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I’m gonna be very honest (Patreon)

Published:
2020-03-27 05:29:23
Edited:
2020-03-27 05:46:50
Imported:
2021-01

Content

Trigger warning: self harm, suicide

I tried to kill myself a few days ago. I put extreme stress and hurt those around me and I feel extremely guilty for it.

I wanted to talk about it this in depth when the whole Sulli and Goo Hara thing happened but I’m doing it now.

I don’t think enough people talk about suicide. I don’t think enough people talk openly and frankly about it enough. Everyone always just says “be there for people” or “call this number for help” but no one ever actually TEACHES someone how to be there for someone and no one ever teaches anyone how to deal with it besides calling some number and a stranger.

People tip toe around the conversation of suicide and don’t get real about it in fear or triggering someone and I get that, but we need some bluntness too.

And so I will be filming a Therapy Sessions podcast I will be addressing these things so THIS is your trigger warning if you need it. With that said I’ll also answer ANY question about suicide or mental health. I won’t name who posted the questions, just leave em in the comments here and I’ll delete this post once I record the podcast. But ask me anything whether it’s to help others or even yourself.

Tell me your stories, share your stories if you are OK with me sharing them on the podcast. Share your hardships, how you got over them, etc. and I won’t name you so I will protect your identity if you volunteer.

It’s high time someone got real about this shit.

*IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE ANONYMOUSLY PLEASE MESSAGE ME YOUR STORY OR QUESTIONS VIA PATREON DMs!

Comments

Fatim

Thank you for being here and also for speaking on it. Sending lots of love and positivity your way 🌸💕

Sarah Batt

talking about feeling shouldn’t be a trigger. It is unfortunate and wrong talking about feelings are censored and avoided. There are many people who support you, and want to talk to you. Very happy that you are still with us PD!

Anonymous

I'm so happy that you are still here and it honestly is long overdue for someone to be honest and frank with mental health. This is why you're inspiring for me, we all love and support you PD! 💖🌺

Anonymous

It’s always a hard subject to talk about, and i really appreciate someone being open enough to talk about it. When I got back from the hospital after a suicide attempt, everyone would tiptoe around me as if I would break. I understand their sensitivity. How do I help them understand what happening? How do I help them help me?

Marie HK

I sometimes feel(without anybody saying it to me) like I’m never good enough or that nobody likes me. What can I do to prevent having those kind of thoughts? Because at first I could push them away, but now I’m starting to get suicidal..

Alice May

i am considering sharing my story if that’s okay, is it okay to message it? i’m kinda hesitant to put it up in the public comments section?

Anonymous

Please know there are people who love you and that even a stranger like any of us are willing to listen, my dad helped one of his best friends states away when he received a goodbye letter via email, there is no distance for needing a helping hand

Hellomisa

thank you pd for being open. I am also suicidal and I am open about it. it's so frustrating to have to coddle others discomfort around it when *im* the one trying to die here 🙃. I think it's really important that those with any kind of mental illness who are comfortable talking about it do. it helps destigmatize it. I openly speak about any of my illnesses or differences for this reason and it's great to see someone in a similar boat do the same thing.

Anonymous

thank you for being so open with us, PD. i’m so happy you’re here. sending so much love. 💖

formoftherapy

I FORGOT MESSAGING IS A THING. FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME YOUR STORY OR QUESTIONS ON PATREON INBOX

Anonymous

Thank you for being so open and honest, PD. This is never an easy subject to talk about, but it’s so important to do so. You’re someone who has an audience and a reach and using that platform to do something meaningful is admirable. I’m glad that you’re here. We all love and support you.

Josue Hernandez

Do we share our stories on here, or is there a more private/anonymous way to do it? I’d like to finally talk about my struggle with all of this no censor, maybe it could help me release it, and maybe help someone else feel not so alone (as cliche as that sounds)

Josue Hernandez

Btw thank you for using your platform to find ways to help others that also struggle with their mental health. We are so blessed and grateful to have you here with us. Thank you for your honesty.

Lauryn L

Thank you for posting this ❤ I struggle with depression and lack of motivation to do almost anything. Suicide is constantly on my mind. It's so hard to try and stay motivated and happy. I feel stuck. Do you have anything that you do to try and stay positive and motivated?

Anonymous

Thank you for sharing this and posting this. I feel less alone now. I too would like to share my story but don’t feel comfortable posting about it here. I’m hoping by doing this it’ll help a lot of people who are also struggling with this and also help those to better understand us and maybe find new ways to help.

