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Update: In Korea (Patreon)

Published:
2023-03-06 10:45:21
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Content

T/W for video: depression/suicide

Before content begins today I just wanted to make a quick update.

I've made it to Korea. Airline lost ONE of my bags. It did contain a crucial piece for my set up but I also had multiple contingencies for this exact scenario and will be testing out my setup. If all is good, I'm going to do YT as soon as possible.

I made a video also just talking about my current headspace and what it feels like being in Korea. It's what most would consider a "dark" video but I made it explicitly to just be honest with what I deal with every waking moment of my life.

As an artist and a director, I find that I romanticize everything: including life and death. And I think if I don't want to get caught up in my own ideals of what is a beautiful life and a beautiful death, I just need to tell people: I'm a fucking weirdo. I nearly died once when I was 17, survived, and have been obsessed ever since. The name FORM OF THERAPY, was literally dropped the day before I nearly died.

A lot of my urges are highly irrational, and I think it's why I became such a logic driven person. But my irrational thoughts have been sounding a lot more rational lately so I figured I needed to just tell you guys and stop being embarrassed because my suicidal thoughts are just weird and normal to me, but the moment I become embarrassed, I feel ashamed, and THEN I become depressed, and that's a whole different type.

Going forward, I plan to live my life bravely and honestly. I truly believe this is the only way we can become better as both people and just as a culture at large.

And it always starts with the person who wants the change, right?

ADD-ON:

Something I talked about before is—I don’t care. It’s why I can be so flippant about life and death. But the only thing I’ve EVER cared about—is how the people I love feel about me.

I’m a thirsty B for love. I can’t get enough because I’ve never had it. And it’s why I kept hiding things or didn’t tell this audience certain things and always kept you guys at an arms length. And because I’ve never had love I just don’t know how to express it.

But that’s why I’m saying all this. I’m done being ashamed of myself. If you leave, you leave right? I get it. But no one here has ever once made me feel ashamed of being me, whereas the world has reacted opposite of me.

I cannot express properly or in one video how much I love and care for you all. I’m sorry I’m posting A LOT today but I’ve been in Korea for two days now so I’m processing A LOT.

I will find better ways to express my gratitude than just video updates and long ass text posts.

This will be the last one of these for a while so I can focus on doing my job for you all.

Summary: I'm in a great place. There's just always a lot of darkness behind my smile, and I love that about me, I just need people to be OK with that as well.

SEE YOU SOON IN THE YT VIDEOS!

Files

Update

Comments

Kim Chi

Hey PD, haven’t watched the video yet bc i‘m not in a place where i can comfortably watch it but could you maybe put the trigger warning at the top of the post because you can’t see it unless you tap on the post and scroll down (at least in the mobile version)

Dan

And Welcome to Korea❤️💙

Leon Hockenberger

The way you express your feelings (and such gravitational ones at that) is just so brave that I can't really put it into words. Having followed your journey for a little over 5 years now I can only say that

CJ

I know from experience this is not an easy thing to open up about so I admire you for the courage. It is a step to making that conscious effort to be better. I dont know if there are any words to comfort or console but know there are a lot of people who do care even if it is in a parasocial relationship. I personally send you positive thoughts because I know this is hard but also would like to send you encouragement (if that is possible) that you will come out of this a better and happier person. You just have to consciously make that decision every day. And whatever is best to make that decision fulfilled - do that. Make your mental health a priority. As someone who goes thru it as well, I'm rooting for you - for people like us. :) Fighting! :)

Serena

I've been part of this Patreon for many years and I gotta say PD at the end of it i stayed for you. Your comments and words always resonated so much with me and i found such a safe place within this Patreon. Whenever i feel so overwhelmed by my own anxiety watching these videos and hearing you talk always made it better. I'm really happy u decided on this step to go to Korea. I'm always rooting for you PD.

