school in Pensacola Florida.

That’s where I met Jeff Cobb.

I’m using jeff’s full name here because there is no other way to talk about him, he’s Jeff Cobb and he’s damn glad to meet you.  He’s Jeff Cob, and you’re going the wrong way, his apartment is this way.   He’s Jeff Cobb and fuck me I’m wrong but doesn’t he know you?

Jeff Cobb was an overpowering force of nature, he was an ex-exotic dancer who decided he wanted to be a Navy photographer.  He was all of 5 foot 5, but he towered over everyone.  He was the most confident man I ever met.

Jeff Cobb was the kind of guy who could walk past a soda machine and two sodas would just fall out.

He was my hero and a very close friend.

Jeff decided on the Church name for me.  Well, actually he decided one day that he was going to start calling Jesus Christ.  He just thought it would be funny to introduce me to girls as his friend, Jesus Christ.  It didn’t go over very well, even Jeff Cobb had his limits, so we adjusted it and he started calling me Church.

It just stuck, it was like a complete instant change-over, from the moment we decided it it was like it had always been there, all of the other students adopted it immediately, all of the instructors, even when they were admonishing me for showing up to muster hung-over called me Church.  Random strangers who we knew for ten seconds, knew me as Church.

It was decided.

I became.

It made everything so much easier, all of the social insecurities I had my entire life just vanished.  We would go out and I felt like I could do no wrong.  I had nothing to fear, because none of what I was before was there now.  I was different, I was a cartoon, and I loved it.

I couldn’t make it go away now if I tried.

I won’t deny it, it has made things easier for me in a lot of ways.  Having a different personality, a fun, outgoing persona pushes you to be someone that people want to know.  It’s like wearing a glitter covered cowboy hat every day, and from the moment I put it on, I have been doing everything I can to fill it up.

These days, everyone has "stripper names", we all become someone else.  Whether it’s a public profile name on facebook, or a nick-name we have at work, we all have so many faces we hide behind now.  It’s become second nature for people to hide their actual identities and become someone better.

I’m responsible for a lot of that among my friends and clients.  Photoshop makes us all better, doesn’t it?  I can watch the confidence shift happen when people see themselves in my pictures for the first time.  Quiet little girls become internet supermodels in a split second, photographers who come to my classes not knowing how to turn on their cameras are scheduling their own classes the very next weekend and teaching everyone else, and in some cases charging more than me.

I’ve created some pretty spectacular monsters, just like Jeff Cobb helped create me.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing, the first step to success is believing in yourself.  You will only succeed if you believe you can succeed.  If you think you will fail you have already failed.  

I celebrate individual evolution.  Run with it, move forward.  Just remember, once you decide to evolve there are so many factors that you now have to live up to.  You can’t make a change then slide backward into the old pond just because it’s easy and warm.  You need to live up to the part you decide to play.

Just becoming Church changed the idea of myself, but it didn’t create me completely, the actual skill, the years of working on what I was trying to be, the failures and the successes made me real, not just the name.  The name just gave me something work with that wasn’t anything that was wrong with who I was before.  Everything I have done with that name since then has made me who I actually am.

You have live it to make it count.

One more Jeff Cobb story, just because it needs to be told.

Sometimes the government messes up.  Most of the time, it isn’t a good thing, every once in a while it is.

This particular time the government messed up in Jeff Cobb’s favor, by overpaying him more than fifteen hundred dollars.  It was totally a clerical error, a fuck up.  But suddenly Jeff had a big chunk of extra money.  His eyes lit up all at once and he looked right at me and said, “Where is Stevie Ray Vaughn playing tonight?”

Jeff was a huge SRV fan, he talked about him all the time, SRV’s music was the soundtrack to Jeff’s life.  Jeff grew up in Austin Texas, so there was always a special kinship with his hometown music legend.

That night Stevie was playing with Eric Clapton in East Troy Wisconsin.  Jeff immediately bought two plane tickets.

Two hours later we were on a plane.

We bought two tickets from a scalper outside the Alpine Valley Music Theater, our seats were horrible, but the show was amazing.  Stevie was on fire, he ruled a set that also included Buddy Guy, and Robert Cray.  Jeff was beaming.  It was amazing.  We left in the middle of Clapton’s set to catch our flight back to Florida, we could have stayed, the flight was delayed almost 2 hours because of heavy fog.

The next morning we were floating above the ground 6 inches, telling everyone of our evening adventure, that is until someone said, “Did you hear what happened?”

After the show Stevie boarded a helicopter with some of Clapton’s crew, they took off into the fog and flew right into a 1000 foot ski hill, killing everyone on board instantly.

Stevie Ray Vaughn was dead.

We had seen his last show.

We were crushed, but secretly amazed at our good fortune, fortune created at the expense of the government error.  Of course Jeff had to pay the money back, but it didn’t matter, some experiences are worth more than money.

I miss you Jeff Cobb.