Violet Joo

What is that triggers you the most? I have seen that you sometimes struggle a lot with self love but that is just too broad. Is there something really specific that makes you suicidal? I remember that JongHyun wrote a very angry letter to his psychiatrist and I really think that his anger was real. In Korea many people say 다들 견디는데 너는 왜 안 그래? but that is really bullshit cuz everyone struggles in different ways. I know that good words are not everything but PD I really hope you get well. Everyday is a challenge and I hope you know that there is people who love you and will be with you no matter what. Even if you hurt those you love, they will still love you and there are many people who will like to help you when you need.

Sophie Antilla

we love you pd ❤️ im really glad you're still here.

Keshia Hunter

Thanks for telling us and I’m so so soooo glad you are here now talking about it. I haven’t suffered from depression nor have I tried to kill my self but when I was 16 my brother did commit suicide and it nearly destroyed my family. I didn’t know how to function and honestly have no idea how I got through jr and sr. year and graduated. My brother was 33 so I had no idea what he was going through and he lived out of state as well. The hardest part for me was that I was going through normal hating life teen shit and hated my sisters growing up and what always got me though the days of hating them was thinking when I get older, I can get closer to my brother and be friends. But never being able to do that really,really just destroyed a part of me I think as a teenager. I felt so alone because my sisters and parents were trying to cope as well. Being the youngest I do wish I had a confidante in one of my family members but we all sorta just internalized it all and just closed up. My mom was horribly depressed and suicidal herself after for years. I felt like she didn’t care about me orbmy other siblings since she only wanted to “be “ with my brother. I used to think I would find her dead after school and It was so stressful. Idk how I got through it tbh, just time I guess. I still don’t think that i myself was depressed but I was defo stressed and didn’t care about school. I should have went to therapy for sure I recommend everyone going through anything difficult go cuz I regret regret it going and somewhat resent my parents for not making us all go to be able to deal with any paint and mental health issues. Wow long! Lol I haven’t ever really gone this deep into it before tbh so thank you for inviting us to share. I’m 31 now and it still hard knowing he’s gone. I still have dreams about him that trip me up because I always try to save him. It’s fucked but sometimes okay lol anyways, I really hope you can find someone who really truly can help you through this. I recommend find a doctor you can trust and don’t be afraid to ditch them if they suck. You can get through this.

Anonymous

As someone who has both helped multiple of my friends through suicidal thoughts/attempts and has had thoughts of it myself, I just wanted to share some of what I have learned. One of the worst things you can do is tip toe around the person who has suicidal thoughts. They already know that they have hurt you and/or that you are scared of what could happen, tip toeing around them only reinforces the feeling of only hurting others. Be supportive, be friendly to the person, but also dont act like it never happened. It is a part of the person, and acting like it didnt happen is basically saying that you dont acknowledge their feelings, cause it is very very rare that they just go away quickly.

EmberRain

Hey PD. I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling. I also want to thank you for being so open about your mental health. I'm so happy you are still here. I have been working really hard on my own mental health the last six months due to getting to one of the lowest points in my life. I found myself coming home and locking myself in my room and crying nearly everyday. I found myself not exactly suicidal (at first) but I sure did not care about being alive. It started with simple fleeting thoughts of "I wouldn't mind if I just got run off the road into that lake" and turned into the beginnings of planning a suicide attempt. The location I had in mind is a place I heavily associate with my late grandparents (sometimes it feels like they were the only people that loved me). I stopped all thoughts in that direction once I realized the actual idea I was toying with. I could not tarnish their memory in a place they loved. I know it is not an actual attempt but I was so shocked that I was doing that bad. I thought I was just in a nasty rut at the time. Between feeling defeated at my job, a stressful home life, and a pandemic, it is feeling impossible to remain okay the last month or so. It feels like I'm falling back under the water or something. With all of that being said, knowing that I am not alone with depression and/or anxiety issues does help. I am truly looking forward to this podcast because it may help me heal some more. Seeing the amount of comments above have already helped lighten the load a bit. Another thank you for all of the content you have been uploading. It has made the last few days much easier. You matter. Stay strong and be safe.