Mic ☆

Do all that is necessary to get on good footing personally and professionally in your new home. I hope you RECOVER your bag and gear I hope you DISCOVER the joy in doing what you want where you want. Make the most of it all ♡

Sven Lenders

Hey PD, It sounds like you need someone who will not only listen to you, but who you can actually vent to. If you do that I think you can drop a whole lot of burden from your shoulders. As you say yourself you've never really had anyone who really understands you, but I think anyone who has seen the past few videos fully understands that the art you make is your passion and that it makes you really happy. And in the process, it makes us very happy too. I also think that you opening up to us is a brave move. It is very difficult for your as I understand it to reveal everything. But I believe that in this way you show that besides "Form of Therapy" there is also "재혁" (If I understood correctly). I will briefly tell why I became a patreon to show why I chose you. I actually find that most other reactors make videos for the fame they get from it or because they just like the music. You on the other hand grabbed my attention from the first moment. Someone who brings something extra to reacting to videos, a professional take on it. And after seeing your youtube videos I thought to myself "Okay, but who is really the one I'm watching?" I was eager to see more of it. As it turned out, on Patreon, Form of Therapy is a whole new experience unto itself. On Patreon he is much looser in his reactions than on youtube. Which is not a bad thing, because I see your Youtube channel as a professional look at K-pop videos and your patreon a place where you can be yourself where no one criticizes you. I could have cancelled my subscription a long time ago, but I won't because I just enjoy discovering new series and variety shows with you. And I think several people here feel that way. What happened in the past is in the past , unfortunately you can't change that anymore. But you have made a new start that everyone is looking forward to and you can start living your "own" life. Go make what you look forward to, what you long for, but most of all what you can/will be proud of. We will support you at all times. If you would like to know more from us I am also open to that (I don't know how others feel about this). If that would help you to get a better idea of who you are doing it for and why people come to see your content and you. I get that for you it feels like "I'm talking to the camera, but for whom really". In any case, you are a great person 재혁, don't let anyone ever tell you what to do artistically again, accept the feedback you get to get others' insights but don't let it be the determining factor. You are the one who gets happiness from it so keep doing it with pleasure (A person gets pleasure from creativity and progression). 재혁,잘했어,파이팅 해야지 (I dont speak korean, but i'm learning so i'm not sure if this is right).

formoftherapy
>>103423524

Wow. Thank you for everything you wrote. It really means a lot that you said this was a brave move. It means... More than you realize. But hopefully I can help everyone understand better in these coming months. And your insight, even just why you watched--or even continued to watch... I think I've seen comments like that maybe less than 5 times over the past 7 years. So it really means a lot hearing your perspective. I also really appreciate how you went out of your way to not only speak Korean at the end or even refer to my name in Korean. It's completely unnecessary but 1000% welcome and meaningful to me, so thank you again.

mm

While I was never suicidal there was definetly a time in my life when I was on a trajectory towards it. And I can 100% understand that urge to sabotage myself and my life. Back than I thought that I have 2 options: 1) just continue what I was doing and continue to fight 2) take the "easy way out" and just end it Option 1 was clearly not sufficient and just prolonging the missery Option 2 would mean to put an incredible amount of pain on people everyone around me. And then I realized there is also an Option 3: just "fuck it", risk stuff, just do whatever I want to do, enjoy life, be reckless, ... Option 3 definetly has a lot of potential negative consequences too: risk my future, do things I will regret, disappoint people around me, ... But compared to death, every other option is better. And so I made this promise to myself that, if there was ever a day where I would "stand on that bridge", I would take all my money instead and just fly to another content and travell, do all the things I never did because it wasn't "reasonable", change my career and do something else ... If it doesn't work out which isn't unlikely then, well... at least I tried and I had fun. I never got to the point where I actually had to make this decision. But that thought and promise alone gave me such a great peace of mind and feeling of freedom. I stopped feeling trapped and was able to look for things that make me curious and that I want to try before I die without all the obligations and expectations that other people and myself put on me. I don't know if this thought is helpfull to you in any way. Either way, it's sooooo important to talk about this, have an outlet for these thought. The best option for venting will always be therapy (I'm for real, therapy changed saved my life, my best decision ever). But venting to anonomous people on the internet is great too. Man, even just writing down thoughts can be so relieving. Don't ever be embarassed for being a mess and open up about it. There are way more people listening to yout to that can relate a lot. Take care. You got this :)

