2023 May/Jun 1st Tier Event (Patreon)

Kelloggs... My dearest, my beloved Kelloggs.  What the fuck? How could the company responsible for the most beloved junk food mascots of all time drop the ball so hard?  You are not just proveyors of tooth-rotting sugary goodness to us. We rely on you to provide us with charming, colorful characters for us to pervert in unspeakable, internet-ruining ways.

And then, you go ahead and drop this unholy CGI-With-A-Vector-Face abomination on our laps.  Do you seriously expect us to gaze upon this lazy, insipid, aiming-for-a-passing-grade piece of tripe and go 'I want this shredded wheat body pillow to carry on my genes?

Does the furry porn community mean nothing to you? Could it be true that you are reverting back to your terrible anti-lewd origins?  No.  We must save you from yourself, Kelloggs.

I ask all my followers to put down your suggestions for the best possible new mascot for Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats! I ask only that you follow these guidelines.

1. It has to be a cartoon animal.  It's freaking Kelloggs, for crying out loud! Sure, they took a misstep with Snap, Crackle and Pop, but we must not falter just because they did.

2. How many female cereal mascots can you name?  That's right. None!  Is this supposed to be acceptable? Of course not!  Kelloggs, you had  the opportunity to bless us with a female mascot when you gave us Mini Wheats, and failed. We shall not, however.  The mascot must be female.

3. While it's only really necessary to suggest what kind of animal to pick, you do not need to stop there.  What's the cereal's iconic tagline? Something to challenge "They're GRRREAT!" and "Trix are for kids!" And how about the character's name, or choice of outfit?

This is it. Your chance to save Western Civilization from collapsing under it's own ennui.  Come July, I will gather all your suggestions and let my Patrons vote on the winner, which will get a design by me.