"i cannot write music." (Patreon)

two weeks ago, a strange thing began to happen. nearly every time i sat down to work, i felt repulsed by it. the sensation is hard to describe. constricting, claustrophobic, tense. i worked through it, churning out file after file of things i simply wasn't content with. with each new file, the sense of tightness grew, until i could feel it up the back of my spine. my creative thinking and problem solving skills became clouded by nothing. big, empty clouds, obscuring the thought process. eventually, these clouds filled with anxiety and doubt, and then a sinking sensation.

"i cannot write music."

this is an insane thought. since the beginning of the year, i've been writing what i consider some of my most melodically interesting work ever, and suddenly... no? you don't just forget an entire lifetime of learning and experience. i stepped away for a couple days to focus on other aspects of the job and hobby. utilities, archival work, website work, etc. things i had been putting off for similar reasons. they came quickly and easily, as the goal was clear.

so, that's it, i need a goal. i set one. "i would like to write a piece by the end of the day." but, wait, that's not a goal. there's no... direction? what is a piece? ok, brain. a piece that works for this project, with [details i won't disclose yet]. how about that?

"no."

why not? i know what i want, why isn't it happening? in all of these other fields, i can approach with a rule-based system that allows me to get from point A to B mechanically, why can't it happen here?

"because it can't."

my inability to find any reason behind what was happening was foolishly devastating. the clouds obscuring my thoughts became all-encompassing. months of habit building regarding my health started to fall by the wayside. it took twists and turns full of overworking to finally realize: i am in a period of depression. for the first time in some time, everything is difficult. in this moment it is uniquely frustrating and poorly timed, given how long it's taking me to get this project even close to done (or it feels like it's taking forever, anyways). this has coupled with my ongoing sensation of "i simply do not do enough," which has been soul crushing.

i know the wonderful people supporting what i do have said it before: i'm allowed to take my time. it really and genuinely seems like people are invested in what i do and how i do it as a very generalized thing, not just "end product." and that is a beautiful thing that i have immense gratitude for. i know this sensation of "not doing enough" is internal. i am fundamentally an overworker. if i do not put in well over full-time work hours every week, i feel a little empty. even if i do, i feel a little empty, which is something i really need to sit face-to-face with and try to understand better.

there is a great humor that i only just recently rolled out greenhouse - a way to have Fun with music again - and the expectations i give myself have so quickly gone back to being grotesque and unreasonable. i really and truly adore the project i'm currently working on, and need to see it through, but maybe it needs a little space, or a little more freedom to be... whatever. i've been thinking so restrictively about it.

acknowledging all of this isn't some kind of silver bullet; it's a first step in seeing this project through in a way that is spiritually fulfilling and holistic.

it is not that i cannot write music. it is that creating anything is hard, and never really gets easier. the process is always there, and it always requires your all. i've created a lot of things that i love, and the things i love the most came from the most free places. the first step in getting back to that place is going to be undoing a bit of the psychic damage i've been imposing on myself the past few months. i need to get back to Being rather than Thinking.

anyways, that's where i'm at.

thank you for waiting, thank you for your support, i will do everything i can to make it worthwhile for you. it's probably going to take a few days of getting my head straight, but i'll get there.

i do have some near-future plans for the patreon (probably within a couple months) but i'm needing to do a lot of preemptive work for that to figure out exactly how to execute on it, but... please stay tuned.

thank you so much.