Some Words (Patreon)

I don't like to talk about my problems, after all they are MY problems, so I thought a lot about whether or not to talk about it. Since I feel that I owe all my followers an explanation, and maybe these words will be useful to someone, here we go: the truth is that I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine for some time now.

At first, I thought it was just laziness. I'm older, I'm lazier. I wish it was just that... but the unwillingness to do anything was just the first symptom. Then came the loss of interest in all the things I used to enjoy. What was once really cool is now boring and uninteresting.

And then came the nostalgia. A huge longing for the old days, which at least in my memories were better times. I was younger, lighter, and happier. No major concerns. More and more memories flooded my mind.

Finally, BLAME. A huge feeling of guilt for all the mistakes I made, for the things I did, for the things I didn't do, and for the things I should have done. I always think I should have been smarter in those situations. When I was younger, I thought I was smart... and now I understand that I was always a big idiot. An idiot against myself. Fortunately, I've rarely been a jerk against other people. One of my mottos has always been “the evil that is with me stays with me”, but it still happened a few times… and, of course, I feel guilty about it too.

All these feelings together make me think I'm a failure. I've wasted my life and there's no going back to try again, as much as I want to. And the feeling of failure makes me wake up every day wondering why I'm still alive. And the darkest part… makes me think of death. When will I die? How? Will I soon find an end to my miserable existence? And frankly, watching many people I admired grow old and die more and more often doesn't help matters.

If you've been following me this far, I think you can already deduce my problem. If not, that's fine... I wasn't even seeing what the problem was. I have DEPRESSION. Me, who was always so excited and happy. But the truth is, it's been incredibly difficult to get excited about doing anything. Even so, I still try… because giving up is not an option. Although I think about my death constantly, I'm too cowardly to do anything.

I don't want to resort to depression medication, because I've heard that the side effects can be as bad as the illness itself. Also, I hate taking medicine. All that's left for me, then, is to wait and police myself. Avoid bad thoughts. Avoid bad feelings. Distract my mind with other activities. Watch videos of Japanese people riding the train or walking around the neighborhood. Assemble a Lego. I don't know, something. Although I have no prospects for the future, I still have a glimmer of hope. Things can get better. The Valley of the Shadow of Death cannot last forever.

As you can surmise, my depression did play a considerable part in my decision to cancel the old version of my comic book project. But not completely. I really wasn't happy with my old script, so I decided to redo everything and cut out all the unnecessary parts. Redo scenes. Change details and characters. I've already finished the new script, and I'm currently doing the layout work for the new pages. It must be a quick job. After this phase, I'm going to start drawing the pages again, and this time I decided to do all the artline first, then go back and do the colors. Thus, those who are more anxious to know the whole story of Zara will be able to quench their curiosity. Those who have more patience will be able to check out the story in full color later.

Then that's it. I want to apologize if I've come across as rude to anyone this past year, it wasn't my intention. I tried to be as polite as possible. I also apologize if this text upset you… but I needed to explain myself.

Finally, I want to say thank you all so much for your patience and understanding. I would have given up already if it weren't for you. Your support is invaluable. I'm not fine, but I'll move on. Giving up is not an option.

I wish you all a Happy New Year. Best 2023 to you!

Nick