Caitlin

I just had something like this surface again for me. I have never been suicidal (definitely depressed probably and enough to scare people who made me go talk to someone during my senior year of college) BUT what I have dealt with since middle school is I have a friend who was first diagnosed with depression and then later was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. I guess I was always the rock in her life and I was happy to do that. Things sort of changed though when I was the person who got the suicide call at 4 am in sophomore year of college and basically heard her die over the phone and I couldn’t do anything cuz I was 4 hours away at college. She lived through that attempt but I know I freaked a lot of people out cuz I woke them up screaming and crying and telling people to get over to her place. I never went and saw anyone to talk about it. I did tell her (more out of rage on myself on how i handled the situation) that I couldn’t handle a call like that ever again. My reaction to that call, made me not want to pick up an unknown number call because she called me from a phone that my cell did not have caller ID so I still get nervous when I get unknown number calls. I also tried to distance myself from her because I think I was protecting myself. It definitely changed and somewhat destroyed our friendship. We still are friends but not like we used too Recently she has called me again twice with suicide calls after 10 years of not doing one. I realized with the 2nd call that I am still not ok after the first one ten years ago. I am better and I think that has to do with time and that I am almost 30 so I think I have matured to handle it better but it still does affect me. Her parents too this day sort of worship the ground I walk on because I saved their daughter. It makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want that credit (probably a distancing thing) but also I feel like if I try and cut this friendship off completely and she is successful the next time...I will feel guilty and internalize that In my opinion there is no right or wrong response to someone committing or attempting to commit suicide either with you being witness to it or not. I think people just deal with death differently. You definitely aren’t taught how to mitigate suicide attempts or calls (especially at an age like 19 or 20) I still have thoughts of what I would had done differently or what if I hadnt picked up that call or had been studying for exams at 4 am that night. Last week when I got that same phone call at 4 am, I did happen to be sleeping but i still answered...knowing that a 4 am call would be bad but I knew more that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t answer...no matter how much that call has set me back with the feelings and thoughts I have from that first 4 am call

Kāhu

I have chronic depression, and have had it since I was a kid. Along with PTSD and anxiety. All throughout high school I would hurt myself and have a breakdown every morning because I dreaded leaving my room. I dropped out of school when I was 16, I just couldn't do it anymore. When I was 18, I attempted suicide, and ended up in the hospital overnight. I hadn't taken enough for them to pump my stomach, but they had me hooked up to an IV to neutralise the effects of the medication I had ingested. The next morning a mental health worker talked with me and I smiled and told her it was a mistake and I'd never do it again. I was discharged that afternoon with no follow-ups. I eventually was fired from my job because I was taking too many sick days, because I would wake up and just not be able to get out of bed at all. I'm 22 now, and I'm still here, somehow. I don't have a job, and my mental health keeps me from being a functional member of society, and am on a long term sickness benefit due to that and other things. I live with my mum because I can't afford to go anywhere else and can barely look after myself. I'm just kind of floating through life. I see a therapist every week but our country just went into lockdown because of Covid19 so those appointments have been cancelled. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with the next few weeks, I'll be honest. I'm clutching at straws. I feel like I'm close to a relapse, to be honest. I'm non-binary, and right now am struggling with a huge dump of gender dysphoria because I currently have my period and have to resist stabbing myself in the uterus to get it out of my body. (I'm not actually going to do it, I haven't hurt myself in years, but the intrusive thoughts are still there). Things just seem especially terrible right now. I hope you can find the strength to pull yourself out of this. I'm still looking.

formoftherapy
>>34262479

Do you mind if I share this story anonymously to show people what it’s like to impact someone’s life with suicide?

Joonka

Thank you, PD. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to share that publicly. But I think it means a lot to everyone here. I’ve never struggled with suicidal thoughts but I know many who have. As a teenager I had four friends ask me for help them with suicidal thoughts. I guess it wasn’t too surprising since I was a leader in my youth group at the time. One of them called me one day and asked me to help because they had a knife and were thinking about ending things. Later on in college another friend called me and told me it was no big deal but they were going to commit suicide. He was very calm and rational about it. It was pretty scary. I mean what do you do in a situation like that. My ex-wife actually attempted suicide many times. This was especially difficult as you can imagine. Thankfully, all of these people have found happiness today. For some of them it’s taken 15 years. Unfortunately, that’s not the case with everyone. Just last year my cousin committed suicide. I wish I knew what he was going through. I never even knew. No one did. I’m not saying I could’ve saved him and I’m not saying I saved any of the other people in my life. In fact, all of this has made me pretty closed off. I used to be pretty social but now I just want to stay in and not talk to anyone. I am absolutely 100% not blaming any of these people for my change in lifestyle. That is mostly because of my divorce. That lead to feelings of being a failure and worthlessness. Life is pretty dull and colorless except for K-pop and the community around it. I guess that’s the beautiful thing about this digital age. Thank you PD, and thank you for this community. Sorry for the long post.

