House Cat! Intro (Inanimate TF) (Patreon)

The black screen flashes and fizzles and settles at last on the image of a street, where two rows of quaint, suburban houses with their white-picket fences and perfectly-trimmed lawns lay neatly arranged, like the decapitated heads of a serial killer’s victims.

Floating along this paradisiacal street, the camera comes to a halt outside no. 69 and bobs up to the driveway to the door, where a hand emerges from behind the device to poke the bell with an elongated claw and–Dingdong! Dingdong!

The sound of feet approaches fast. The door swings open to reveal a somewhat disheveled catgirl, who looks as if she’s been interrupted into the middle of getting dressed. An oversized doctor’s coat covers her shoulders, and a comical stethoscope dangles from her chest. She takes deep breaths, as if she’s run all the way from the bedroom.

“Hello!” cries the catgirl, sweeping her hair back into something resembling a style, “and welcome to House Cat! I’m nyour host, Dr. Ie*, Professiomal House Doctor, and as ever we'll be refurbishing the house of one unfortunate Bakeneko whose sense of taste isn't matched by their cash!” She beams at the camera with teeth like she’s swallowed the moon. “Today’s house patient is a very special person indeed, nya! Let’s go in and meet them!”

* T/N: Pronounced ‘ya’, as in ‘it’s ya boi’.

Dr. Ie surges into the house, her coattails flapping, and the camera hurries to follow her. The house itself is barren, floors uncarpeted, walls unpapered. Some of the rooms don’t even have doors.

The camera follows Dr. Ie into what might one day be the living room, though there’s little to suggest that at the moment. Another catgirl stands awkwardly in the center, tugging the hem of her sundress and looking as if she regrets being on camera.

Dr. Ie wraps an arm around her shoulder. “That’s right, nya! It’s Princess Yuuuuri! Pleasure to meet nyou, Princess Yuri!”

Yuri blinks as Ie takes her hand and shakes it emphatically. “Eh? But we met earlier, at the–”

Dr. Ie pulls away and spins around, hands on her hips. “Well, isn’t this a wonderful house nyou’ve got here, nya? A detached, two-storey, one-bedroom home with a garage and a pool and possibly a ghost! Wow!” She looked around at the utterly blank room. “I love nyour choice of floorboard.”

Yuri stares at her. “Eh? But–but nyou built it. It’s nyot my house. I don’t even live on this plan–”

The camera cuts off. When it comes back on again, Yuri looks a lot shyer. “Um… thank nyou, Dr. Ie. I paid a lot of bells for it, nya.”

“Well, that’s excellent to hear,” says Dr. Ie, whirling around again. The camera follows her, showing off just how barren the room is. It doesn’t even have curtains. “I think nyou’ve neglected nyour furnishings though! Nyahaha!”

“Um…” Yuri looks at something behind the camera. “I guess I just couldn’t decide what to buy?”

“Nyahaha! Don’t worry, nya! Dr. Ie is here to help! I’ve prepared a collection of different items acquired from all the best universes, and our delightful studio audience is going to help nyou pick which one suits each room best! Doesn’t that sound fun, nya?”

“Nyou mean I don’t get to pick my o–?”

The camera cuts off, taking several seconds to come back on again.

“Um, nyes, that sounds, um, amazing, Dr. Ie.”

“I’m glad nyou’re onboard, nya.” Dr. Ie plants her hands on her hips and grins like a tiger. “Well, since we’re here, let’s start with the living room! I’m sure we–”

“The living room?” Yuri looks shocked. “But I thought this was the–”

Dr. Ie pinches her brow and mouths something at someone off-camera. It looks suspiciously like ‘Let’s start over from scratch.’

The camera cuts off. The screen goes black.

***

Standing there in the middle of the barren, empty living room, trying to ignore the cool breeze blowing in through an open window, Yuri shivered and rubbed her arms and tried to avoid the gaze of the camera.

“Nyow,” said Dr. Ie, planting her hands on her hips and giving Yuri a cocky smile. “I think nyou’ve been neglecting nyour furnishings, nya!”

Yuri wanted to tell her she didn’t know what was happening (hadn’t they done this already), but she bit her tongue and followed the words on the teleprompter. “I couldn’t figure out what to buy!”

“Nyahaha!” Dr. Ie threw back her head in exaggerated laughter. “Well, don’t worry, nya! Dr. Ie is here to help! I’ve prepared a collection of different items acquired from all the best universes, and our delightful studio audience is going to help nyou pick which one suits each room best! Doesn’t that sound fun, nya? There was a pause. “Say ‘that sounds amazing’,” she mouthed, eyes tight.

“Th-that sounds amazing, nya!”

“I’m glad nyou’re onboard! Well, since we’re here, let’s start with the living room! I’m sure we’ve got some items in our collection that will just fit it purrfectly. To start with, how about a table?”

“A table?”

“Exactly! A pretty, regal, princess-made table purrfect to bring out the beauty of the room.”

She gestured vaguely around her. A tumbleweed rolled between her feet.

“Nyou get the idea!” With a big grin, Dr. Ie snapped her claws. Lightning cracked, and an explosion of pink light blinded Yuri’s eyes. When it cleared, she found herself facing a pretty blonde in a beautiful blue dress.

The girl looked around, eyes wide in shock. “Wh-where am I now?! What’s going on–?”

Zzzapp! Yuri didn’t see Ie draw her pointer, but before she knew what was happening, the other Bakeneko had struck. The pretty blonde screamed as its energy coursed through her, burning away her dress and everything else on her person in a blaze of bubblegum flame. Her naked body sparkled in the pointer light.

Dr. Ie snapped her pointer downward, and the girl slammed onto all fours with a scream. “Help me!” she screamed, struggling to escape, but Ie’s pointer held her fixed firmly in position.

With a series of snaps and cracks, the blonde’s body changed. Her arms stretched, her legs compacted, and her back expanded to form a circular surface. At the same time, her skin shifted, changing color and texture: her screams cut out mid-cry as her mouth turned to wood and froze that way, followed moments later by every square inch of her flesh.

Licking her lips, Dr. Ie flicked her pen aside, and the beam of energy spurting from its tip snapped out with crackle.

In the middle of the room, still flickering and steaming, stood a beautiful light wood table shaped somewhat like a woman. Among other things, she retained her mask of terror and the plump curves of her rear. Sidling around her, Yuri gave the latter a resounding rap and slipped her fingers between them like a daring explorer. A fresh burst of horror washed out of the table’s brain.

“What do nyou think?” asked Dr. Ie.

“She’s beautiful!” said Yuri.

“Well I hate her,” said Dr. Ie, flicking her pen and sending the table flying straight out of the window. Crash! “Ugly! Ugly! Doesn’t fit the room at all!”

Yuri jumped back in shock.

“Anyway,” said Dr. Ie, combing back her hair. “It’s nyot up to me, of course. It’s up to the audience!” With a gigantic grin, she turned to face the camera.

“What kind of material would nyou like to see Yuri use?”

(Suggest series for Ie to work with in the comments. Once enough suggestions have been collected, a vote will be held for each room of the house. If there are particular characters you’d like to see, please include them too.)