zircadia

1. I LOVE YOU!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!! You are awesome! I'm sooooooo excited about this new chapter for you in terms of your work! 2. Pulling thoughts out from our own head and getting them out into the open, in the daylight where they can be examined, is so powerful. I think it might just be the way it is for folks who have suicidal ideation that are able to stick around with us, that living life well becomes intrinsically tied with thinking about death. You have a lot more practice now at handling these thoughts, and the way you're able to recognize them and share them with us is extremely powerful. It's good to trigger warning people, but really - I can see this was critically important for you and I'm glad you made this video. People have a misconception that suicidal thoughts are tied strictly to ones condition in life (like if things are going well or poorly, if you're happy or sad about present life events) but really it's just something you have to deal with regardless because the thoughts come in and the way they relate to your present situation just changes. You're experiencing this a lot right now - your feelings are strong and experience of life is intense, and the intensity is going throughout your other emotions and thoughts as well. Just keep doing the things that you know will keep you safe and continue taking good care of yourself. You are not the only person who deals with continual intrusive thoughts about suicide, I am glad you are working to leave behind the shame of the fact that this is something you deal with and that you're talking about it. 3. YOU ARE SO CUTE omg it's not fair talking about snot running down your nose and being that cute at the same time, wow. :D haha <3 May your computer and cord be reunited. Best wishes in settling in and getting started with this adventure.

Noem

Firstly I wanna say what you feel is 100% valid, even how scary it is, because admitting it is how you can work on it and grow and change. I also struggle with sucidal ideas, but in a different way and I can't imagine wanting to die every single day. Thank you for holding on and choosing life PD. We love you. And now, this new start, I'm so excited for you to start all over, I think you'll do great things and as long as you keep going you can do whatever you fucking dream of. I know you love reacting, and so I hope you keep doing it as well while finding a good balance for work/life so that you can get healthier mentally and physically. It's 100% a journey. My dad was basically dying from smoking so much and eating like shit, and he has a shock from going to the doctors and did a 180 and now he's getting better and that makes me so happy, more than anything else. And that's to say I want the same for anyone in my life including you. I hope you take care of yourself, I hope you get to travel and see beautiful places in Korea and elsewhere, I hope you get to eat good food and get a good therapist. Anyway, I'm also rambling now haha, but thank you for this update, I admire how open you are with us, it can't be easy I'm sure. Fighting Jaehyuk, we will be here whatever happens! :)

ian

So excited for this next chapter of life PD!

Sofie

I usually don't write comments here, or anywhere for that matter. I'm more of a silent viewer or listener but with this video and the March update, I will try to write more comments. Not really because I feel like I have to, but because this is the first time I felt like my comment would be seen and actually mean/do something for the creator, in this case you.

Anonymous

Hi there PD/Jaehyuk, First of all, congrats for making it to Korea and taking another step towards realising your dream. Secondly, thank you for being so emotionally open with us! That does take more courage than you might realise. I still remember that I initially joined your Patreon for your Treasure Box reactions - the first video I watched from you was actually your reaction to BTS' Not Today MV way back then and I recall being so fascinated with you and your knowledge, for example about the ice-like stage they were dancing on. That being said, when you reacted to Treasure Box you were going through a dark time in your life as well and also communicated that to us. You may think that this might scare people off or drive them away from you, I do think that for many, myself included, it does quite the opposite because it brings us closer together. When all of that happened back in 2020, my first thought was that, wow, this person behind the camera is just as much of a human with their own issues as I am and that I cannot and should not take you for granted. I believe that I do not only speak for myself when I say that many of us are here not exclusively for reactions but also to just generally support you because we want to see you succeed and we want to see you get better! And if there ever is a little impostor sneaking around in your mind telling you you don't deserve what you have - just ask yourself why so many people are here supporting you if you didn't deserve it. Concerning the darkness behind your smile, I think I know what you mean. A good friend of mine told me a very wise thing when I unexpectedly lost my father to COVID a year ago - Trauma is like a big whole in the ground in a box that you are trapped in. At first, you feel like there is only this whole and you could never possibly make your way around it. Over time, the whole in the ground does not get smaller but you make the box you are trapped in bigger and bigger until you are able to walk around the whole somewhat comfortably. The whole never goes away but you will be able to live with it without falling in - maybe even sitting on the edge dangling your feet from time to time. So get out there PD/Jaehyuk, chase your dream, make your own box a little bigger for yourself on step at a time and continue to be our own Form of Therapy! All the best!

