What a long week (Patreon)

Good morning, afternoon, or evening

It's morning time for me and oh boy is the tired energy hitting me today. It has been a long and exhaustive week for me, but necessary. It's been a total culture (or Kulture I guess) reset for me. But I will admit, those HeeJin and CHUU listening parties took a lot more out of me than I expected it to.

For the past two years I feel like my heart slowly turned to ice. It's been a lot of stress, a lot of work, with not much help. 

Earlier this February, I really hit a moment when I realized how unhappy I truly was and I was in danger of both harming myself or worse. 

Going to Korea helped me heal my heart, but returning back to Vegas made me reckon with all the mistakes, all the little shortcuts I took over the past 7 years to get here. I'm talking shortcuts in business, shortcuts in my mental health, shortcuts in how my videos are published, etc.

For the past six months I had a true reckoning and a war within myself, fighting for what I want and fighting for you guys. I want to react but also pursue my creative endeavors. But that means I need to buy more time, but you guys are already paying for my time.

It ultimately came down to this: I cannot do it alone. But no matter how much I tried, anyone or everyone I hired took advantage of me.

But rather than blaming others, I am choosing to actively blame myself and instead become a better leader. Regardless of what others have done to me, I know I will feel no guilt going forward if I know that I have done everything I could have done to be a good leader. 

I want to buy my freedom by hiring good employees I can trust to run shit, so that I can breathe and only worry about filming and my own creative pursuits. But I'm starting with myself. I've accepted that if I want to pursue my dream, I need to put in a certain amount of work to even buy myself the time to do that. So that's been what I've been pushing towards for the past month and a half.

I believe in this idea: If you blame others, the world makes you unhappy. If you blame yourself, only you make you unhappy. So I blame myself, I made mistakes, I fucked up--but I forgive myself.

Accountability and forgiveness. I don't need anyone else's--just my own.

So after a long exhaustive week of hard work, I'm treating myself a little bit and writing this update in a cute coffee shop I found. It's so relaxing and nice; I'm glad I allowed this for myself. 

Be kind to others, but most of all, be kind to yourself. 

Love yourself. 

If you hate yourself, you only have hate in your heart. So the only way to love the world is to fill your heart with love. Love yourself. 

I fucking get it now Namjoon.