From the Cutting Room Floor - "Catan Etiquette" (Patreon)

Hey guys! So I'm due for both an update blog and an Arlocast, but at the moment I wanted to get something new rolling. I'm cleaning out my master doc with all my in-progress scripts, and I've got a number of cancelled projects that I thought I would share with you. I don't know if any of them will be very interesting, but I thought it might be another fun little Patreon perk.

This first script is an ancient piece of Arlo history. When I first started the channel I planned on making videos about any old thing in the world, just hoping to attract attention from anywhere. One of the first scripts I ever wrote was for a video detailing the proper etiquette for playing the board game Settlers of Catan. It was really popular at the time and I was playing a lot, so I thought I would offer tips for making the experience better for everyone playing. It was going to require a few decently elaborate out-of-the-studio shots, so naturally I put off making it for so long that I reached a point where I just wasn't interested in doing it anymore.

This script is unfinished and pretty rough; I bolded the parts that are supposed to be voiceover, but there might still be some parts that are a little confusing without more detail. But basically it's me narrating with me and me playing a game with each other.

So without further ado, the first scrap from the cutting room floor!

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CATAN ETIQUETTE

[sitting at table with people playing in the background. Turn to camera]

Settlers of Catan.  It’s a fantastically fun game that’s a perfect mix of strategy and chance, and always my favorite way of capping off a dinner party with friends.  No matter who you are or who you play with however, there are a few issues that will never fail to arise.  But if you follow these simple rules of etiquette, you and your friends can more effectively crush each other in continental conquest.

[two shots across the table]

[voiceover]

First off, take a look at this:

I’ll trade you an ore for two wool.

Sounds fair.  Here’s the wool.

No, I wanted the ore.  I have the wool.

You said you would trade the ore.

I know what I said!

I want that ore!

I don’t have any ore, that’s why I’m trading you!

A 2014 scientific study concluded that since its creation, no game of Catan has been played to completion without this happening at least once. Remember that if you’re offering a resource, you’re revealing that you have it, so keeping it hidden is no longer necessary.  As such, the surefire way to communicate quickly and clearly every single time you trade is to do it like this:

[table]

[holds up two sheep]

Ore.

Now his opponent knows exactly what’s being offered for what, and can make his decision accordingly.

No.

Give me that ore!

I’m not giving you my ore!

Next up, here’s something that happens every once in a while, either because of an honest accident:

[dice roll onto board and knock some of the pieces]

Oops!  Sorry!

Or gross negligence:

[stupidly chucks dice onto board and messes everything up]

OOPS.

Make sure you’ve got an open space to roll your dice, and roll them carefully.  It’s gonna be random even if you don’t throw them.

And if you don’t have adequate space on the table to roll, use the box lid, which can be easily passed around and placed in your lap or on the floor. Another perfectly fine option is to simply shake them up in your hand and just plop them onto the table.  This only requires a hand-sized amount of room, and is still totally random.

It also means you won’t do that thing where you roll too soft and the dice just kind of plop down on the table without rolling, and everyone looks at you like you’re a cheater.

Another thing about dice:

[rolls]

Hey, hey, what are you doing?  I wasn’t finished!

You said your turn was over!

No, I was talking about apple turnovers!

But I already rolled a 6!  Sigh.

You want to go get some turnovers after this?

Yeah, I really do.

To avoid this, make a house rule that one uses the dice to indicate when their turn’s over.  It’s a very deliberate action that can’t possibly be misinterpreted, and it eliminates the need for your opponents to constantly ask for you to hand them the dice.

So here’s a thing.  I can’t actually tell you not to be that person that tries to block other players when placing at the start of the game.  If you’re so competitive that you’ve got to destroy a person’s chances that early and doom them to playing a whole game they can’t win, fine.  It’s the fault of your friends if they keep playing with you.  But I will say to give new players a break.  Nearly every person I play with is pretty frustrated the first time they play.  Their numbers just don’t come up, or they misunderstood a rule, or any number of things.  Whether or not they want to keep playing the game in the future depends on this first experience.  I mean, we all know what I’m talking about.  You’ve probably got a good handful of friends like this:

Let’s see, what games have we got here…  Ooh, we could play Settlers of Catan!  Have you ever played Settlers of Ca--

YES, and I’m NOT PLAYING IT AGAIN!

Don’t be the reason these people exist.  You don’t have to go easy on them, but at the very least you can avoid being quite so cutthroat.  You know, just this once.  In fact, make it clear that the first game is a practice game, and even consider playing with open hands and discussing your strategies.  And this leads perfectly into my last point:

Boy, we sure are having a good time, huh?  Quiet night, nice music, a little--

I can’t believe neither of us has rolled an 8 in like a million turns.  It makes NO SENSE.  I’ve got three cities on 8’s.

Yeah, stinks.  So I was wondering if you were interested in swapping some of your wood for--

8 is one of the most common numbers!  It does not make sense!  I would be winning so hard right now!

Ah, sorry man.  So, I guess it’s your turn.

What’s the point?  I can’t win!  I would have won ten turns ago if the laws of statistics hadn’t just disappeared!  I could have won TWICE by now!  It doesn’t make ANY sense.  This is SO stupid.

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So there you have it! One of the first ArloStuff scripts ever to be committed to the page, sadly thrown into the scrap pile. Let me know if you'd like to see more of this stuff, and I'll catch you soon with that blog and that Arlocast! See ya!