ice4fresh

Man PD I wanna hug you soooo bad rn. I don't even know what to say right now. I feel like everything that I've wanted to say to you has already been said in the comments here. I'm so happy that you're not going through with offing yourself. I'm still kind of scared but if you say you will keep on living then I will believe you. Although I must say I have also had some thoughts of romanticizing death. Not to your extent but I've also had some zen moments where I thought that I've lived well enough and right there would be a good place to end. But I had those starting with like 18 so idk what that says about me, oh well. And not romanticize even further but there is some beauty to seeing you return to Korea and talking about how you wanted to take your life and now you're in a similar situation but for a rather "poetic" reason instead of pure intolerable pain. You're an artist through and through Jaehyuk(?). Just know that we loyal fans here on Patreon will have your back anytime.

formoftherapy
>>103434899

I’m crying. Not only was your comment seen it moved me. 1) I will absolutely read that book. 2) What you said… I have only vague ideas and philosophical “hypothesis” about myself as I can never be truly objective about myself. But comments like this, especially when you speak of love as a verb and accepting oneself—for quite literally move me so much I keep crying. Thank you so much. I always accepted myself as “I’m a piece of shit. I don’t deserve to live because all I think about is death” when the only objective truth is “all I think about is death”. Accepting that has allowed me to think “and I’m willing to die for my art, for my fans, for my ideals. Thinking about death all the time means I live in constant fear but I choose to be brave and put it all on the line”. Thank you Sofie. So much

Josh Kalmikoff

Hi PD. Here's the way I see things: The mark of a good person is their ability and willingness to make others happy. If that's the case, then that means you are such a damn good person. Stay awesome!

