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Editing Suggestions - Is there something I missed on any Chapter in Volume 4? Something I need to fix or correct or forgot? Please leave a comment here and let me know! (Editing Progress: 58 Chapters edited, as of Sept 12) (Patreon)

Published:
2023-09-11 03:23:04
Imported:
2023-09

Comments

Anonymous

Chapter 64 could use some challenge that requires the Brand of Janus to overcome for Michael to get the title system. Maybe a temporal trap or stasis field or some other time related puzzle or obstacle. In book 3 Michael said the reason he needed the brand of Janus and presumably had to undergo the ordeal of possession was because it “would also be something he needed if he wished to obtain the Essence of a Deity here on the Second Layer” However in the story there was no follow up he got the Essence without using the ability.

Koral

Out of curiosity, do have a general idea/goal of when book 4 will make it to amazon?

Anonymous

Dear Wiz / L. M. Kerr Nice surprise to see you finish the book and what a great read it was👍 I upped here on Patreon to read the draft and will be buying the book when it comes to Amazon. Some suggestions: 1. It seems to me that we are missing some info about the missions that Michael gave the Rury Group other than warning the church about the plague and thereafter joining them? 2. Points for killing Orion. a: Prime is convinced that he killed Orion, however no point notification shows up. I am not sure how fast the shop gives the points, but Prime, with his crazy awareness, should be instantly aware that something is off? b. Michael ends up dealing the final blow to Orion on the 3 layer. Would it make sense to award Michael the points at the end of book 4 and withhold the progress that he gets from the fight till book 5 when the next upgrades needs to be made? Also killing a titled deity many hundreds of years old, should give millions of points? Maybe Michael will hit the point wall with this one kill, even on the 3 layer.😊