angelkat

I've got 40yrs of stories in me and now some that aren't my own. It definitely needs more coverage. Parents need to learn how to communicate about this as well. I sent one of my signature disjointed messages to you on insta. I'll try to give my story. It's just long. I also am old and have other vantage points on the subject now. I do hope you can include that. Suicide, depression, stress and all things associated need to be talked more about. It's usually only people who have dealings with it that are more open but people need to get their heads out of the sand. Even I could learn something new everyday on this subject. I'm glad you are "okay" ... I do hope you are feeling better. I hate knowing you have been suffering. Please know you can always message me if you need to. I'm practically the mom and big sister to my kids friends these days. I get messages often. Hugs

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)

I attempted suicide in 2017. I was going through a hard time, and I could list all the reasons, but more so, I want to share how I developed the skills to live happily. And that's the thing. My goal then was just to live, but once I got there, I was able to go even further. Further. And further. The Demolition -- for me that was a lot of therapy sessions where I talked openly and honestly. I really broke myself down in a way I hadn’t before. I actually acknowledged my own unhealthy coping mechanisms and face them. You might hear coping mechanisms and get turned off to read this, but that’s what they are. The things I was doing to cope with my sadness were to survive. Some of them helped me for a while, but none of them long enough. It’s not just drugs or food or self-harming that is bad coping mechanisms. It’s sleeping all day, believing that everything about you is wrong and doesn’t fit into the world, it’s compulsive purchases, escapism, and some of the things that maybe your happier things. Crutches but not things to heal your wounds. I had to face those and also me. Nothing I could do made me not want to kill myself so I had to try. I had to try, and Katie gave “tools” and “healthy coping methods.” Most of them sounded remedial and stupid. Like how was saying that or doing that going to help? I don’t remember exactly when, but I actually started using them. Not all of them, but some of the methods worked. For example, it might sound really stupid, but imagine yourself in a room. White floors and walls and there are two doors. All your thoughts in your head, have them enter and exit through the doors. Slow it down. In the moments my anxiety was so bad couldn’t do anything but think those hateful thoughts, it did help me. But it sounds silly, so it took a long time for me to actually try it. It didn’t work every time and sometimes it worked for a while but the anxiety and self-hatred would come back. It’s also not something I need to use or is effective when I’m not at my most manic/depressive. But it did help. It did work sometimes. The important part about the demolition phase was that it was breaking down what wasn’t working so that I could prepare foundations. It wasn’t like all these things magically fixed, but it broke ground. Rebuilding - Katie and I argued all the time. She questioned my logic and there were sessions that it didn’t seem like anything helped or worked, but I did take things in. I did work on things. From not showering to not being able to leave my house, I had a large range of things to conquer. Sometimes, I felt like she made it sound easy. She made it sound like I just had to face the music or just get up and do it, but it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t that easy to go somewhere when I couldn’t picture myself going. It wasn’t easy to be financially independent or not let the things people say hurt me. I felt so incapable, but she always challenged that. So I started doing things. It was really hard then you make habits. It was slowly taking steps then those steps being natural. I mentioned earlier being unable to go places unless I pictured myself going, and it’s not like that anymore. It was so hard for me to go the store with my grandma, but now I hop on the trains so the city without knowing how to get my destination 100%. It took years to do that, and also small steps. But I kept doing those things. Also, my feelings about myself. The self-hatred can be so isolating. That thing that pushes you. I just felt like everything would be best without me. That’s not how it works though. Getting better, I mean. I had to starting telling myself I’m doing good. I’m a good person. That I’m trying and that can be good enough. That sometimes I get sad again. That sometimes I fail and let people down, but I’m funny. I do help people. I have beautiful stories I want to share. I’m nice. And, these conversations. I started having them with me, and it’s a good habit to form. It’s a fight to do it, and it’s probably one of the hardest things I had to do, but I wanted to survive myself. I wanted to die, but I also wanted to live. Painting and Decorating - So I now had these foundations and these walls, and now it came to something really important. My relationships with others, especially my family, needed work. Not finding or needing validation in others or particular people is really hard, but it’s what is needed for all the work I’ve done to work out. This part took over a year to really get the ability to do. Some real lows. Another huge thing was accepting other people’s limitations and understanding that others may not love me how I want them to but realizing they love me in their own ways. Also understanding that I can’t make people change, and if that is all or how they can love that I either accept that or don’t and have to take control of how I react in those situations. Darn, like months of Katie, my therapist saying that, and it finally seeped in. Moving in - So I did it. I made this healthy home in my mind, but I think the hardest part is when I get sad or manic or just am not happy. Those feelings of failing or never being able to be happy/normal hit me, but relapses aren’t endings. Relapses don’t mean it’s over. It doesn’t mean the systems broke and my house is destroyed. It’s all storm damage, and I have to fight for myself. Patch up, rebuild, and try. Remind myself I’m good enough. Do healthy coping. I’m not perfect, but it’s hard to remember 24/7 how dark it was. When I have times I get sadder, I kind of get surprised. I forgot how dark I can get, but that’s because I built better. When my tools aren’t helping, I reach out. I’m honest with my friends and don’t make myself their responsibility, but I take charge of communicating healthily to clear things up later. I ALSO LEARNED TO LET S*** GO AND/OR WALK AWAY. Yeah, that was a tough one. You can do it. Maybe it’s not a house you build. I have bipolar mixed, and it was diagnosed when I was nine by two separate doctors then again at 17. My dealings with Maniac and Depressive Episodes are really intense. I also am on medication and it took a while to find the right medication. Still you can. I went from my bed 24/7 in a small town to working on the Magnificent Mile in Chicago. I never thought three years ago I could be here, but I am, and its hard. But I fight for me everyday.