WiseSmellyLegs

Oh, I didn’t know you love Bleachers to the level of Seventeen! So that’s why you chose Like a River Runs by Bleachers for your funeral song (by the way, I started to listen to that song reguarly, thank you for sharing). I cannot say I understand you/your words about dying at the moment, when you feel happy, because in case of these things like feelings and emotions people are not 100% the same, even if two people are really similar to each other with their mind-sets. So I’ll say I see your point and I know, what you mean. But with your statement “the most perfect goodbye”, I have probably the same idea/thought. That’s why I asked you about the piece of art with which you would like to decorate your funeral. Because I have suicidal thoughts as well and the only thing that keeps me from not doing that is the situation after it. And I don’t mean after life etc, I mean the fact that I would have to do it in the way that people around don’t have to bother with my body, with my apartment and the stuffs I have here and basically I don’t want to make others’ life complicated just because of my decision to feel free (if any after life even exists and if it is possible to feel free there… I am open to anything about this…). And because of that I was thinking not only how to prepare my dying time/suicide the most “easy way” for others, but also to make sure my funeral and the whole moment is well prepared/decorated. And because of that I asked one artist to make a paiting based on my thoughts (I am really clumsy and I am really bad at drawing, so I needed someone else to help me to get that idea of me). The paiting is my vision of an embodiment of 봄여름가을겨울 (Still Life) by BIGBANG. The song really resonates in me even until now (your reaction to it is the most replayed video of yours for me). I cry a lot during listening to it. It’s not just an end of one big era for me, it reminds me of many things in my life, feeling in love, going through many things and I could go on and on with my list of things in which the song is so important to me. So in case people at the funeral would be looking at the end of mine, I would like to show them the life of mine by that (although the painting is obviously purely connected with BIGBANG and that song, but the hidden meaning/allegory would be present there at the moment). Also the song itself would be played to it as well. Beside Still Life, here are other ones, which come to my mind to be played there: - David Bowie - Space Oddity - Lady Gaga & Elton John - Sine From Above - 마미손 (Mommy Son) - 소년점프 (Boy Jump) (Feat. 배기성/Bae Ki Sung)… I know, a bit unusual for a funeral, but Mommy Son basically reflects my personality, which is in simple way to say a guy, who makes fun of everything and doesn’t seem serious on the outside, but in the inside is actually really thoughtful) and also because of the line: “이 만화에서 주인공은 절대 죽지 않아 (The hero of this cartoon never dies)” that would be iconic for a funeral… - What’s Up Danger by Blackway & Black Caviar (from the Spider-Verse movie) - 2NE1 - Goodbye I know, this comment is f**king long, but since you mentioned this post might be the last one of this kind for some time, I want to say as much as I can. Although I still have those suicidal thoughts in my mind, your words in “The Patreon Podcast with Dezzy” inspired me in a way. You mentioned there: “If someone tells you your reason to live is stupid, tell them to go and kill themselves” 😅😅 And it inspired me in the way that I have really been waiting for the second Spider-Verse movie, I mean… after that I might be thinking like: “Yeah, so I made it, now I can leave…”, but a few times during the past years I started to question myself if it is not weird to live more a movie and then you told me it is not! And because of that I made that list longer: 1. Spider-Verse Sequel 2. Debut of Koki (in case someone else (beside PD) is reading this and is confused now… Tanaka Koki to me is something like JeongHan to PD (I know, from what I said at the beginning of this comment, I should not compare things like this, because I cannot speak for PD, since I don’t see to his mind, but I hope it’s okay, I just wanted to make it easy to imagine) 3. Meeting you, 재혁! I know… the last one is not up to me. I totally respect you might not want to meet with people from the internet and also since there is a lot of us here, you cannot meet everyone even if you would like to. But if I ever have an opportunity to be somewhere around the place you will be at the moment, I would like to invite you for a dinner or something. I mentioned this in another comment before. You have become an “imaginary/digital friend of mine” and although it could sound creepy, I would like to meet you to experience this “relationship” for real. I have recently watched the Titanic for the first time and I would like to quote from that: “You jump, I jump” By that I want to reply on your suicidal thoughts…. I don’t want to put you in the situation like: “You cannot kill yourself, because in that case I will kill myself”… that’s not what I mean! But it would be a crucial moment for me… something as you mentioned about Chester Bennington’s death and your mental situation at that moment. After you started to be more open about your mental situation and your suicidal thoughts, I started to imagine the life without you. And although I would respect your decision, because I want you to feel free and to have a free will above yourself and your life, I would definitely miss you. And because of that I started to think about a tattoo that I would get to keep you with myself as a memory for all those times spent with you (to make it clear… although I have more than a few tattoos, I don’t get a tattoo out of nowhere like one after another, I have a specific system of when and where on my body and even by which artist I get each tattoo, so to include that tattoo into this system wouldn’t be like getting just another random tattoo). Well! That’s it! 😅😅 For the very end I have one question… Do you prefer to be called by us as PD or as 재혁?

Isabella N.

thank you, PD/재혁, for allowing us to know how you’re feeling and thinking right now. warning, i’m about to trauma dump a little here. i know our life experiences are wildly different and i hope this doesn’t come across as trying to compare, but i do relate somewhat to some of the things you talked about. when i was 13, i became really depressed. i was going through a lot with very little support. my mom and i had a really rocky relationship at the time, my “best friend” cut me off cuz she decided i didn’t matter to her anymore and she wanted better, cooler friends (she also proceeded to try and make ME feel bad about it lol), i didn’t have real friends at school yet, i had a lot of anxiety and hated my body and was having a sexuality crisis and everything just sucked. all the time. and i didn’t even know i was depressed. but it started making my school work/grades suffer. i prided myself on good grades and hard work, it was so tied to my self-worth since i first started school, and i have strict Asian parents (they’ve loosened up a lot since then, but my mom was the “anything below an A is bad” kinda parent.) that was the final straw, and i became really suicidal. i thought about it all the time. every week felt like it could be my last, and i was completely certain that i wouldn’t make it to high school. i sat in the health room at school to skip half of class every morning, i broke down over any hint of criticism at home, i felt angry all the time. but what ended up being my reason for living was bts. their love yourself: tear album was announced, and it was coming out shortly after my birthday. i didn’t care enough anymore about going to high school or turning 14 to stay alive for it, but i told myself i needed to stay alive long enough to listen to their new album. in the month in between, i raised my grades, got to celebrate my birthday with friends (including the new friend i made that year, who’s still one of my besties and one of the only people who supported me and made me happy during that time), and things actually started looking up. and that album is still one of my favorite albums from bts AND in general. so i’ll always be grateful to them for giving me that motivation and strength. i’m almost 19 now and in college, something that 13 year old me thought was impossible. it took me years to get better and it wasn’t linear, i’m still not fully there, but i can look back at 13 year old me or 15/16 year old me and see how i’ve changed. 재혁, you’re a precious person who i’m always rooting for. i can’t wait to see your dreams be realized. i believe in you and your goals. i hope you keep fighting to prove to everyone (especially yourself) that you’re incredible. 💗