Anonymous

Wiz, first off, congrats! I'm very excited that the book will soon be published. Also, I made some notes on the Prologue and and the first 10 chapters. Hopefully these notes are helpful and not too long? But maybe I went overboard... I'm working on the next 10 chapters, but if this is not what you're looking for, let me know! PROLOGUE: "In front of him were a series of smoking craters five meters abreast." // This sentence confused me. An alternative would be to write around this awkward construction? Like "In front of him were ten smoking craters, each about five meters wide." "Gradually, as the speaker soared up, the large clearing his trainees were standing in seemed to shrink down in size." // On my first reading of this sentence, I didn't understand that we're viewing what the speaker sees as he flies up into the air. At first, I thought he was somehow shrinking the trainees? Can that be made clearer? "The non-masked warrior began to speak again." ... "In one smooth motion, the speaker put the mask on, hiding his features as he stood straight." // Why did everybody wear a mask in this clearing and all the other clearings and at the meeting of the King Division, but Blue Flame doesn't wear his mask in his clearing until he leaves? Was this ever explained? "There's been a change of plans." // I understand in retrospect that Mantis says this because Constantine has just communicated with them that he's decided to pull the Beasts of Providence out of the Second Layer. I also understand that maybe we're not meant to understand the full meaning of this during the Prologue. However, I didn't understand that what happened in this Prologue was a Big Event. Maybe I'm just dumb, but also, maybe you can say something that makes this more obvious to the reader? "For the briefest moment, Mantis' eyes caught sight of the flickering wings of a small, pale blue butterfly." // In retrospect, this is an allusion to the butterfly effect, whereby Micheal's changes are causing huge changes to history. However, I didn't get this allusion at all at the time. CHAPTER 1: "a full 3 hours passed before Prime finished this investigation." // instead of "this investigation", perhaps say "his investigation"? "oftentimes much longer" and "oftentimes for multiple instances each second" // "oftentimes" should almost always be replaced with "often." In any case, one of these "oftentimes" should be deleted, just because it's a rare word that's repeatedly relatively quickly here. "Because of that, his group of survivors weathered storms of Morenkai with ease." // I found "storms of Morenkai" to be an awkward construction. "waves of Morenkai" would be lot easier to understand? "until 4 months in," // "4" should be "four". "Prime spent a large amount of time pouring through the Shop." // It's "poring" not "pouring". "A plan that might take a genius 5 minutes to come up with could take Prime 5 hours to realize." // Both "5's" should be "five". "A situation that a top planner might need a day or two to breakdown could take Prime half a month." // "breakdown" is used as a verb here. The noun "breakdown" is one word. The verb "break down" is two words. This should be "break down" here, because it's a verb. "When time was frozen, the pain his body remained consistent, making it easier to ignore." // "the pain his body remained consistent" is not correct. Maybe "the pain in his body remained consistent" or "the pain he felt stayed constant"? "internalizing the rage he felt" // would "fueled by the rage he felt" make sense here? "Prime spent more than 2 weeks" // spell out "two" "obliterating a massive chunk of forest in searing flames" // This should either be "obliterating ... WITH searing flames" or "ENGULFING ... in searching flames" "Prime blitzed through the southern part of the Woolen Forest at great speed." // "Blitzed" doesn't seem like the right word? "Blitz" as a verb usually means "to attack a town, city, etc. quickly and violently, usually with bombs dropped from aircraft." Another word that unambiguously means "run quickly" might be clearer? "he approached the situation carefully," // would "epicenter" be appropriate instead of "the situation"? CHAPTER 2: "A cool breeze swept through a large stone canyon, fluttering freely as it soared across cracked brown rocks and swarmed above wide jutting boulders." // A breeze can possibly "flutter freely," but I didn't understand how a breeze could "swarm above" something? Would it make sense to eliminate both references? Also, rocks and boulders sound pretty similar, so maybe replace one of those references? Something like "A cool breeze swept through a large stone canyon filled with cracked brown rocks and stone walls." "Located at the southern border between the Divine Might Sect’s territory and the Ground Demon Sect’s territory, the Dark Canyon stretched for hundreds and hundreds of miles long." // The next sentence explains how the Ground Demon Set is directly south, so that seems superfluous here? Also, "hundreds and hundreds" could be replaced here with just "hundreds"? Together, this would make that sentence: "Located at the southern border of the Divine Might Sect’s territory, the Dark Canyon stretched for hundreds of miles long." "Just like how the Dragon Mountains served as a natural barrier against the Silent Sword Sect to the north" // "a natural