Anonymous

I don’t have anything meaningful to contribute, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m glad you’re still with us. Thank you for taking the initiative to talk about this issue, PD ❤️

Anonymous

Thank you PD. I haven’t really talked about my depression openly due to my family being in the healthcare industry. I’ve been dealing with depression for 6(?) years and had attempted suicide throughout high school on a regular basis. I was diagnosed with severe depression during last school year and I’ve been on medication since. Even though I was actively trying to take care of my mental health I could barely function. I had almost dropped out of university last year sometime after my diagnosis bc things just weren’t working. But lately I’ve been feeling so numb that everything has been testing my strength and patience. I wish progress was linear but it’s reassuring that it’s not always linear. Things won’t always be okay, I’ve come to peace with it and medication has definitely helped me manage my depression. Thank you for your honesty and a place to talk about mental health.

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34263082

Dealing with your feelings of "being a failure and worthlessness" aren't easy. I feel something that is also really difficult is feeling like things about you, maybe even the better parts are gone because of your sadness or where you are in life. I can't say it will be like this for you, but after going through my journey (posted now as well), I found I was interested again in the things I used to really like. I was doing things and getting back parts of me I thought were gone. Maybe therapy can help. Even on an app. Just be honest. Argue if you have to. You aren't worthless. You didn't fail. Even if things get worse, you can do it.

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34263683

Thank you for sharing this though. I relate so hard, and I actually did drop out. The non-linear outlook saved my life. Accepting that I will do all of these steps and be so healthy, but have dark times too is hard. But I keep fighting. If you ever need to talk more or maybe my post can help you in some way. Just know the numbness isn't you even if it feels like it. I felt trapped there. Now it's hard to fully remember it unless I get that sad.

Muriel Pinkston

Thank you for sharing. I have a question that I've been wanting to ask for several years now. How do you get out of the habit of self-harm? It's such a burden but I can't seem to stop for longer than a month or two at a time without relapsing. At this point it isn't even there to help me, it's just an addiction that I crave constantly. Do you have any tips for this? I know it will take willpower and stuff but I want to know if there's anything that can help. Thank you for opening this platform up and being honest with all of us.

Cat Freine

thank you for sharing this with us. i won’t go into much detail because it’s still very hard for me to talk about but growing up my dad was abusive verbally and emotionally and it really messed up my ability to recognize and process my emotions etc. since high school i’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation because i have a hard time knowing how to process strong emotions and stress and i feel like i need a way to gain control of the situation. last year a friend of mine committed suicide and i took a turn for the worse. i had a really hard time accepting the fact that someone who seemed so happy and who had their whole lives ahead of them was hurting so deeply it was too much for me to think about at the time and it still is. i spiraled and was in such a bad place mentally that once i moved out for school i had a plan in mind on how i would end things. i can’t explain why i didn’t do it something was just telling me to hold on a bit longer. i still struggle with my emotions a lot but i’ve started to see a therapist and that helps. i’m sure this is all over the place it’s very late here but i felt like i needed to get this off my chest. again thank you for sharing something so personal with us and giving us a chance to share our stories with you. i wish you the best.

