Poll Pic: Boobdgette (Patreon)

Something I just realized now as I'm posting this is that the few times I've done Total Drama fanart that wasn't a commission each actually reflects my growth as a person in ways that basically none of my followers except for very close friends would even be aware of if it wasn't pointed out to them. So I'mma point it out to them.

https://www.deviantart.com/hyperflannel/art/Gwenzongas-699429400

The first time was a pic of Gwen that copied the show's art style as closely as I could, because back then I was a lot more willing to go out on a limb, get experimental, and try new styles that I haven't tried before, making elements of them into new pigments for my creative pallet. 

https://www.deviantart.com/hyperflannel/art/Poll-Pic-Gwendonkadonk-865105652

Then, the next time I drew Gwen I went with a more detailed and not-quite-realistic-but-much-more-so-comparatively style, because since then I had actually come to see the old approach in a negative light, something that behind closed doors made me kinda hate art and see it as a frustrating chore because the only thing that mattered to me was pushing myself as hard as I could, to try to make my art more grandiose and higher in scale, to get more attention and expand my following, to treat the follower count as if it were my high score in a video game, as anything less would be settling, and I refused to settle until I proved wrong everyone who ever had doubts about me, especially this one much more popular artist who used to be a personal hero of mine until he made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  Every second that I wasn't proving him wrong was a second I was proving him right by default, a dangerous mindset that combined with many other factors in my life I'd rather not elaborate on now had me in a legitimately dark place up until fairly recently. And in this specific instance it really didn't help that this person is a big Total Drama fan with an art style that seems heavily inspired by it, making me want even less to do with any elements of it. I was gonna be damned if anyone compared me to him, to the point that it even factored into how I set my commission prices, because I was gonna be damned if anyone said he had better prices than me. Who that artist was isn't necessarily a secret, but I'd rather not say it publicly, I'd rather not start any fights with him or his fans, especially with how this story ends. There's more to this story, so maybe I'll tell a more detailed account some other time.

Now with this pic, there's more of a happy medium between the two approaches, because I've finally learned how to let go of how that other artist made me feel, which has felt more liberating than I ever thought it would. I don't exactly like him again, he hasn't exactly gotten my respect back, but with hatred no-longer my ally, I refuse to let it fuel my actions anymore. Creative habits I've picked up along the way to my misguided goals are still present, because I can't deny the past's influence, as I can't change the past, but after finally letting go of my feelings about it to not let it affect the future, I've finally been able to dial it back and embrace western cartoon-inspired elements again without constantly feeling like I'm sacrificing quality or integrity. The only thing I'm really trying hard to earn now is just to get back what it cost me to learn this lesson, and I can't do that with better art, just a better attitude.

So in Danganronpa terms, first I was Hajime, then I became Izuru, now I'm Hajime with Izuru's red eyes.