Side-Effects (Patreon)

$20 Patreon Directory

-

Ted stepped out of the house, car keys in his hand. He saw the neighbors’ three kids playing near their school bus stop and heaved a long sigh.

“Ted.”

Ted turned back to his wife, Lila, who was curled up on the couch gazing down at her laptop screen.

“You forgot your coffee.”

“Right.” As Ted walked back inside, grabbed his coffee from the kitchen counter, and returned to the door, Lila did not look up once. “See you later, darling.”

“See ya,” she called back, typing.

Ted got in his car and headed off to work.

Ted worked as a lobbyist for the dairy industry. He was constantly looking for ways to manipulate legislation or send funds to influential politicians disguised as payments or donations for something or the other. He needed to ensure that dairy stayed in schools and work places, that it remained a cardinal part of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He helped flood the industry with superfluous amounts of dairy, and he needed to convince the consumer to eat it.

Ted didn’t touch the stuff, himself.

Today Ted was visiting some local farms to offer his business. He got out of his car and brushed the arm of his designer suit, almost compulsively. He could practically feel the dirt and grime of the place settling in on him.

By the third farm visit, Ted was exhausted. Feeling sweaty and grimey, he strolled into the main barn, idly nodding to a farm hand who was pointing him to the direction of the office. Ted walked in, and—

This certainly wasn’t the office. Ted staggered back and tried to exit, but the door had automatically locked behind him. He found himself in a large space so crammed with bovine, it could be neither be legal nor healthy. The cows moaned and shifted their massive bellies, some so swollen that they brushed against the floor. Their udders were hugely engorged, clearly the product of some of the new growth hormone Ted had advocated for. Feeling simultaneously disgusted and claustrophobic, he eased himself along the walls, trying to make his way towards what appeared to be a back exit, while avoiding too much contact with the animals, but it was futile. He groaned as a cow blithely licked at his face.

There was a hissing noise. Ted looked up, his eyes widening as he saw that the sprinklers were emitting a drizzle of green-tinted fluid. He recognized it instantly. It was a new, experimental bovine fertility drug combined with the growth hormone. He moved faster, trying to hold his breath, but he could not help taking in several lungfuls of the fog. When he finally made it to the back door, he thrust it open and hurried out of the room, coughing.

-

Ted returned home that evening, dirty and disheveled. He absolutely detested field work, but at least he had a few new clients to show for it.

He looked into the living room and sighed to see his wife still on her laptop, now with her headphones on.

Lila worked in computer science and did these weird coding marathons. It made it all the stranger that she didn’t want kids. It would have been so easy. She worked from home!

Having been an only child, Ted had always wanted a large family. After his parents had passed, he had been left with nothing and no one, just Lila. The thought of not having kids was just short of painful.

His temper rising, Ted couldn’t stop himself from walking over and closing her computer screen. She looked up at him, an expression of annoyance on her face.

“This isn’t working,” said Ted.

“What? What did I do this time?” Lila was gearing for an argument.

Ted felt defeated. “I want to talk about it. Just—let’s try to reach a compromise. Lila, kids are so important for me. Can’t we just—”

Lila’s lip curled in a sneer. Without speaking, she got up from the couch, grabbed her purse, her laptop bag, and jammed her feet into a pair of sandals. Before Ted knew it, she was heading for the door.

“Wait—where are you going?” he asked in panic.

Lila turned back to him, wearing an annoyed expression. “I can’t do this anymore, Ted, I—we need a break.”

Ted’s heart sank.

“I’ll call you. Okay?” And then she was gone.

-

That night, in lieu of dinner, Ted sat down in the living room, and had a drink—and then several more.

Miserable and anxious as he felt, he was also…oddly aroused. It was strange, and sort of disgusting. Did he resent Lila that much? Was he…getting off on her leaving?

Heat pooled in his lower belly. He shifted as he felt himself gradually hardening.

Finally surrendering, he jammed his hand into his pants, his fingers closing around his gender.

Maybe he’d had more drinks than he’d realized.

His cock felt…bigger. Unquestionably swollen. The chemical, Ted realized, as he stroked himself, and shuddered.

By morning, he was hard again. Ted climbed out of bed and examined his naked form in the full-length mirror. He looked even bigger than last night, almost abnormally large. There would undeniably be an overt bulge in his slacks once he got dressed for work.

The thought of it just made him harder, almost painfully so. He panted quietly, and was so caught up with his changing body, that it was only then that he heard movement in the living room.

The bedroom door opened. “Hey, I came to pick up some of my…” Lila trailed off, staring at him. “What…what happened to you?” She swallowed.

Ted felt himself flush. “An…accident at one of the farms,” he admitted, feeling her eye him. He indulgently stared right back.

Lila was wearing rectangular glasses, her dark hair tied back in a messy bun. A loose hoodie hung around her shoulders, atop a T-shirt with some motto from some cartoon that some nerds might appreciate. On her legs were a pair of leggings, and the same sandals she had donned the night before. She was slender and reserved, and had no curves to speak of even under all her loose clothes. But she was beautiful without even trying. She was his, and he loved her.

At present, Lila’s eyes gleamed, seeming almost magnetized to his cock. They hadn’t had sex in a while. They didn’t have the best sex life, if he was honest with himself. And he generally wasn’t this well-adorned.

As Lila chewed her bottom lip, Ted heard himself mumble, “So…want to…try it out?”

Her eyes went wide. Finally, she dumped her purse to the floor. “Alright.”

-

Something occurred while they were connected.

Ted felt all the warmth, love, frustration, and arousal cumulate as his loins throbbed. Lila was arched and mirthful, too lost to realize.

But Ted knew the rules. He tried to pull out, but for some reason he couldn’t. Grimacing, he adjusted, but found himself locked.

“Ted,” Lila groaned, still rocking her hips up.

“I’m going to…” He grunted aloud, not sure if it was pleasure or pain as his gender swelled inside of her. Lila released a choked grunt.

This had never happened before. It wasn’t even possible. Ted felt himself pushing deeper and deeper, as her walls tightened around him.

“Lila—I—oh my god!” he gasped, and finally lost control. She screamed as he exploded, releasing more inside her than should have been possible. More and more spurted out of him. He could have been imagining it, but he thought her belly pushed out, just a bit.

He collapsed against her, both gasping, and he still felt hard. He wanted to tell her not to move but he couldn’t seem to find words.

“Ted, what’s…oh…what’s going on?” She tried to push him off, but as her hips rocked and her body squeezed, he felt more heat shoot down to her lower belly.

In a panicked struggle, the two rolled off the bed and hit the carpet, hard. Lila was on top of him now her neck back, spine tight, her whole body quivering. She released a whimper, then collapsed against him. Ted hugged her around the waist and followed her into unconsciousness.

-

The first thing Ted noticed when he awoke was his dick.

It was large and thick, at least a foot and a half. And this was it soft.

He panted quietly as he stared at it. He was reminded of college, during his internship at the stables. His distended cock was so large, it could have belonged to a horse.

Beside him, Lila groaned awake. She sat up slowly, wincing as she did. She blinked at him and pressed her thighs shut, looking part aroused and part horrified.

“Lila—I had no idea—”

“What the hell was that?” she cut him off.

“M-my cock…” he managed.

Her eyes flicked downwards and took in the appendage in question, her gaze seeming stuck to it for a moment. Her eyes snapped back up. “I’m…going.”

“That may be for the best.”

Lila got up and collected her clothes. Ted watched as she left.

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