Joanne

Honestly I feel like it's time for me soon. Like I already lived on this planet for 18 years it's time for someone else to take my space on this world. I felt like this for so many years that I just didn't belong here but you know I always told myself that now wasn't the right time or it would hurt the people around me. I know it would but idk. It hurts you know. I dream about it, like all the dreams that I can remember are about me dying in different ways. And it actually makes me scared sometimes. I just feel like people like my aren't supposed to live in this society, we aren't perfect, we only harm others with how we act. But I feel like even if I die I still harm people and I still am a burden so I just want to dissappear please. And it's just that depression is still taboo in this small country I live in, people don't take me seriously. Alot of people always told me, you're just a teenager who is going through her phase. You are not depressed you just have mood swings. It's actually fucked up. This is exactly why there are so many young suicides these days. I don't know where I am going with this. Yeah. I am crying atm so that's fun. Soon it's summer so my self harm will show ain't ready for that either. Luckily self isolation is going on right now for a long time. I hope we all could find some kind op happiness one day if we are still there tho but you get it.

MusicLover37

I am so happy that you are still alive. To be honest, I dont have anything meaningful to add to what you are trying to do by helping people. However, it is long overdue to have someone talk about it bluntly and be actually helpful to those in need. So, Thank You for being an inspiration and I wish you luck with this endeavor as you have my full support in whatever I can do to help. Also, thank you for being you. ❤️

Chloe Borley-Evans

Wow PD, that was very brave of you to say to all of us, and though I don't have anything to share or add I do hope you and all of the patrons who have their own stories are doing as well as they can and staying healthy and safe through this hard time ♥️ Thank you too for given all these people a window to vent in, I'm sure it's hard to talk about this kind of stuff to people regularly

Portal_Paw

I’m not going to go into tons of detail but I self harm. I’ve been doing it for over two years now and it’s just been getting worse, the cuts keep getting deeper. I was starting to get a little bit better but with lockdown therapy was cancelled along with college so I have nothing to distract me anymore. I’ve been in a state of constant low mood for around 3 months now, I don’t feel like eating or anything. My family certainly don’t make things any better, they don’t really take the whole mental illness thing seriously and it’s had a huge impact on me mentally. I’m also bisexual and my mums a bit of a transphobic person so I’m terrified to tell her, the only people that know are my closest friends. I’d like to ask “How did you come out?” I’d really like some advice on this topic about how you did it and did it take a toll on you mentally. Thank you so much for speaking up about this, not enough people do. I really respect you for doing this and giving people like myself a way to talk. I hope you know that we all love you❤️

Marcia

❤

Anonymous

I’m very thankful you are still here! ❣️ I would just like help with knowing how to comfort and help those who are suicidal. I have a few people in my life that have suicidal thoughts or have attempted multiple times and still do. I don’t know exactly what to say—what they need to hear from me. I try my best to comfort them and let them know I’m here for whatever they need but I worry I’ll say the wrong thing.

Anonymous

English is not my native language ,sorry if i said something wrong : I discovered you few weeks ago, i love your work, your knowledge, the quality of your vidéos. i subscribed here literally 3 hours ago when i writed this. I don't know what you're going throught right now and i don't have anything meaningful to tell you but i'm happy you are still with us. You are important. You are worth it PD.

Perceptive Thoughts

I'm glad you're still here PD and I'm glad someone has decided to actually have this conversation. I myself have heard about Goo Hara and Sulli and it just upset me how I couldn't do anything about it or help them. I think this podcast would help give me some more in depth perspective on how I can be there for either my friends, family, or strangers that are going through something similar. I'm a very optimistic person no matter what and want to be able to share that positive energy to those around me. I am also glad that all the patreons are still with us. I love you all and our lives are all important.💕💕

Perceptive Thoughts

It's also not just idols who deal with this but people all around the world.