barrier against" sounds awkward? Perhaps just "a natural boundary for the Silent Sword Sect to the north"? "while the Dragon Mountains sat between 100-200 miles throughout" // "100-200 miles" should be "100 to 200 miles." "perched precariously on the side of the canyon wall," // We don't know which specific wall he's perched on, so perhaps say "a canyon wall" instead of "the canyon wall"? "should’ve been impossible to notice." // I have no problems with contractions in general, but this contraction didn't add anything for me. I would spell out "should have" here. "Instead of piercing towards..." // To me, pierce is something that a bullet does when it penetrates armor. At this point, the bullet is not yet piercing, so I'd consider saying something like "Instead of hitting Shin's original target, the space where the shadow had been standing, it landed one step to the right..." "affectionally" should be "affectionately." “It sensed your killing intent!” Sophia smiled as she began to get to her feet, “That’s it! We can finally move on!” // I don't think it was ever explained why Shin was trying to project killing intent? Did Micheal tell him that learning to project killing intent was important? Why doesn't Sophia ever try to project killing intent? "but the Abilities, Artifacts, and individual skill" // should the last one just be "skills" (plural) to match the other items in this list? Also "individual" could apply to all three items in the list, so although I'd delete "individual," you could add it to the front, like: "but the individual Abilities, Artifacts, and skills". "6 hours later" and "Over the past 5 days" should be "six" and "five." "5-meters tall stone boulder" should be "five-meter-tall stone boulder." "wasted 5 days ... and 2 more days" // should be "five" and "two." CHAPTER 3: “Activate your Blue Flame Blades on my command!” // In the Prologue, we meet a Beast of Providence named Blue Flame, so this reference to "Blue Flame Blades" by a Purgatory Church member confused me? To avoid this, you could call that random Artifact something else? "spreading through the air like waves at sea." // This metaphor was awkward? "He held no weapon in his hands or at sheathed at his hip," // "or at sheathed at his hip" should be like "or sheathed on his hip"? "chest-plates" // this is typically one word. "sturdy physiques that were noticeable even behind all that metal." // "under all that metal" instead? "like a cindering ember ready to burst out into flames." // "cindering" and "ember" "Raise an army." // This is a quibble, but he didn't raise an army? He called the Six Battalions of the Grey Knights back into active training... "a conscious line of thought" // I think "a COHERENT line of thought" would be clearer? "The simple brown robe he wore somehow complimented the feeling of awe" // It's "complemented" (E not an I) "he singlehandedly prolonged the war between races" // This has been referred to as the Great War Between Races before, or sometimes the Great War. Anyway, the lack of capitalization here threw me. CHAPTER 4 "The Lord Protector had briefly turned away from Micheal, taking the time to usher the Rakkonian Wizard out of the room." // There are 15 references in this chapter to "Lord Protector." However, in Book 3, all the references were to "Lord Justiciar." (There are also 10 references to "Lord Protector" in Chapter 5, and four in Chapter 6. )Then, in Chapter 9, you switch back to "Lord Justiciar." So these references to Lord PROTECTOR in Chapters 4, 5, and 6 seem like a typo? "He held back his urges to ask..." // It's just one urge, so consider saying "his urge" here? ‘2 weeks?!’ and then later "a time loss of 2 weeks" and then later "even if 2 weeks had passed." // spell out "two" "as a sense of foreboding swarmed within him." // "swarmed within him" is awkward. Consider "as he began to feel a sense of foreboding." "6th Layer" // "Sixth Layer" CHAPTER 5: "2 weeks of time" // "Two" "for 1 and a half more years" // "one" "but Micheal’s intervention had sped that timeline up." // This is said as if by an omniscient narrator, but we're in Micheal's head, so perhaps the text shouldn't be so certain? So: "but PERHAPS Micheal's interventionS had sped that timeline up."? I'd also consider saying "interventions" because Micheal has done a lot of things! "enough to allow the Ki that was raging to breakthrough a foothold." // "breakthrough" as one word is a noun and "break through" is a verbal phrase. We want the two-word version here since it's being used as a verb? Also, "foothold" is almost always used along with "secure a foothold," which has the opposite connotation. I would consider deleting "a foothold," so you'd be left with "enough to allow the Ki that was raging to break through." "This is the first time I’ve seen a human breakthrough." // "break through" "I also wanted to witness a ‘Ki Breakthrough’ that I’ve heard so much about." // There is no issue here, but I wanted to highlight that "Breakthrough" here is being used as a noun, and hence, it's appropriate for it to be one word! :-) "can I rely on you to guard me until I finish breaking through?" // this time, "breaking through" is used perfectly as a two-word verbal phrase! "gave Micheal a look as if to say ‘who do you think I am.’" // First, Gregor is implicitly asking a question, so I'd switch the period to