Cherry (edited)

Comment edits

2023-03-07 06:01:38 PD I can’t watch the video bc last night I literally had a panic episode and thought abt suicide, and overall my life is really shitty. But I want you to know that you hold a valuable place in a lot of people’s lives, and you make a lot of people smile. I’m actually on my second rewatch of all your GOSE reactions, and I rewatch your reactions to twice and svt things regularly. You’re loved, even if you can’t see it because of how extremely one-sided media consumption is. You value art and making it, to the point where you want an artful death, but I challenge this thought in asking what if dying means you miss out on making your magnum opus? That’s what helps keep me going. It might help you, too. Anyways. Much love from me and my cat <3
2023-03-07 04:43:31 PD I can’t watch the video bc last night I literally had a panic episode and thought abt suicide, and overall my life is really shitty. But I want you to know that you hold a valuable place in a lot of people’s lives, and you make a lot of people smile. I’m actually on my second rewatch of all your GOSE reactions, and I rewatch your reactions to twice and svt things regularly. You’re loved, even if you can’t see it because of how extremely one-sided media consumption is. You value art and making it, to the point where you want an artful death, but I challenge this thought in asking what if dying means you miss out on making your magnum opus? That’s what helps keep me going. It might help you, too. Anyways. Much love from me and my cat <3

PD I can’t watch the video bc last night I literally had a panic episode and thought abt suicide, and overall my life is really shitty. But I want you to know that you hold a valuable place in a lot of people’s lives, and you make a lot of people smile. I’m actually on my second rewatch of all your GOSE reactions, and I rewatch your reactions to twice and svt things regularly. You’re loved, even if you can’t see it because of how extremely one-sided media consumption is. You value art and making it, to the point where you want an artful death, but I challenge this thought in asking what if dying means you miss out on making your magnum opus? That’s what helps keep me going. It might help you, too. Anyways. Much love from me and my cat <3

flowerbit

This is kinda a weird tmi thing I’m gonna say. But I’m the type of person who is always really afraid of everything that’s out of my control. I have ocd so I well and truly sometimes can’t help but just obsess about all the things I’m scared that could happen that I don’t have control over. But over the years of being here on your patreon, I always have moments when you talk about yourself in these types of videos or posts where I think “wow. There’s so much to worry about in the world and so many things going on, but he’s just focused on how to create the content/art that he wants to so that he can make others happy and provide for the people who rely on him”. And obviously that’s not to say that u must not worry about things in the world, but the fact is that it hasn’t stopped you from continuing to try. Despite it all you’re still focused on your goals and dreams, like taking over Korea. And idk it’s just kinda refreshing to my brain, who is often too focused on all the bad things happening or all the bad things that could happen to even get done the things I want to do. So it gives me some comfort and also a bit of inspiration when you talk so passionately about your mindset towards your job and your goals and about why. So this is all to say, I’m happy that (despite the bumps in the road) you safely made it to Korea and also thank you for being brave and talking about all sorts of things that are on your mind because (besides it just being insightful to a patron like me) it definitely does help some people to hear about these things. Whether it’s because we relate to it or because it’s unfamiliar to what we’ve experienced.