Abby Gora

im so glad you are okay pd

Christina M Villa

I'm really happy you are still here with us. Watching your videos gives me a lot of happiness :)

Anna

Thank-you for this, people really don’t talk openly enough about this - something I am guilty of not talking about as well. I deal with a lot of anxiety & depression on a daily basis and often worry about being in a situation where i’m so overwhelmed that I just want to end it all but also being too scared of pain. I’m going to see a therapist this year. Do you do therapy yourself? I’ll await your podcast, I’m interested in hearing about your experience with mental health. I hope you’re doing ok at the moment, just remember that you have a whole community here surrounding you that are here to support you 🌷

Anonymous

My 11 year old daughter has been struggling with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. She was admitted to a hospital in January and diagnosed with Major Depression. She's in therapy and on antidepressant medication now, and says she is doing better, but it can be so hard to tell if that's true. She seemed happy and cheerful to begin with, so it's hard to tell if she's genuinely happier. I tell her every day how amazing she is and how much I love her. I tell her every day she can come talk to me for any reason, even if she just needs to vent. I tell her to wake me up if she can't sleep, and I'll keep her company. I don't really know what else I can do, other than what I've been doing. It kills me that I can't just fix everything for her.

modeoheim

Love you PD. Please take care.

Sam

Thank you for still being here. You are a light in my and thousands of other people’s lives, and I hope you know that you already make such a difference for us simply by being yourself. You are enough.

Anonymous

I'm sorry for whatever you're going through right now and I am glad you are still here. As someone who also attempted and seriously thought about it again 2 or 3 times after that original incident I understand what you're saying. People aren't taught how to help really. I'm down to talk whenever you want though not just for the podcast of course. I may not be able to give advice or answers but I am here to listen.

Joonka
>>34263570

Thank you for sharing. It’s encouraging to hear someone else’s story.

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34262870

I'm really proud you go to therapy that regularly. I know not everyone can afford it and its effectiveness varies, but it takes a lot to get out of bed like you said. Your effort for yourself is something I hope you don't underrate. If there is any advice I could give is to reflect on the tools or coping mechanisms your physician and you have discussed. Even if you don't remember word for word. For me, showering can be tough. Eating or stopping eating can be hard too, so if those are issues you have, try setting a goal to do those, but if you don't complete it, forgive yourself. I think they always say set goals, but it hurts like hell when you can't achieve them. And really look into mobile counseling. I started Ginger.io through my work, and it helps. I am dealing with extreme paranoia right now, and its been nice to have someone in my pocket to help me through with that anxiety and irrational feelings.

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34262844

I'm so sorry that this happened. I am bipolar and I think about more these days what my mom went through. I think if I can do anything for you is to share that story. Since I was diagnosed at nine (by two different doctors), she had to constantly deal with her young daughter's suicidal tendencies. It's unbearable pain and something I cannot believe someone could still be a person after, but my mom even being my mom is not the responsible party to keep me sane in my adulthood. Your friend is not your child. You may or may not still have love for her, but you can't always have with burden. I say this being that caller. Well, more so I texted everyone. It's not on you to hold her above the water. Maybe talking to someone professional can give you some better-sculpted tools for dealing with this long last guilt or unwanted yet sense of duty. I think that is something really important. You should take care of you now.

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34262629

To add something, I think asking the person how to best help/make the feel comfortable around the topic may be good too(?). For me, I didn't want it to be this shame for me but I didn't want it to be the thing people knew me for. You're an amazing friend. I hope you are doing okay. If you aren't. You can always talk to me.

cecilia

Dear PD, I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times already but I just want to say that I am so sorry you've felt your presence in this world just wasn't needed. There are many people out there who value you as a person and are learning from your experiences within their own lives as well. How do you find ways to really comfort a person? I've once called a suicide hotline from being stressed out about my friend telling me that they've wanted to take their own life and in that moment I didn't know how to react as well. On my end it's always that struggle of either doing too much or not enough with reaching out. It's overwhelming and it's happened several times where I just feel like I want that person to come to me when times get rough, but then in the end I also need the support as well. Another one of my friends actually passed away from suicide in 2016 -- he was always the life of the party but had his own fair share of struggles and I just never thought to really ask more in depth with what we talked about during our heart to hearts if he needed a friend. I miss him all the time and I wonder if there was more I could've done on my end to help him. I hope you're doing much better today than you were a few days ago, or even yesterday. No one deserves to feel that way and I believe in my heart it's something that needs to be talked about with honesty and compassion to truly get through that darkness together. Sending you love and light on your journey, I can't wait to listen to your therapy session when you're up for it to share your experiences to help others too <3

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34262406

I think staying positive and motivation is one of the hardest parts about depression. I made my own post that I think might help, but if I could take some things from it to apply here and then things I may not have expanded on there is that you really have to start by "forgiving yourself". For me that meant when I couldn't be motivated, I stopped picking on myself. Also celebrating your wins. That can be extremely hard when you are depressed. But when you do do something, even if it seems small, tell yourself you did good. Just doing that can start you on something. I still have bad thoughts or self-hatred but at least saying something against those thoughts got me in a more healthy habit of fighting against my bad thoughts. I don't think that that will fix things or magically work, but maybe it can help.