a question mark. Second, I have seen the convention you're using of using single-quoted italics as thoughts, which is fine. But in the middle of a sentence, you should use double quotes (unless the quotes are inside a double quote already, which isn't true here). This would give us: as if to say "who do you think I am?" "It was the 7th Layer." // "Seventh Layer." "the 6th Layer" // "Sixth Layer" "The strongest Deity from the Angelic Tribe of Deities." // It seems like the name would be the "Angel Tribe"? You have referred to the "Toren Tribe" before, and everywhere else, you call Navir an "Angel." So that implies the name would be Angel Tribe? But of course, it's your world, so do as you like! I am just flagging this in case it's a typo. "begin preparing for the 7th Layer." // "Seventh Layer" "Micheal’s Life Orbs could bring him back to his life after he died." // "bring him back to his life" doesn't make sense. I think "his" needs to be deleted? So: "bring him back to life." "all in which Navir had advanced knowledge" // "advance knowledge" not "advanced knowledge" "to jump back days prior." // I would say "earlier" not "prior". "I only rewind time by a day here or two days there. You twisted causality by more than 10 years, you die a hundred times but still live all the same." // I'd spell out 10 to be consistent. As Google says: "if a single sentence combines small and large numbers, make sure that all the numbers are either spelled out or written as numerals." "The Deity left the 6th Layer ... towards the 7th Layer." // "Sixth" and "Seventh" "Micheal’s eyes cindered as he glared daggers at the Deity." // This is mixing metaphors. Pick one? CHAPTER 6: "The only exceptions to that would be, potentially, the Sect Masters of the Six Great Byren Sects and definitely the Lord Protector of the Farians." // You've always said "Six Great Sects," so perhaps stick to that label for consistency? You also say "of the Farians" in the next part of the sentence, so you could just say "of the Byrens." (Also, "Protector" should be "Justiciar".) So: "the Sect Masters of the Six Great Sects of the Byrens and definitely the Lord Justiciar of the Farians." "The Beasts of Providence had a hidden army of experts and an unknown number of powerful warriors backing them, as well as..." // Perhaps add a comma after "experts"? Because I had to read this sentence a few times to understand it. So: "The Beasts of Providence had a hidden army of experts, an unknown number of powerful warriors backing them, as well as..." "The Six Lords were actively experimenting on humans" // I remember Leila experimented on humans for the Nest feeding program, as well as Yvvtal's experiments on "innocents." But I don't remember the Six Lords experimenting on humans? Did I miss something? "Something that ‘called’ them to" // You capitalize "Called" in the next paragraph, so capitalize it here, too, for consistency? "Are all human breakthrough this fast?!" // "breakthroughs" should be plural here. "Apart from the 2 weeks he lost," // "two" "fight for rulership of the sky" // have you considered "dominion of the skies"? CHAPTER 7: "from dozens meters of away" // somehow "of" is one word late? Should be "from dozens of meters away" "‘For a 3 Star Physique, it doesn’t seem to have boosted my stats any more than my 2 Star Physique.’" ... "His physical stats changing was a byproduct of his increased Ki Cultivation and his transformation into a Master." // Is this a change? Previously, in Book 3, Micheal observes that, "His 1 Star Physique was also helping, slightly, but it wasn't having as big of an impact. He felt it more in how he could get more stats from each Stage." And then, later in Book 3, it says, "a 2 Star Physique could boost your power by 30% over a 1 Star Physique, depending on the exact way the Physique was raised." So it sounds like Micheal's extra-Star-Physique should have boosted his stats? "tapped on his Mid-Tier Spatial Ring, the Artifact somewhat surviving a battle that literally turned him to ash at one point." // Why "somewhat"? Is this perhaps a typo for "somehow"? Also, since the normal tense of the book is the past, and the battle occurred previously to this point, I think it needs a "had"? So: "the Artifact somehow having survived a battle that had turned him into ash at one point." (You don't need "literally.") "the fire dancing between his fingertips and cross his flesh without burning him." // "across" not "cross" "“4 days.” He nodded. ... ‘In 4 days," // "Four days" and "four days" "they would likely have fallen to the ground out of shock as seeing the present figures." // "the present figures" is awkward. Perhaps "the four Byrens at the same table"? "After all, these 4" // "these four" "In 4 days time," // "In four days time" CHAPTER 8: "replacing the old one at no cost." // "at no EXTRA cost"? "What made the second method difficult was that the new Ability had to not only significantly overlap with the old in function, but the user also had to fully believe that the new Ability was a straight ‘upgrade’." // This was hard to understand. Maybe remove the double negative? So: "What made the second method difficult was that the new Ability had to significantly overlap with the old in function, and also the user also had to fully believe that the new Ability was a straight ‘upgrade’." "If these two functions