Lacy Henry

Thank you for sharing. I am happy you are still here. Thank you for turning your struggles into a lifeline for others so that they know they are not alone and that there is some one who understands and willing to listen. You are precious and I hope you will always know that and have people like you in your own life that are your life preservers.

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34297711

I was diagnosed with bipolar mixed at age 9, and my mom went through a lot. I can never imagine what it must be like having a child in with major depression so young, but as the kid that was sad, I want you to know you're doing a good job and you're not alone. It took a long time for me to get somewhere stable but that was because of my mom. Please take care of yourself too. I'm wishing you the best, and I can ask my mom to share things if there is anything that might help.

synodica (formerly ThatGirlLexee)
>>34264950

I don't have magic words for you to make everything seem bright or okay, but what I can do is say I felt like that too. Picturing the future felt impossible or just sad. Feeling of leaving and it balancing something out made sense, but then, I lived through my suicide attempt. I went to heavy therapy and I got help, but with it being taboo in your small country, I know it's going to be a harder fight, and I hope you do it. The world is so scary right now, and while you're at home, please be gentle with yourself. If no one will listen, I will. Let me know if you need someone.

Kristina Tomaszewski

I'm glad you're okay and that you're able to be so open about this. As someone whose had problems with self-harm and suicidal tendencies since I was fourteen that's been kind of in the background, it's not been easy to talk about really. There were very few friends who really knew the extent of the shit I dealt with in regards to my issues. Even fewer if any that even knew as a result I had to be put on suicide watch, which was terrible and the reason I ended up with anxiety when it comes to talking on the phone. I had someone call about every week for a couple of months to see if I still wanted to die and half the time I straight up lied waiting for the day that I wouldn't be called about it anymore. It took years before I even went into therapy to properly even discuss my mental health and the issues that stemmed from them. I later found out that when I was put in suicide watch that it had been recommended that I be put in therapy but my father, who is no longer in my life, decided it wasn't necessary. It clearly was but that wasn't really realized until my problems from fourteen popped back up again. Although until I finally entered therapy I did have times where my mum tried to get me to go but I always refused. Once I started therapy I still wasn't and haven't been completely honest ,when after two events that lead me to have to see a psychiatrist to be put on meds, I still skirt around some of the details. I've never talked about the fact that over the last seven years or so I've attempted suicide at least five times if not more, something that no one knows at all. Or that there are countless times where I've admitted to self-harming but even more that I never admitted to. Just two weeks ago I self-harmed for the first time in a couple of years since I left my last job, where my mental health was some of the worst ever, that was a result of something a friend from work said after having my depression lean into my anxiety amid this mess going on currently. That same day I was seriously contemplating going down the same route I had years ago when attempting suicide by taking pills hoping to not wake up. In the end I didn't which is amazing to think about because if it was only a couple of years ago I wouldn't have really hesitated at all. I've dealt with bottling stuff up so much that even if I open up to the professionals that can really help me, I'm still hesitant in a lot of it because I don't know what will happen with some of the information I'd end up sharing and I get scared. Only just recently after getting a new psychiatrist did I admit to where and how I self-harm but still lied saying it had been awhile and not just done the previous week. While I'm still struggling with my depression and anxiety and the rare times where my self-harm and even suicidal tendencies pop up, that doesn't mean I'm not trying to let those struggles overwhelm me. I've been dealing with all this since I was fourteen and as I turn twenty-seven this autumn, I don't want to waste another decade of my life that is half consumed by my mental health problems making me only vaguely surviving. That's not the kind of life I want to live. I know I'll still struggle with these issues until I die but I hope before then I can find the strength to properly open up and get the best help that I can. I want to live the best life I can and with mental health it's not easy but it can be easier if I'm more honest and open to the people that can help me achieve the life I want. So once again I'm glad you were able to share this as it meant I shared more than I have with most people and can be a stepping stone for me to start being more honest. I haven't seen my therapist since last year due to doing better but I might end up having to see her again so I don't bottle up things again and maybe even open up more to my new psychiatrist.