weren’t met, the purchase would still go through in the Shop, but nothing would happen, resulting in a large loss of Points." // I don't think "functions" is the right word? Did you mean "requirements" or "conditions"? Also, this sentence contradicts what you said later in this Chapter: "he would be stuck with both overlapping Abilities at the same time, taking up two of his valuable Ability slots." I assume that what happens is dependent on whether the user had maxed out his Ability slots (in which case he loses the Points) or he still has empty Ability slots (in which case he now has two overlapping Abilities). Anyway, at this point, he only has 6 Ability slots, so wouldn't the "overlapping Abilities" scenario be a bigger concern for him now (versus the theoretical concern about losing Points, since he doesn't have maxed-out-Ability-slots now)? "he moved through the shop..." // "Shop" should be capitalized, right? "Magic Swell - 65,000 (810/810)" // In Book 1, this line on Page 37 was "Expand - 65,000 - (8/10)". Somehow "Magic Swell" is now on the line that previously held "Expand"? "Limited Abilities, like their namesake implied," // "namesake" is used incorrectly here. (My name is "Bob." My namesake would be somebody else named Bob.) You can just say "name" here, so maybe: "A Limited Ability, like its name implied, was limited." "There wasn’t any guarantee" // should be "a guarantee" "With few exceptions, almost no illusion was perfect." // "almost" seems superfluous here, since you already said "With few exceptions." I'd delete "almost." "Similar to Micheal’s Ceaseless Mind Ability, it gave him a perfect memory. It also made his body and soul highly resistant to anything related to ‘Negative Energy,’ which covered a wide multitude of things." // Micheal doesn't have the Eyes of the Deep Ability yet, so wouldn't this sentence have to be either conditional or general? If you went the conditional route: "it would give him a perfect memory. It would also make his body and soul..." If you went the general route: "it gave its users a perfect memory. It also made its users' body and soul..." "If he failed, while he wouldn’t waste any Points, he would be stuck with both overlapping Abilities at the same time, taking up two of his valuable Ability slots." // This contradicts what you said earlier about "nothing would happen, resulting in a large loss of Points." CHAPTER 9: "an Artifact that had just recently been brought up from the Farian’s First Layer." // "just" and "recently" seem to be serving the same purpose in this sentence? I'd delete one of them. "Gregor could already hear arguments coming from inside the building as the leaders of the various Farian Tribes debated on their future plans." // This may be intentional, but this sentence contrasts with what Micheal says in Chapter 11 about the Farian Council Chamber: "‘Their soundproofing is excellent.’ Micheal’s first thought was an observation. He was a Master and yet couldn’t hear any of their voices until the door was opened." So either Gregor has better senses than Micheal, or one of those sentences should be modified? "There was a reason Synergy fusing Abilities wasn’t a popular method." // Instead of "Synergy fusing," perhaps use "Synergizing"? You made several references to "Synergize" in the last Chapter, so that would be more consistent... "from humanity’s Shop or Status." // I don't understand when you capitalize "Humanity" and when you don't... But you just capitalized Humanity in the last paragraph, so I would capitalize it here... "Micheal’s Life Orb Mastery Ability, while technically not a Type still locked him out of Type Abilities..." // There should be a comma after "while technically not a Type," since that's a non-restrictive clause that could hypothetically be deleted and thus is all part of a clause together. "The Soul stat, conversely, indicated ability to control energy," // Missing a "the," so like: "indicated THE ability to control..."" "Aka, the average Strength stat of a normal male human was 10, and so on." // "Aka" is short for "Also known as," which doesn't make sense here? Perhaps you could combine the previous sentence with this one? So: "Humanity’s Status screen listed stats by comparing them to a base human’s stats for an average male human, which started at 10." "As suck, the Divine Scan ranked all stats on a letter scale." // "suck" is a typo? "such" "an accurate measurement of a being's current ability without any sort of bias." // "ability" is a word used to mean something else in this world, so maybe just say "stats" here? CHAPTER 10: "“I’m fine.” He most certainly was not." // That second sentence should be on its own line. "The Farians emphasized practically and function" // Should be "practicality" "they clearly took better care of their own then humanity" // capitalize "Humanity"? Also, "than" is used for comparisons (not "then").

Silver Beard

I'm just frustrated that I've been waiting weeks to read the next chapter. I get that the Author is protecting his higher subs but I'm paying too... and it wasn't to read and reread that same chapter over and over again because the Author hasn't released anything 'new' the old remain locked.

Silver Beard
>>118572096

At this point my money's better spent on the book. I'll finally get the last 3 chapters then. At the trifle of the price too.